You may have heard of “Appreciate Your Wife Day” and that isn’t until Sept. 17, and since we have a day to celebrate just about everything like “International Talk like a Pirate Day” Sept. 19 (September seems to be the junk holiday month).
By the way national “Appreciate Your Husband Day” is April 15.
How about a “Thank You for Putting up with a Slob Like Me Despite all Your Irritating Habits Day?” To be held no doubt in September. This is where you thank your wife or girlfriend for remaining with you even though by now she’s found out what you’re really like.
This could be for men or women. Use a MemoryTag greeting card to tell your “significant other” how much you appreciate them for ignoring your shortcomings. Putting up with your bad habits goes way beyond just listening to your snoring at night.
You may have heard of the book, Men are From Mars, Women From Venus.
But it is true that women are descended from birds. Men from hogs.
I have clinically proven in laboratory studies conducted in my garage that women, not dinosaurs, share DNA and character traits with birds. Just think of the parallels. Proof that women evolved from an animal will explain all the unexplainable behavior that we men have had to put up with all these years. Divorce proceedings will now proceed with greater ease and fluidity because lawyers will be able to show that the irritating habits women have are in fact a reflex act of nature.
Watch a woman eat her dinner. She picks at her food. Just like a barnyard chicken. Doesn’t eat all of it. Just selected choice little morsels.
It infuriates you. You ask her, aren’t you gonna eat that? Then you reach over to her plate and take it. You’re the sucker paying for the dinner, after all.
Women lose their car keys.
I don’t lose mine. I hang onto mine like my life depended on it.
Why do women lose car keys? Because millions of years ago they had wings and could fly around effortlessly. So, they disdain subconsciously (without knowing it) travel on the ground. Thus, they don’t care about their keys.
I swear. Sometimes my wife makes me so angry and resentful, I become numb with rage. Therefore, I call this… the Theory of Birdie Num Num.
Old women get a hump in their back with age (called Dowager’s Hump) that makes ’em look like the hunchback of Notre Dame (named after an old-time,deformed, backfield college football player).
Why do you think that is?
THAT’S WHERE THE WINGS USED TO GO! The place where the wings used to hook up to the spine. This old broad wants to fly away.
Chances are her husband wants that too.
But he thinks she’ll use a broomstick. She was once a pterodactyl (prehistoric bird). There are still certain similarities. Look at her tiny, gnarled hands with the wicked, obscene fingernails. Look at those shriveled little hooters on the pterodactyl.
Now. Stomp hard on the old broad’s foot.
Hear that screech she made? Didn’t that sound just like a prehistory avian predator? You bet it did.
What more proof do you need?
Ever see Paris Hilton throw out her chest? Watch a robin in the tree in your front yard do the same thing. It’s a proven fact that birds store rocks they’ve eaten in their chest to help grind up and digest the plants they eat. If you feel Paris Hilton’s left breast, you will see it’s as hard as a rock.
And finally, unlike men, women constantly preen themselves (lipstick and comb). How birdlike. In the car, they ask you to roll the window up so as not to muss their hair. This is an ancient urge to keep all their feathers perfectly aligned.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this scientific treatise, men are descended from hogs. If you doubt, watch myself or your Uncle Fred eat dinner. Hogs root in mud, they smell, they’re hairy, filthy, powerful, big and lumpy,and don’t care very much about their weight. They consume everything in sight. They belch and fart a lot.
Okay. Nobody’s perfect.
Women don’t have the same trouble with car keys through holes in their pockets. They usually don’t have pockets.Women carry their keys in a purse, a type of leather bag.
The purse makes things disappear into an abyss more deadly, more unfathomable than the Bermuda Triangle, or the black hole from the Big Bang theory.
Things go in and are never seen again.
Like car keys.
“Would you reach in my purse and pull out my comb?”
Never never never agree to search a woman’s handbag for something she wants. You won’t find the comb. And you’ll get angry.
Here’s what you will find:
A ticket stub from a Rod Stewart concert dating from sometime in the 1970s. A Velcro tweezer case without the tweezers. A plastic condiments tub (petrified ketchup) from a visit to McDonald’s last July. Assorted greasy beauty aids in small cases, substances gleaned from the spit and anal droppings of whales. An empty nasal spray container. Half filled aspirin bottle. An unpaid crumpled-up traffic ticket from 1993. The customary assorted hair pins. And a long-lost state tax refund check for $3.71 that was never cashed and like the discovery of Tut’s Tomb, sees the light of day for the first time in eons. When you try to understand the mind of a female, you come here first…the purse.
It simply can’t be done.
Despite all the things your wife or girlfriend does to irritate you, you are much worse. You stay out late at night and drink too much and she drives you home. You don’t shave and you don’t lower the toilet seat after you’re done and this is only the beginning.
Show her that you are thankful for her. Despite all the irritating things she does listed above. Buy a MemoryTag greeting card with video capability. Use your smartphone to record a message,then place your video message on the small patch on the card. She gets your card, opens it, and uses her smartphone to play your video.
There you are thanking her for putting up with you.
She’ll love you for it. You’ll get more and better sex. https://memorytag.cards/.