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July 05, 2016

Literally a bunch of headlines I wrote that got rejected from The Onion.

Ever wanted to read the stuff that didn’t make it into The Onion? Here’s your chance! See if you can figure out why America’s finest news source had no interest in these stories.

  • Candidates Debate Whether It’s Time For America To Switch Gods
  • New Study Discovers Effective Alternative Medicine That Your Insurance Won’t Pay For
  • Coworkers Skeptical Of Jewish Employee’s Claim That Her Tea Tastes Like Christmas
  • Study Finds Endangered Animals 50% Cuter Than Regular Ones
  • Political Scientist Refers To Middle East As “Basically A Bunch Of Diabetic Kids Fighting Over Insulin”
  • Local Musician Who Has Practiced Guitar For 9,999 Hours Sounds Terrible
  • Boss Ingeniously Softens The Blow Of Otherwise Foreboding Gchat Message By Adding Smiley Face
  • Last Straggler At Networking Event Still There
  • Man Fails To Turn Exciting Adventure Into Good Story
  • Chicken Being Turned Into Chicken Fingers Feels Comfortable Making Holocaust Joke
  • Local Drug Dealer Now Offering Cage-Free Heroin
  • Netanyahu Admits To Not Totally Keeping Up With What’s Going On In Israel
  • Friend’s Europe Trip Sounds Identical To All Her Other Friends’ Europe Trips
  • Obama Thinking About Taking Up Crocheting
  • Local Vegan Silently Judges Local Vegetarian
  • Stubborn Donkey Won’t Mate With Horse To Produce Hybrid Horse-Donkey Creature For Us
  • Casualties Continue To Grow Following Local Dojo’s “Bring Your Friend To Karate Day”
  • Recently Dumped Woman Triumphantly Eats All Her Roommate’s Candy Bars, Buys Replacements And Stuffs Them Into Original Box In Record-Breaking Time
  • German Archaeological Dig Discovers Record-Breaking 1940s Campout
  • Donald Trump Demands To See Own Birth Certificate
  • Study Finds Lambs Most Enjoyable In Either Petting Zoos Or Stews
  • Woman Harnesses Inner Eye And Looks Into Great Beyond To Avoid Making Eye Contact With Crying Airbnb Guest

Photo: https://pixabay.com/en/photos/onions/