Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
mad props to Justin Keith
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Published July 18, 2011

Atlanta, GA- Researchers at Georgia Tech have found an enzyme in breast milk that is known to be crucial in the developmental process of male genitalia.

The enzyme, known as Baby's Arm VII, was discovered during an unrelated experiment aimed at testing the addictive properties of breast milk on chimpanzees. Researchers first noticed the change when several of the male chimps began behaving oddly.

"...suffering from delusions of grandeur, and cognitive-thinking was reduced. We finally caught on when one of the chimps 'sexted' us a picture of his penis", said Meridith Brown, Head of Biological Studies.

The experiment was quickly re-tooled for the purpose of studying the new effects, and the results were conclusive to say the least.

"It didn't matter if the chimp in question was still in his prepubescent phase or not. Their members showed increases in girth, length, and yaw. We even had one little fellow organize several female chimps into a hierarchy of what can only be described as 'sugar-mommas'. They brought him bananas, picked his fleas, and even flung his poo for him. It really was quite impressive. The behavior I mean, not his penis."

When asked what the practical applications might be for humans, Meridith had this to say, "I already bought a breast pump for my sister who's expecting soon. If she really loves me, she'll return the favor to me and my husband. There's no reason her little brat can't drink formula instead."