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July 26, 2015

Buying a house is stressful. You probably know about mortgages, upkeep, and homeowner's insurance, but here are some lesser known but equally important things about home ownership.

1. Your house will depreciate in value as soon as you drive it off the lot. This is true whether it’s a used home or a brand new multi-million dollar mansion. As soon as you drive that baby off the lot, its resale value plummets.

2. Make your house’s acquaintance by lying naked in its entry maw. Your house will appreciate the chance to get to know your taste.

3. Most pest control professionals are Jainists who will simply invite the pests to crawl across their naked flesh then say, “Look upon me and see that I transcend my fleshcage.“ Now that you own a home, the upkeep is your responsibility. Remember this rule when ridding your house of pests.

4. Like the saying says, “All walls can talk.” Paint two coats to muffle them and three to silence them. It’s recommended that you use three coats before nailing anything into their sensitive houseflesh.

5. Do not mow your lawn’s scalp too short. The groundswell of blood will turn your landscaped backyard oasis into a bog of red ruin. Yikes!

6. No two houses are alike. Learn the secret location of your house’s heart so you can devour it and absorb its power. Holding the deed to the property is only part of owning a house. To truly master it, you must sup on its heart blood.

7. Before replacing a lightbulb, ask permission from the electricity box by making direct eye contact. If it blinks, you’re in!

8. Remember to show your house some love. Take it to a museum or stroke its roofspine with your whole palm.

9. As the saying says, “Eyes are the windows to the soul, and windows are the nerve-ended house-eyes that feel with great pain every tap, wipe, and baseball.” So be sensitive!

10. Your kitchen table is the Stone Flap of Sacrifice. It is the surface upon which you are to prepare the House’s Secret Heart for consumption. It should go without saying this, but do NOT prepare your House’s Secret Heart on the island or dining room table.

11. Do not sleep for longer than 10 hours at a time. Your house will think you have died and will ingest your nutrients through its bedmouth.