Full Credits

Stats & Data

3Funny
4Die
849
Views
June 02, 2011
Published
Description


 This is my new rant segment about people that really get under my skin for no reason at all.  Hate is a strong word, so that's exactly the word I'm going to use when describing my feelings towards these assholes.  Enjoy.




  The Tall Bike Guy.  Who the fuck do you think you are?  Who gave you the right to ride around Brooklyn on a really tall bike?  Are you making up for a lack of something or are you just into gadgets and making stupid shit?  Everyday I get up and pray to God that you fall off your bike. "Dear God, I pray for the strength to get through this day and be of service to my fellow man.  Also lord, can you make the tall bike guy fall really hard? I don't want you to kill him, but a broken clavical or tailbone isn't too much to ask for is it? Amen."

  When I see this guy rolling down the street on his gigantic bike, my mind immediately turns to extravagant fantasies of unfortunate tall bike mishaps.  My favorite scenario is the obvious "car door over the handlebars smashed face" scenario.  I also like the "didn't make bridge clearance decapitation" and the classic "cane in the spokes".

   At some point in the past 10 years, people started thinking, "Hey, I'm gonna take a perfectly good idea and make it worse."  On came a slew of "interesting" and "neat" bicycles.  "What kind of bike is that?  That's really neat."  Fuck you buddy.  The tall bike is easily the worst, but there's several more unnecessary modified cunt mobiles out there. 


  Another favorite of mine is the recumbent bike or recumbent trike.  These are great for amputees and people with special needs.  Especially the hand-cycle recumbents.  But that's not who you see riding them down the west side highway bike path is it?  You know what the recumbent guy looks like.  Traipsing around with that shit-eating grin on his face and four fully functional limbs.  He's always about 50 and he's quirky and inventive and not afraid to show his creative side.  What a dick. Why don't you get crazy and inventive and find a way to give your fat nasty old wife a proper orgasm.


  The foldable bike seems to have a function, but it's riders are still annoying.  Their one step ahead of the rest of us.  Their forward thinking and their not afraid to bike to work with a suit on.  Their the people bringing an unwanted bike into your apartment or place of work.  When they figure out a way to fold one up into my wallet, then I'll think about getting one.  Still, foldable bikes are the closest thing to acceptable in this rant.

  That takes us to the kick or foot scooter.  A great toy for young kids, a kind of lame toy for 13 year olds, suicide if your 18, and absolutely fucking ridiculous if your a grown man.  C'mon guys.  I know it gets you places faster and it's easy to store, but it's just so, for lack of a better term, gay.  That being said, I don't give gay men a break on this either.  This is an adult issue.  Grown people should not be riding scooters.  I don't know why, I just know they shouldn't.


 Other annoying forms of transportation include the segway (future generations will be making fun of us for this one), Rollerblades (totally acceptable for women, unacceptable for men), really long skateboards (how long is too long?), no-brake track bikes, (c'mon hipsters.  You're not Greg LeMonde and you're not Kevin Bacon from "Quicksilver".  Get some brakes.), Rascals for morbidly obese people (Hey fat fucks.  You know what would help you lose weight? Walking.  Fat Americans are taking "giving up" to new levels) and the foot thing with the wheels that swerve back and forth (I can't find a picture, because I have no fucking idea how to describe this thing, other than say, it's driven by really sweet dudes.)


I finally found it.




   

   

Advertisement
Advertisement