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January 22, 2018

The following is a proposal I made to the caretakers of the Mount Rushmore National Memorial.

My Proposal to Fix Mount Rushmore

Dear Mount Rushmore,

Hello, I’m sure you are well aware of the efforts and support flowing from the Mount Rushmore Appreciation Club (or, as its better known, the household acronym: MRAC). We recently had a wildly successful fundraising campaign, and now have a sizable donation that we are ready to put towards improving Mount Rushmore. It was staggering how many people donated and participated in our pledge drive. We cannot thank them enough, from Michigan to New Mexico, everybody “rushed” to help out.

However, we are currently at an impasse in regards to where the money should go. In the end, after much debate, three separate camps formed. The MRAC has reached a stalemate, as each camp finds equal support within our organization. Thus, we turn to you, to settle the matter of how Mount Rushmore will be upgraded with our significant donation.

Each group put together a short pitch for you, and we have compiled them into one email for your convenience. Whichever route you select, we will finance with our endowment, in the effort to fix Mount Rushmore.

Thank you,
James Springfield

P.S. Number two is my favorite.


More Rush on Rushmore:

Dear Mount Rushmore, Hello, it has become apparent to us and the rest of the United States that state parks and monuments are just not that exciting any more. Annual visitors to Mount Rushmore are at an all time (and rather embarrassing) low, due to the fact that the history being displayed is just a little too historic. We are looking to stick with the history motif, but make it a little more recent and relatable.

First one must think ‘what sells?’ The answer to that question is ‘sex’, sex sells, and one cannot have sex of course, without drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Therefore, We have come to the settlement that the faces of the members from the band Rush should accompany the other guys that are already up there. More Rush on Rushmore. Rush could be behind the other faces, under them, or beside them, that is where you guys really get to be creative. Government funding for this project is already in the preliminary stages, We look forward to working with you on this historic and patriotic project.

P.S. How hard do you think it would be to get the surviving band members to come to the opening ceremony.
P.P.S. Can we use the guy working on Crazy Horse?


Indian Addition Act:

Dear Mount Rushmore,Hello, we think the United States, especially people in the Black Hills, are well aware of the unjust treatment the U.S. has carried out against the Indian peoples. Lies, broken promises, downright disrespect and disregard to them as a people and their culture are an ugly part of our history, right up along side Executive Order 9066. We think it is time we give back to the Indian community and celebrate some of their most prominent figures. Which figures you ask, allow us to answer that question.

First would be Gandhi. His selection was simple. There are so many parallels between the United States and Gandhi. The U.S. fought to free itself from the thumb of the British Crown, as did Gandhi, though he didn’t directly “fight” them as much as he “fought” his hunger pains.

Second, as you guessed, would be Sanjay Gupta. Sanjay has made numerous progressive steps in the world of neurosurgery. Additionally, we have all seen what would become of the Grady Memorial Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia in a world without Sanjay (see Walking Dead season five).

Our next Indian is Sundar Pichai, the CEO of Google Incorporated, we don’t really need to explain to you his importance in our world today, God bless Sundar.

Our fourth and final Indian selection is Srinivasa Ramanujan his contribution in the field of analytical theory of numbers is incalculable. With these additions to Mount Rushmore (and the countless jobs out-sourced to India), we think we can begin to make right our wrong actions committed against the Indian community. We look forward to working with you on this project.

P.S. We’re actually pretty flexible with whatever Indians you choose to put up there.


Black Rock Obama:
Dear Mount Rushmore,

Hello, anybody who sees, hears or reads about Mount Rushmore sees a glaring gap in its yet to be executed completion. Already on the Mount are our first president and the first president to care about black people, which leads the public to demand answers as to why we do not have the first black president on the mountain. Now we know what you are thinking, ‘This is impossible, it cannot be done! The rock is white and Barrack is black!’ Fret not, we have a solution to the one and only snag in the plan: paint. The only reason Gutzon Borglum didn’t utilize the versatility of paint is because he only carved white folks into the mountain. He wasn’t against the use of paint, he just didn’t have the need for it, setting the ridiculous precedent that Mount Rushmore can’t have color. We believe this addition would draw in more visitors of both African-American communities and Non-African-American communities. Thank you and we look forward to working with you on this project.

P.S. We’re also a fan of Andrew Jackson, and since he might be unjustly kicked off the twenty-dollar bill by some underachieving woman, we think it would be fitting to honor him indefinitely by adding him to Mount Rushmore.