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January 11, 2011

Do you trust what makes your drinks cold? Do you believe in the benevolence of that which freezes your car? You shouldn't. Ice is pure evil

Let me tell you a few things about ice. Ice is the worst thing to happen to this world and I am glad that global warming is happening. Ice needs to start bending to our will and appearing where we say it should appear. I don’t get why people are so upset that the ice caps are melting. Ice already had it’s time to rule the world. It’s called the ICE AGE. Who wants to go back to that? You don’t hear people weeping about the dinosaurs being gone, and yet now that we’re finishing the job God started thousands of years ago, the world is going crazy. The only thing the Ice Age is good for is keeping Ray Ramano steadily employed with voice-over work. I love Manny.

Things ICE is good for:
·    Making Americone Dream
·    Recreating Hoth in your mom’s basement (I’ll clean it up, Mom)
·    Stopping fevers
·    Storing fish/dead bodies
·    Cooling my drinks
·    Recreating that scene from 9 ½ Weeks (you know the one I’m talking about)

People who benefit from ICE
·    Ice Sculptors
·    ICEE Salesman
·    Vanilla Ice
·    Ice T
·    Ice Cube
·    Any guy who has gotten a girl drunk from margaritas

People are worried that if global warming continues, things like snow will vanish. But we have the technology to create snow. We have the technology to do anything so what are we worried about if it doesn’t snow. Is my house always at or below 32? No. Then how do I have Ice in my house? Oh that’s right, I have a refrigerator. Technology will always save us and you luddites who cower at the thought of it being 33 instead of 32 during winter need to get on board. Don’t listen to scientists. They don’t believe in God. Did you know that the Vatican used to torture, ridicule and/or kill scientists? The Reformation was a mistake.
    And now people are trying to say that if we lose ice, we gain more water. What’s the problem with water? 2 Peter 3:5 “the earth was formed out of water and by water.” Water is a prisoner of ice, unable to move freely. We should be greeted as liberators when we release it from the polar icecaps so it can be in the ocean and from the mountain tops so it can flow in the mighty rivers of this earth. Ice is the internment camp of water and I will not see H2O turned into Anne Frank.
    People complain that the world would be a terrible place without ice. How soon those people forget what ice did to the Titanic. “God Himself cannot sink this ship.” That’s what they said about Titanic. And God didn’t sink that ship. Ice did. Ice is a slight against God; therefore it is in league with the devil. It’s the perfect plan. Who would suspect the devil, ruler of Hell (the hottest place on Earth) of being in cahoots in ice? I’ll tell you who: Me and I’m not buying what they’re selling. I say when the final ice cap melts, we rebuild the Titanic and sail its exact route to America to show man’s dominance over nature. Mother Nature is our bitch and needs to be fucked like one.