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March 22, 2017

"I buy the tickets. $18.95 each because the bigwigs at New Line Fucking Cinema think you have to experience this fucking tree monster movie in 3D."

Jesus fucking Christ, alright here it goes. Last week I went to Showcase Cinema De Luxe at Ridge Hill off Tuckahoe Road in Yonkers, NY. I took my son, Hunter, to see the film “When a Monster Calls” because he said he was excited to see it and it was my day with him because Colette and Tom were out of town for the weekend and Colette’s attorney agreed that I could watch Hunter for the weekend. A real fucking gift, thanks to the great people at Kelly, Conway, Price, and Andrews LLC. First, we walked into the theater and Hunter instantly sees a poster for the new fucking Guardians of the Galaxy movie and he goes, “I want to see that instead actually”. I say, “Hunter, that doesn’t come out for months. It’s not playing here.” He goes, “Well I want to see it.” I said “Hey, man, me too. I don’t even know what this bullshit we’re about to walk into is.” He says, “It’s about a kid who draws a monster and then the monster comes to life and protects him.” I said “Fuck me, alright. Well, we’ll see that other space movie when it comes out.” He said “Thanks.” I said “No problem.”

I buy the tickets. $18.95 each because the bigwigs at New Line Fucking Cinema think you have to experience this fucking tree monster movie in 3D. I get the tickets and some rat faced, jerk off handed, skinny jean little bitch Iona Prep fucko hands me these plastic glasses. “What is this?” I said. This little shit goes “3D glasses” I says “What happened to the paper ones with the blue eye and the red eye” he says “I don’t know what you’re talking about” I said “When were you born” he said “1999”. I flipped him off and shoved him off his little swivel stool. “Stand like a fucking employee” I said to him.

Anyway, we get on line for snacks and Hunter goes, “I want a popcorn and a blue slushee” I said “Great”. I walk up to the woman at the counter, some old bitch who’s either been here for years or just got hired. Either way I’m fucked with this transaction from the get go. I says to her “Let me get a large popcorn, a blue slurpee, a diet Pibb, and some Pretzel MnM’s” she goes “That’ll be $25”. I stare this old fuck down. I hand her a

$30 bill and say, “Go fuck yourself”.

We get our snacks and head into the movie. They got a trailer for some new Scarlett Johamson picture and I swear to god I pop a B in my slacks so hard and so fast I nearly poked the Jets hat off the douche bag in front of me. Scar Jo’s running around some bullshit space city in a leather suit and I’m about to ruin my Dockers with my masculine au jus. I nudge Hunter and go “No wonder the movie theater floor’s so sticky, ey bud?” he didn’t get the joke cause he’s a little piss ant. Kid needs to see some fuckin Todd Phillips shit. “The Hangover” Trilogy is the best shit I’ve seen since goddamned “American Pie” Trilogy. I love that scene where Stiffmeister shaves his bare ass and sells the hair to buy a keg for the party. Hysterical.

The movie starts. Hunter was right, it’s about some fuckin’ tree monster that a kid draws and it comes to life and helps him deal with bullies and shit. It was actually a beautiful film cinematically and otherwise. J.A. Bayona has a directorial eye that’s unmatched by many in his field. He takes film and turns it into its purest form of art. If an impressionist painting could move it would be a J.A. Bayona film. I thought the story was incredibly important for Hunter as he’s been dealing with bullying at school. It was important for him to see the importance of self help. Victory and triumph comes from within. You must stand up for yourself. Your imagination is your greatest ally in the fight against tyranny as a child. Hunter loved the movie and the two of us grew closer having seen it together.

Colette and Tom have been missing since. Hunter and I have just kinda been fucking around for a week.