WASHINGTON DC –
Declaring that “the American people deserve more from this administration,” President Donald Trump called a press conference this morning to announce that he has initiated proceedings to impeach his Vice President, Mike Pence.
“While this administration has produced amazing results in our first few months, probably the best start for an administration in US history,” said the President, “there have been a lot distractions. And frankly, someone needs to be held accountable. So, I have decided to start impeachment proceedings against the Vice President effective immediately.”
Full Court Press
Promising a “full court press” against the former Indiana Governor, who agreed to run as part of the President’s ticket less than a year ago, President Trump said he will bring the full might of the United States government to bear, to ensure that the Vice President is impeached quickly and efficiently. “It’s important that we take care of this right away, so that we can get back to making America great again.”
While the President cannot bring articles of impeachment himself, he displayed an executive order to reporters stating:
"I will hereby impeach the Vice President right after our weekly Tuesday lunch, at which time I will inform him he is fired, and he will walk thru the large double doors at the end of the oval office so he can get on an elevator. We will also have a camera man stationed in the elevator to record his reaction as he leaves the building."
The President did not relish the thought of impeaching his friend. “I like Mike, but he has just not been producing for his team,” he said matter of factly. “At our cabinet meeting it was clear that while other team members were bringing in lots of donations for the Trump Foundation, Mike was not holding up his end. For instance, he said he was working on a website, but when his team asked him to show them his progress, he just made excuses about his computer not working right.”
Wasn’t Working On The Website
“Ivanka, who is very smart about cyber, asked him if he was using Windows to build the website. But Mike couldn’t answer this very simple question which anyone who knows about websites could answer. So, although I could not impeach him at that meeting since the camera crew was not there, I decided I should do it as soon as possible.”
Constitutional law expert, Martin Brackish, of the conservative think tank Caput Inanis, said that as long as President Trump can convince the House and Senate that Vice President Pence did not build a website, the impeachment proceedings should be a slam dunk. “It’s really an up or down vote. When all is said and done, it really boils down to one thing: did Vice President Pence let his team down?”
“When cabinet members were making calls to wealthy friends on the phone bank, where was Mike?” said Mr. Brackish. “Chief Strategist Bannon was busy running the car wash. H.R. McMaster did a nice job coordinating helicopter rides for $100 each, bringing in a lot of contributions. Kelly Anne managed the eyeliner tips seminar at Mar-A-Lago. But what did the Vice President do to help get to the goal of 10,000 in donations for the Trump Foundation?”
“Honestly, it doesn’t look good,” Mr. Brackish said.
Up Against Dancing With The Stars
A statement released by the White House said that although the impeachment proceedings will be up against stiff competition in “Dancing With The Stars,” and “Big Bang Theory,” they are confident Americans are ready for a new impeachment trial and will tune in.
Rumors that Kenneth Starr will make a cameo appearance were unconfirmed. But sources say there will be plenty of celebrity power over the course of the hearings which should last well into the fall season. According to the statement:
"The Impeachment of Mike Pence: VP Under Fire" will give networks a solid rating's boost, be good for the President's approval ratings, and good for the United States of America.
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