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November 21, 2009



Ya know, at some point in your life you're going to get into a fight. It might be in elementary school over a girl you like, or it might be when you're an adult...over a girl you like - but regardless of when it happens, you're going to need to know how to get out of it because if you don't you're going to get punched and brother, believe me, you don't want to get punched. It hurts.

Anyway, I've listed out some proven methods I've developed for getting out of a fight. Don't worry that some of the methods rely on the crowd that is watching the fight, because trust me, they'll be a crowd. Know how I know they'll be a crowd? Well, let me just tell you this - there's going to be a fight between me and another dude tomorrow at 4.

Did you just check your calendar to make sure you could make it?

Of course you did, so did everyone else. If there's going to be a fight and at least one person that is not in the fight knows about the fight - they'll be a crowd. So, here you go - enjoy not getting punched. You can thank me whenever.

"The General Lee" - Right before the fight, when your opponent takes his first steps towards you, point to somewhere behind him and go 'Hey! What's that!'. He'll look, and then turn back to you and say how he didn't see anything. At that point you say 'You don't see that Civil War re-enactment?'. He'll either think you're crazy for seeing it, or he's crazy for not. At this point, put both hands behind your back and lower your head while you walk around reciting the Gettysburg Address. Your opponent will either get bored and walk away, or stay and listen to the single greatest speech ever written. If he stays, he won't want to fight you because now he definitely thinks you're crazy. Victory!

"The Patriot" - Stage an actual Civil War re-enactment. However, the trick here is that one of the guns is REAL. When the fight starts, grab the real gun - the rest is self-explanatory but I'll explain it anyway - grab the real gun and when the wind reaches a NW direction of 8-12 mph, point the gun at the nearest flag pole and shoot just below the truck assembly at the stationary Halyard (not the revolving Halyard) this will separate the snap hooks from the cleat covers and drop the retainer ring assembly onto the flash covers which in turn drops the flag on top of your opponent. While he's trapped beneath Old Glory, run away. Victory!

"The Dante" - When the other guy shows up and the crowd is good and ready, look up into the sky and exclaim in a whiny voice 'I’m not even supposed to BE here today!' It's a quote from the movie Clerks - everyone will get a good laugh and the situation will dissolve itself. Victory!

"The Freedom Fighter" - Take your clothes off. That's all. Victory!

"The Dairy King" - (Or "Dairy Queen" for the ladies). Get the entire crowd on your side by saying 'I was gonna take all of you guys out for ice cream, but I have this stupid fight to do...'. The crowd will turn on your opponent, scaring him away in hopes of getting treated to ice cream. When the other guy has been chased away, turn to the crowd and point to somewhere behind them and go 'Hey! What's that!'. When they all turn to look, run away. Victory!

"The Roosevelt" - Speak softly and carry a big stick. Just as the fight is about to begin, start mumbling things, quietly, under your breath, ya know - 'speaking softly'. Your opponent will wonder what you're saying and start walking towards you to hear better. When he gets close enough, hit him with the stick. Victory!

"The MVP" - Prepare. Before you ever even get in a fight, spend a few months lifting weights, eating right, doing pull ups and push ups, etc. Doing this will build muscle, making you very strong - strong enough to swing a big stick really hard. Victory!

"The Webmaster" -  Spend all of your time indoors in front of a computer writing a weekly column for a comedy website - that way you'll never interact with society the way normal people do thus reducing your chances of ever getting in a fight. Victory!

That's it! Sounds pretty easy, huh? Let me just add that when you are getti...


What'd you say?

Who are you calling ugly? That's it, man! It's on! Let's do this!

Hey, what's that!