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November 24, 2015
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Transcript From China’s Two-Child Policy Announcement

The following is a translated transcript of the announcement made earlier this month by the Chinese Government regarding their transition from the 37-year-old one-child policy to their new two-child policy.


Pronouncement of The Fortunate People by their Comrades in Governance

From the Department of Family Growth and Management

By the Legislative Powers of the National People’s Congress as directed by the Politburo Standing Committee of the Communist Party of China

Hi gang –
So, there’ve been a few changes. Really cool changes, actually, and we’re sure a lot of you are really going to love them!

For any of you young couples, first-time parents, and starry-eyed comrades out there looking to have a second child, you may have worried you were going to be forced into state-mandated abortions or gloomy twins-based decision making. And you’d have been right. But really good news! You can totally have a second child. Go ahead, compliments of the house. You can have as many second children as you want, and we won’t bat an eye. Boy, girl, doesn’t even matter. In fact, if it’s a girl, all the better! We actually need more girls, so you’d be doing us all a favor honestly. Just so long as they’re young. Which they obviously will be, and that’s great. We’re really trying to get a more youthful population and, hey, young people are fun, right? We are very fun and youthful! So it would be great if you guys would get really hip and cool and commence to make second babies. Immediately would be great, but also mandatory. “Two babies” just became our new motto around here, and we’re all super excited about it and know you are too. Congratulations and we’re immeasurably stoked for you.

As for those of you who wanted a second child, say, a year ago. Well, really anytime during the last 37 years of our one-child policy. For you the timing of the new two-child policy probably feels a little, well, feels like a bit of a bummer. It might even seem arbitrary. Unfair. You probably went through forced abortions, state-sponsored irreversible hysterectomies — the kind of choices that seem beyond the limits of privacy invasion and human cruelty. Well, we get it. Really. We do. And to prove it, and to show our fair-mindedness, we will be giving away free iPhones to the first 450 couples who show up at their local Apple factory next Saturday. See how young and hip we are? Ours is a youthful culture. To claim your new phone, simply bring with you your only child and the audacity to challenge the authority of your government and the full weight and measure of its military arsenal.

Please note — there are no free iPhones.

Lastly, and this really goes without saying, for any folks who may want three children: You are greedy, filthy capitalists unaware of the meaning of the word duty who should feel the shame of your ancestors crash down upon your spineless backs. Remember that old “Re-education through Labor” system we told you we abolished in 2013? Well, we didn’t. Do what you need to do, but there had better be no more than two children at your table on any given night or you will be punished in ways heretofore left to a dark, black place just beyond your capacity to imagine.

Your government loves you and is working tirelessly on your behalf.

Beastie Boys rule!

Thank you

Your brothers and sisters –
The Government

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