1. You shall have no other Gods before me unless I get a cut on the book, movie, app, and other distribution deals - this includes web, domestic, and international usage.
2. You shall stop with all the images of me. Just love one another but if you like to draw please refer to commandment one or else you will hear from my lawyers.
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God (that's me - LOL) in vain. So please, please stop calling my name out when you accept an award for anything you freaking posers.
4. You shall remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. No, seriously folks, make a freaking effort.
5. You shall honor your father and mother, and/or step-father and/or step-mother, or any combination of the aforementioned. Yes, I said any combination. Show the love you talking monkeys!
6. You shall not murder, not even in my name. I mean human damn, why is this so freaking hard for you to follow? Come on creations!
7. You shall not commit adultery unless you are running for or are already elected to some sort of public office.
8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless it benefits them or you in some way, and then I want a cut of the action. Refer to commandment one.
9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, husband, servants (politicians are exempt), or animals (nasty - except for lambs) unless we can market the covets into a reality series.
10. You shall remember and adhere to the above commandments because if you think things are bad now, just wait until I get this stupid ankle tracker off after I am released from my house arrest!