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December 18, 2015
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A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is finally here.

As I’m sure you’re aware, this Friday everyone will be seeing the new Star Wars movie, which is bad news for other films dropping this weekend, but good news for me. It seems as though the planets have aligned and I will finally be able to accomplish my lifelong dream of masturbating to an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie in theaters.

My whole life I’ve always felt incomplete. I never thought that I would get the chance to truly be me. I was scared, and society wouldn’t accept me, until now. And since everyone else is going to see Star Wars and I’m going to be the only one at the theater who’s there to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip, this seems to be a sure thing.

Before I continue I should explain that I don’t know what it is about those chipmunks, but they really get my wheels turning. I think it might have something to do with early childhood memories of my mother being addicted to helium, coupled with a healthy Oedipal complex and the inherent thrill that comes with having a sexual experience in a public place like a movie theater, and bingo, you got yourself a recipe for a sexual obsession, one that of course I’ve never acted on considering every time I’ve gone to see one of these films in theaters, the theater was packed. And I’m not a freaky perv.

So for basically my entire life I’ve been hiding in fear with no ability to act on my sexual desire, afraid of what people might think. But during this once-in-a-lifetime weekend where there is sure to be absolutely no one going to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip I will be able to finally act on my inner most desires.

This week, in order to build myself up for what is sure to be a rocking orgasm, I’ve watched all the other chipmunks movies: the classic 2007 film Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Teasing myself so that this weekend when I inevitably have the entire theater to myself I can have the greatest sexual experience of my life while Simon, Alvin, and Theodore croon and get into a little bit of their classic mischief in the background.

This weekend will finally be my weekend. I will be sexually liberated for the first time in my life and it’s all thanks to J.J. Abrams, George Lucas, and the whole Star Wars team. Without you guys the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie would get the same huge audience the previous ones did opening weekend, and I wouldn’t be able to have a movie theater in which Alvin and the Chipmunks is playing all to myself like I’ve always dreamed.

So with that I would like to thank the good people at Disney, Lucas Film, and J.J. Abrams production company Bad Robot for allowing me to finally liberate myself, and jerk off into a sock to Alvin and the Chipmunks in an empty movie theater.

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