Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 23, 2011

Back again with another Update segment, last weeks was my most popular one by far, mainly due to the Christina Hendricks breast effect, so once again I'm officially selling out this week for more views, so whoever selected week four in the pool, congrats! Enjoy January Jones

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son was injured in a surfing accident this week in California. His friends weren’t surprised, as they said his surfing had been getting steadily worse since he had to fire his live in surfing coach for undisclosed reasons. 

David Hasselhoff has signed on for a new CBS show entitled “Same Name”, where celebrities swap places with people that share their name for a week. He will switch places with David Haselhoff, a small town Texas electrician. Celebrity David will perform electrical work for the week, while the other David will just eat all of his meals off the floor.

$2 million dollars worth of wine bound for the U.S. was destroyed in an Australian warehouse this week after the crate containing the wine was dropped off a forklift. Not surprisingly, it occurred on take your daughter to work day

Google has launched what it calls the Lunar X Project, which offers a $30 million dollar prize for the first private company to reach the moon. It’s unfortunate that even if Google successfully becomes a leader in space travel, it will still be best remembered for search results on how to enlarge your penis.

It was learned recently that Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann suffers from severe migraine headaches, which caused some pundits to speculate whether this may cost her a shot at the White House. So it’s official: no one in America won their “Head Issues That Will Stop Michele Bachmann from Being Elected President Fantasy Pool”

The superhero film Captain America was released in theatres this week, but due to perceived anti-American sentiments overseas, the studio decided to call it “The First Avenger” in foreign markets. To further protect themselves, they replaced Chris Evans with the kid from Slumdog Millionaire

Tiger Woods fired his long time caddy Steve Williams yesterday, and an upset Williams said he was going to write a tell-all book about his relationship with the golfer. Williams was even more upset when he found out he couldn’t have his choice of name for the book, after he learned that the book title “Shouldering the Load” was already copyrighted by Tiger’s mistress # 7

Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman’s campaign manager has resigned after a slow start to his campaign. Huntsman’s campaign has become criticized by detractors for its lack of fanfare, some saying there are more reporters than voters at his speeches. Even worse, all the reporters write for the Obituary section.

Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney was criticized by party members this week as they said he wasn’t taking the swing state of Iowa seriously in the election. But as someone who is trying to relate to the American people, nothing is more American, than not taking Iowa seriously

The Intercontinental Hotels chain is introducing new “snore absorption rooms” to their hotels in Europe in an attempt to limit loud snoring that annoys customers. The CEO of Intercontinental got the idea when he went to see the new movie Zookeeper in theatres

FIFA has banned Mohamed Bin Hammam, the man at the centre of the Qatar World Cup bribery scandal, for life from international soccer. This harsh decisions was softened by the fact that Bin Hamman was quickly hired by British PM David Cameron as his new Communications Director

A blogger in China stumbled across a fake apple store where even the employees thought the store was authentic. The store sold knockoff apple devices and was shut down as it was hurting the company’s image. Authorities arrested the store manager, this guy:

A couple celebrating their one year wedding anniversary paid $30 to stay in a newly built Missouri prison for the night. When the husband was asked why he and his wife paid $30 to spend the night in jail, he said: “What? She’s here too?”

A Minnesota man survived for 8 hours trapped in the trunk of his car while it was submerged in a lake close to his home. When asked why he ended up at the bottom of the lake, he explained he couldn’t afford the $30 a night to get away from his wife.

A study conducted by anti-prostitution activists found that men who paid prostitutes for sex, committed more crimes. The study also went on to conclude that men who steal, tend to get more things for free.

The band Cheap Trick was playing a show in the Canadian Capital of Ottawa, when a large gust of wind destroyed the outdoor stage, causing it to fall on top of the band. Said the lead singer for Cheap Trick: “I waaaaaannnnnnt youuu to ......TAKE ME TO A HOSPITAL!!!

A campaign is underway in Russia by supporters of Vladimir Putin to get the former PM re-elected. The campaign uses attractive young women who strip off their clothes and have “I tear off my clothes for Putin” written on their chests. The campaign asks all female supporters of Putin to strip naked in the streets for the chance to win an iPad2. It is still unconfirmed whether these efforts have helped Putin in the polls, but even if he gets re-elected, I have a feeling he’s going to be kind of busy.

When apple CEO Steve Jobs was asked about his view of the iPad2’s involvement in the campaign he simply replied: “There’s a PAP for that”

Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger got married this weekend, and dozens of his teammates attended the reception...mainly to block the door to the bathroom

For Fat Neil Update I'm Fat Neil, goodnight...and #PopPop!!!