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Published August 04, 2010 More Info »
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Published August 04, 2010
Dear John Tesh,

Recently me and my bros got together to knock a few beers back and play some Texas Hold 'em. We had some disagreements on the rules of the game and a heated argument broke out. Could you please explain the rules.

Thanks,
Darrell Jenkins
Tucson, Arizona


Dear Darrell,

I've been there buddy. You should see myself and my bridge club when we've had a few too many lines of coke, arguing over the metaphors of old Ally McBeal episodes that I keep playing in the background of my game room at all times.

Okay, so here's how I've always played Texas Hold 'em. I've done some research and this is consistantly the way it is generally played. First, everybody gets their own deck of cards. (remember to pull out all of the jokers and write your name in the top corner and place them all face down in a small pile, and when they game is over shuffle the jokers and everybody draws a card and whomever's name is on the card, that person goes to bed with them, and if you get your own name you have to masturbate in front of the whole group)

After everybody gets their own decks and shuffles up, the shortest person has to deal The Flop. (At 6'6" I'm never first, which is unfortunate because one of my favorite jokes, something my father showed me, is when it's time for the Flop, I like to flop my penis out)

The Flop consists of forty cards. And thus begins the first round of betting. I like to go all in on the Flop (no, not my penis, silly).

Next comes the Turn. The turn is when everybody turns the cards that they want to count for their hand sideways. And then comes the second round of betting.

Next is the River. Everybody swaps cards with the person they're least attracted to. When I played Texas hold 'em in Equador, The River meant you had to go into the alley and find a red-headed prostitute and bring her back to the hotel in five minutes or you automatically folded. Some of my biggest earnings came from Equador. Anyway, then comes the Third round of betting once you've decided who you would abolutely not pork.

Then comes the Mountain. This is a little tricky to understand. But I'll explain it as best I can. You'll need three things in particular. One, a loaf of bread. Two, peanut butter. Three, a Harry Potter book. One person, the dealer's choice but usually the small stack, will make peanut butter sandwiches and distribute them to the big stack bully, who has to read chapter 3 of The Chamber of Secrets while shoving the peanut butter sandwiches into his mouth without a drink, while the dealer deales out the rest of his cards. If the big stack can't get through the whole chapter in time, the dealer exchanges his cards with Uno cards and he plays the rest of the game as so.

Finally comes the Plateau. At this point the entire group hides their favorite card somewhere on or in their body and you play spin the bottle and whomever the bottle points to you have to guess where their card is and then investigate. But be careful,  you only get one guess. Everytime you guess wrong, you and your person have to get naked and do the cha cha.

And that's how it's played, Darrell. It can be quite an exciting game if you have to right host. Happy Learning.

P.S. If you really want to make the game interesting, Try this: Everything is wild!!!

Peace Out, 
John "Big Daddy Kane" Tesh
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