You might have heard of a new, upcoming app called Peeple. Peeple has been described as “Yelp for people,” allowing users to review everyone they know on a five star scale. I just want to be clear, I think this can only lead to hurt feelings, negative consequences, and ruined relationships. I would like to get ahead of the curve and request that you give me a very high rating on the app when it is released in November.
One of the primary complaints is that you cannot opt-out of being included if someone decides to review you. As you might expect, this has people upset. Quite frankly, I feel this is a deplorable service that will inevitably be used with ill-intent. I would never want to be included in such a service, given the choice. However, since I do not have the choice, I think it would be best if you go ahead and give me an excellent review as soon as the app is released, on the first day of availability perhaps.
I would like to stress that even if the app was conceived with honest intentions, there is nothing preventing people from posting unfairly critical reviews. Individuals unfortunately will not be able to delete or remove dishonest or slanderous content. As such, I humbly implore you to create a reminder on your phone, set aside some time in your schedule, and write a glowing 5-star review of me as soon as possible.
In conclusion, everyone should download the offensive, misguided app Peeple when it is released. Be sure to give me, Jeremy Gundel, a detailed and complimentary review. I would never dream to encourage widespread adoption of this vile service, so it might be best if you were to give everyone else you know a 1-star review, to highlight the inherent dangers of such a concept. If I somehow end up looking better in comparison, that is certainly not my intention.
Together, we have the power to fight back against this disgusting app, one review at a time.