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May 14, 2015
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This open letter about the dadbod trend was totally written by a girl and not a 31-year-old dude named Brad. Swear.

Hi guys!

First thing’s first, I’m an AUTHENTIC, REAL girl writing this. I know that’s a strange thing to open with, but I just wanted to get it out of the way in case some of you saw my pic and recognized me from various stock-photo sites. That just happens to be a job I have. Let’s not overthink it. I’m a girl who’s relatable to other girls and we’ll leave it at that. One thing’s for sure — I’m DEFINITELY not a 31-year-old guy name Brad!! LOL could you imagine?!

Anyways, lately I’ve been seeing a lot of people shit on this new “dadbod” trend I’ve been trying really hard to get off the ground. People are saying it’s problematic, it’s hypocritical, it exemplifies everything wrong with the disparity in body standards between men and women, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah and I’m just here to say like, “Um, can we not please?” Can we just give average-looking straight men a break for once in their miserable lives and unanimously agree that the best body for a guy is a kinda doughy one?

As a guy who only likes to work out every other week As a girl who is not at all a guy pretending to be one, I personally think this new trend is really cool and well overdue. It’s like, DUH! Why did it take us this long to realize that guys with beer bellies are the ultimate female fantasy? A man who’s let himself go at 30 saves us the stress of having to watch him do it at 40. We shouldn’t just be condoning the dadbod, we should be THANKING IT for saving us undue stress later in life. Ya know what, I’d take a step further! Personally, I like my dadbod from a guy who lives with his mom cause that means he’s not scared to commit to living with same woman for 31 years. Or if his best friend is the 14-year-old neighbor! That means he’s good with kids and gives us an idea of what he’ll be like as a father! (On that note — ladies, let’s all do our best to get our pre-babybods back AS SOON AS WE GIVE BIRTH. It is so gross when women have that like “jiggle” thing on their arms. You know what I’m talking about? Where you’re like, “What is going on with their arms??” I mean OUR arms! OUR arms.)

Sorry, my balls are so fucking itchy today. I MEAN! No! I don’t — I’m a girl writing this! There’s a picture of one in the byline so it’s gotta be true! But also since YOU GUYS brought it up, guys who itch their balls a lot are sexy, too. Let’s add that to the list of things that dadbod means. And again, PLEASE be really loud about this. Let’s tell all our friends how dadbod is the most innest body type these days and maybe if we could also post on social media, that’ll help get the word out, too. Especially if Kate Upton follows you!! It would be great if someone could tell her the type of guy she’s attracted to now. And I know you’re probably like, “Well is Kate Upton even hot these days cause she’s the OPPOSITE of dadbod” and you’re right. BUT here’s an important distinction — dadbod only extends to dudes. That’s where the “dad” part comes in. It’s inherently male. A good woman’s bod is still the thin, big tits, not older than 30 thing that it’s been forever. We’ll NEVER be into mombod. I MEAN ‘THEY”! THEY will never be into mombod. Sorry I keep getting my pronouns mixed up. Blame it on my feeble lady brain!

Where was I … where was I … OH! Guys who pee sitting down when they’re too drunk or too hungover is sexy af. And if we want that beer belly, we gotta expect they’ll be one of those things at all times. So yeah! Let’s add that one to the list, too. Ooof this list of things women find hot is gettin’ big though. Where in the world are we gonna find this out-of-shape guy who lives with his mom and has no money?! (I just added that last one.)

Well, Kate Upton (I assume you’ve gotten word about dadbod and I’m speaking directly to you now), I hear there’s a gem RIGHT IN NEW YORK. Apparently his name and address is:

Bradford Harris
3242 Park Place
Mom’s Basement
Queens, NY 10284

BUT YA BETTER HURRY! Dadbod is here to stay if you don’t get to Brad’s mom’s house soon, I’m gonna beat you there! Again, in case I forget to mention, I’m a girl, just like you are! I also heard that he prefers if you come in through the cellar door that his mom doesn’t ask questions and also he gets really turned on when people bring him those Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. SEE YA SOON! I mean HE will! Not me! I’m a female like you!

¡Viva la dadbod!

- Brad A Girl

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