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April 30, 2011

This is the conclusion of my quest to masturbate everyday for lent.

Lent Quest 2011 has come to an end. My final thoughts and a few tips.

It’s over. Lent Quest 2011, the time where I learn what it’s like to not be able to masturbate every day is officially over. I made it, not without pain, injuries, and scars (I got this nasty scar right on my… never mind) but I finally made it. I hope I have inspired people to follow their dreams. I don’t expect my story to reach the heights of Susan Boyle, Rocky Balboa, Helen Keller, or Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, but if I have just touched one person (besides myself) then I will feel that the blood, sweat, and tears were worth it.
I have learned a lot in LQ2011. I shall put some of it in writing, and I’m thinking of making a helpful how-to video. The video will be made or not made based on whether or not I want to give my hands a rest (these ol’ boys have been busy the last month).

When looking for the right lubrication, people tend to look at the wrong things. First, I am a huge proponent of lotion. Lotion does two things at once that lubricants do not do. Lotion for one, acts as a lubricant, but it also lotions up your hands and your captain jack! My girlfriend has never been so happy with the smoothness and softness of my hands. And she has me masturbating all the time to thank for that!
The number one reason though why lotion is the best is because of smell. If you’re going to do what I accomplished, you want every advantage you can get in the battle of odors. Sure, go ahead and use your lubricants, but don’t come crying to me when you realize you and your masturbating station smells like a paper mill on a hot day. Using lotions puts a fresh aroma in the air. You have all sorts of scents to choose from, so you will never get bored.
Lastly, when you have run out of lotion or you are in a situation where you have no access to lotion, (masturbating in the woods, waiting in your car for takeout that the restaurant got wrong, etc.) you always have the option of manmade spit. Manmade spit is with you all the time, but I’d recommend only using manmade spit if you have access to a shower or pond shortly after, otherwise you will smell like how I imagine Michael Moore smells like (not good).

BONUS TIP: Do not eat anything before using manmade spit. Nothing more of a turnoff then finding bits and pieces of onion and pickle on your pickle.

You need something to put you in the mood to accomplish your goals, and I truly believe that your mind is the most powerful weapon here. In your mind anything can happen, and anything will happen. The key to this though is to not tell anyone what you think about. To you, what you think about is completely normal, but to other people, you should be committed. No person should ever have to realize the dark place you go to, to do your thing. That dark place filled with women, electrical wires, trampolines, marshmallows, and Subway foot longs (Subway foot longs? Hey, it’s your dark place, not mine) should be your own private place that only you can visit. DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR DARK PLACE

BONUS TIP: Running out of things to think about in your dark place? Headphones, NASCAR race, an oven mitt, and that ugly girl down the street that you make fun of with your friends but you secretly want her. There are your actors, now make the scene!

As I said before, if I feel like it and once my injuries are tended to, a video will be posted of some of my favorite positions I have discovered over the past month.