Dear John Tesh,
Recently me and my bros got together to knock a few
beers back and play some Texas Hold 'em. We had some disagreements on the rules
of the game and a heated argument broke out. Could you please explain the rules.
I've been there buddy. You should see myself and my bridge club
when we've had a few too many lines of coke, arguing over the metaphors of old
Ally McBeal episodes that I keep playing in the background of my game room at
Okay, so here's how I've always played Texas Hold 'em. I've
done some research and this is consistantly the way it is generally played.
First, everybody gets their own deck of cards. (remember to pull out all of the
jokers and write your name in the top corner and place them all face down in a
small pile, and when they game is over shuffle the jokers and everybody draws a
card and whomever's name is on the card, that person goes to bed with them, and
if you get your own name you have to masturbate in front of the whole group)
After everybody gets their own decks and shuffles up, the shortest
person has to deal The Flop. (At 6'6" I'm never first, which is unfortunate
because one of my favorite jokes, something my father showed me, is when it's
time for the Flop, I like to flop my penis out)
The Flop consists of
forty cards. And thus begins the first round of betting. I like to go all in on
the Flop (no, not my penis, silly).
Next comes the Turn. The turn is
when everybody turns the cards that they want to count for their hand sideways.
And then comes the second round of betting.
Next is the River. Everybody
swaps cards with the person they're least attracted to. When I played Texas hold
'em in Equador, The River meant you had to go into the alley and find a
red-headed prostitute and bring her back to the hotel in five minutes or you
automatically folded. Some of my biggest earnings came from Equador. Anyway,
then comes the Third round of betting once you've decided who you would
abolutely not pork.
Then comes the Mountain. This is a little tricky to
understand. But I'll explain it as best I can. You'll need three things in
particular. One, a loaf of bread. Two, peanut butter. Three, a Harry Potter
book. One person, the dealer's choice but usually the small stack, will make
peanut butter sandwiches and distribute them to the big stack bully, who has to
read chapter 3 of The Chamber of Secrets while shoving the peanut butter
sandwiches into his mouth without a drink, while the dealer deales out the rest
of his cards. If the big stack can't get through the whole chapter in time, the
dealer exchanges his cards with Uno cards and he plays the rest of the game as
Finally comes the Plateau. At this point the entire group hides
their favorite card somewhere on or in their body and you play spin the bottle
and whomever the bottle points to you have to guess where their card is and then
investigate. But be careful, you only get one guess. Everytime you guess wrong, you and your
person have to get naked and do the cha cha.
And that's how it's played,
Darrell. It can be quite an exciting game if you have to right host. Happy
P.S. If you really want to make the game interesting, Try
this: Everything is wild!!!
John "Big Daddy Kane" Tesh
Hall of Fame