And once again, the holiday season is upon us. Tis the season to be jolly indeed. People from all walks of life, all creeds and colors, shapes and sizes, yellows, browns, blacks, whites, and reds... they are bursting at the seams with the spirit of giving and comradery, and the department stores are ever so thankful. It is a time of joy, a time of family, and a time of love, but for some people... the holiday season brings about feelings of dread and anguish. Some are unfortunate enough to spend their holidays alone, living in a black pit of despair, fangs and slime hanging from the walls, a smell of day old Halail food emanating from the deepest part of the pit, litter about the floor, dead pigeons sprawled about, remnants of Justin Biebers’ rape condoms clinging to the aforementioned fangs, completely devoid of even the smallest ounce of love or friendship ... their Thanksgiving is absent of the customary and delicious, if not a little dry, hand-carved, golden brown Turkey and is sadly replaced by Pizza Hut Delivery, action packed with a 45 minute wait and an awkward head-nod to the Puerto Rican delivery boy, Miguel, who once again forgot the breadsticks...DONDE ESTAS MIS FUCKING BREADSTICKS, MIGUEL!? Hanukah will, this year, be matzo-less, the menorah, will go unlit, and the chance of casually flirting with your second-cousin, Rachel, who is not only aggressively finger-able, but just broke up with her boyfriend, Dante, and is sad enough to maybe, just maybe drown her sorrows in a questionably incestual load of your semen, after your penis sneakily made its way into her desperate mouth, of course... but you won't have any of that, because this holiday season... you are ALONE. Christmas... let's not even talk about that clusterfuck of melancholy and sorrow... the thought of even decorating a tree by yourself is enough to inspire thoughts of roasting your head in a open fire, letting your skull pop like a pathetic, lonely, sexless chestnut. Now that my friends, is irony. For someone who is sad and alone, someone who is depressed and without hope... the holiday season can be a pretty disturbing time, it can take its emotional toll on a person and can leave them down in the dumps with their heart aching, nay yearning for some kind of human contact, some infinitesimal ounce of love to be thrown their way...
This, up until a couple of weeks ago, was how I thought my holiday season was going to be. I was battling with the loss of someone very close to me, and thrown into a bout of unprecedented depression. How could I look forward to the holidays when I was feeling so alone and empty? When I felt as if I had no one to turn to and no one who loves me! When I felt so, so troubled and bitter! Well you know how I could do that? Not be such a fucking pussy! My vagina was gaping so widely that I could’ve nestled two, maybe three Caylee fetuses comfortably within it. I was pitiful. How could I expect anyone to love me when I didn't even love myself, when I didn't respect myself or have pride in what I had to offer the world? When I lost my faith in humanity? Lost my resolve, and most despicably lost my will to live!? And of course I had people who loved me! I have so many great and wonderful friends who care about me and would throw themselves in hail of gunfire if it meant my protection! My faith was misplaced, but it came back to me just in time to spend Thanksgiving with people I loved, people who would go to the end of the earth for me, knowing that, made the holidays come alive for me, I was again, happy. My personal faith was restored by knowing that I did mean something to other people, did contribute to the world… I came to know that everyone on this earth has a purpose, and no matter how small or insignificant they think it to be, it is not, all people are here to fulfill a destiny!
And you know what, I SHARTED! I did it again! AND, at Thanksgiving dinner! WOOOO! How crazy am I!?!? Another Shart? Another public shit in my pants? I must be out of my dang mind!!! I'm so wild and great! So handsome and charming!!! And when I told my friends of the incident later that evening, expecting them to be ashamed and disappointed, how did they respond!!?? With fondness and pure, unadulterated joy! They were proud of me! Impressed by my antics, my horseplay, my child-like tom-foolery! I sat right on my good friends' couch and pooped my pants! Shat myself right under her nose! The diarrhea stain was in between the size of a nickel and a quarter! I rubbed my fingers through my butt-crack and felt my own liquid gold, it smelled nastier, greasier, and more shameful than a one night stand at Zucotti Park! I had poo dripping down my thighs! I had to run into the bathroom and throw my boxers out the shower window! WOW! And you know what... even though I turned my friends couch into my own personal, bonafied Penn-State Locker Room, dropping such a smelly, dripping, cantankerous Sandusky into my trousers that even the pure, angelic laughter of schoolboys could not atone for my heinous crime, I once again had purpose, because I knew people loved me. Me and my youthful shenanigans, OH BOY!
I sharted, and my friends laughed. They didn't laugh at me, but with me. They were there with me on that fateful Thanksgiving night to restore my faith in humanity, but most of all, they made me believe in myself again. You don't need to be alone this holiday season. No matter what you think, you have people out there who love you, people who care about you, people who need you just as much as you need them. Don't push your friends and family away, embrace them, for they have so much to offer, so much to give you, so much to help you grow. The holidays are about sharing, they are about happiness, and most of all they are about being with the people you love. If you don't have love, you don't have anything... so go out there and be happy... I know I will! Happy Holidays Everyone!
P.S. All it takes to clean a dirty butthole is a little bit of toilet paper, some soap and water, and the incomparable miracle of having friends who care about you. That is my Thanksgiving Miracle!