Curious as to how one can actually study Hinduism with all those goofy names and blue gods? Here's fucking how. Politically incorrect? A little. Fun as all hell? Damn straight. Profane? Without a fucking doubt. Bathroom breaks? Currently seven. And if I'm writing over what is now twenty pages (double spaced) of a self made study guide, I am going to have a good time doing it. And then I'm going to share it. And rock the shit out of this midterm.
Working title: Since You My Professor Can Barely Teach, I'm Going To Be A Sarcastic Asshole While I Study for Examinations.
PS - May have ranted a bit with Krishna, but he's a fucking sweet avatar of Vishnu. Don't hate. Same with Shiva.
Ravidas - Dude has a big bush on his face and looks like a hindu Jesus
Kabir - He likes to read and is one pale motherfucker.
Mira Bai - Has a fetish with lord Krishna and dances.
Holi festival - Celebrated because Prahlada worshipped Vishnu and his daddy didn’t like it. He fails at killing his son, so he makes his supposedly unburnable daughter sit with him in a fire. However, the bitch burns and he stays fresh.
Hierarchy of Hindu Gods
There’s Brahman right? He’s God. As in, THE god (it's kinda gray, because Brahman is technically power formed from Brahmanistic rituals. The highest divinity is called Atman. Confused yet?) He’s what everone represents. Then he’s got his male and female parts. The male side consists of Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva. Sometimes Brahma and Shiva get together with all of Vishnu’s avatars and have a guy’s night out. They saw Bridesmaids last week and really enjoyed it. Then Shiva transported them into the future so they could see the Hangover 2. It was a swell time, but Panasurama ate too many milk duds left early while Krishna pulled the old phallus in the popcorn trick which left Vamana none too happy. The females are Saraswati, Lakshmi, and Shakthi. Believe it or not, neither of these three are the goddesses of cleaning, cooking, or sex. I felt a little ashamed for whoever worships these female deities. The female counterparts are all considered daughters of Durga, and who doesn't want a mother named Durga (say her name five times fast, do it).
The Devas have their own little gang of rebels. Agni is fire, Vayu is wind, Surya is sun, Varuna is sky/water, Mitra is Oaths, Indra is thunder and war, and Yama is the god of death (despite being the God of the death, the Deva’s all think he’s the prankster of the group. With that being said, who is the most serious and what does he do in his free time?). Indra was the first one to have a describable human body. He is a warrior god who created the universe by slaying a serpent demon Vitra who was hoarding all the water necessary for life. When Indra showed that punk bitch demon who was boss, he created sun, sky and cosmic order under
Indra eventually becomes associated with the establishment of order and getting shit done. The Devas have their Garys to their Ash Ketchums though and they are called Asuras. Their main deal is just to keep cosmic order though. And they fuck up the Asuras plans when they want to take over heaven. And by now, we all know what happens when you try to take over heaven. To put it in perspective, it's like when quadriplegic midgets think they can defeat George St. Pierre when St. Pierre in a no holds barred street fight and St. Pierre is allowed brass knuckles and steel toed boots. To dumb it down even more, Devas beat the shit out of Asuras in EVERY STORY. No lie.
Gods and Goddesses
Durga – slays a badass buffalo demon. Her story is explained in the Purana. The buffalo asked for immortality but when denied, he asked that his death only happen at the hands of a woman. The God’s got scurred when the buffalo started attacking so they combined their powers to form captain planet. Just kidding. They made maha devi, a goddess. She had eight arms. The buffalo attacked and she ripped him a new asshole. The end. The day Durga beat the shit out of him is known as Dussehra or Durga Puja.
As a side note - This bitch rides on a lion. Nobody fucks with a lion. Especially when it’s being rode by an 8 armed killing machine that just so happens to have a staff of DEATH.
Ok. Let’s be frank here. Vishnu is one badass dude. He chills up in the heaven above the seven heavens called Vakuntha. He has multiple forms including the famous Rama and Krishna. His forms are symbols of evolution as he goes from a fish to a few guys you do NOT want to fuck with. Here are their stories.
His earliest form is as the Narayana. Narayana sleeps on the serpent Ananta. He is sometimes identified as Hindu’s Adam or the original gangster of humanity. Unfortunately, at the time, there was nobody he could pull a drive-by stone throw on.
MATSYA was a FISH. He pulls some shit that saves Manu, the earth, and the Vedas. He saves mankind with that shit. That’s some good shit.
KURMA is a TURTLE. He is associated with another flood myth. The tortoise provides a base for the gods to churn the sea. As they churned, a poison named Halahala came forth. I'm fairly certain I don't even need to elaborate about the jokes I could make with that name. Not as cool, but still pretty tight.
VARAHA is the BOAR – he killed Hiranyaksha. The demon was the younger brother of Hiranshipu, who was the father of Prahlada (Holi). Raised the earth to dry land after the second flood.
The Man Lion. Need I say more? No. But just for shits and giggles, NARASIMA killed a demon at dusk, on a porch, in his lap. Why? Because the demon was a complete dick and waged war on heaven. And you do not want to wage war on heaven. Because a man-lion will fuck you the fuck up. See above for details. Bitch.
VAMANA the DWARF. He’s a dwarf. Not a midget. Oh, that, and he grows into a giant and foils a demon who sought control of the universe. No big. He encompassed earth, sky, and middle air. He got so big that he required only three steps to live on. He placed his foot on King Mahabali’s head and gives him immortality for his benevolence. Not a bad deal. Mahabali was Prahlada’s grandson bee tee dub. And he has a festival called Onam that is celebrated because of him. Just an eff why eye.
PARASURAMA – Son of a Brahman. Killed a king, but those king’s sons killed the Brahman. Bad idea. Parasurama proceeded to kill all the males for 27 generations. Where did he learn to kill? Shiva. And Shiva knows his way around killing shit. His name means Rama with an Axe. Rama originally had a bow, but this guy had an axe. Crazy fucking shit. Delivers Brahmins from those arrogant kshatriya pricks.
RAMA – This guy is the epitome of “The Man”. He is the hero of the Ramayana. He killed the world’s most terrible demon (Ravana) for fucks sakes. Give him some credit. He represents the ideal Hindu. His wife Sita, brother Lakshma, and devotee Hanuman (the monkey king) help him out a bit too.
Krishna – Krishna and Bam Margera would be best fucking friends forever. Krishna was a prankster as a child, he grew up to be a playa, but he was a good guy too. He was also smart as fuck. See the Bhagavad Gita for further confirmation where he tells Arjuna that he’s being a tad bit of a bitch and he needs to sack up and kill his kin to perform his dharma.
He has different origins, but the main gist of it is that a demon took the form of this sandwich maker (a wife)’s husband and ravished her. Their bastard son was named Kansa, and he really was a bastard. He deposes his father, murders kids, and bans worship of Vishnu. Kansa’s little sister Devaki was to give birth to an 8th child. Her husband gave up their first 7 sons so that she may live. Kind of an asshole move, but Krishna was eventually born because of the black hair that Vishnu implanted in Devaki. Vasudeva (the husband) ran away with Krishna. After Kansa was informed of Krishna’s birth, he ordered all male children to be killed. That was a GIANT dick move. As in, Kansa’s actions were probably taking 100mg of Viagra bi-daily.
So these dickhead demons are trying to kill Krishna as a child right? Good fucking luck. He kills Putana by sucking the life out of her through her teets, he disallows a whirlwind to take him away by growing too heavy (or as I like to say, going American). And then he kills the whirldwind. Then a giant horse comes to slay the kid…but Krishna tells him to shut his mouth, know his role, and finishes him off by dropping a people’s elbow into the horses mouth and chokes it to death. Kaliya was poisoning the waterhole. Krishna didn’t like that, so he just made him leave (epic right?). Oh yeah, he can also swallow fire. Totes. He also pulled a Superman Returns and lifts a giant mountain over his head.
After Krishna was lured back to Mathura with his brother Balarama, They confront Kansa. Krishna death valley drove that bitch from his throne and dragged him in the dust by his hair. That is all.
BUDDHA – Oh come on now, you didn’t know? Buddha was a pretty chill guy. He exemplified Hinduisms ability to absorb disparate religious elements. Buddha appeared (according to Hindus) to teach the world to have compassion for animals. How lovely.
KALKIN – This guy is so fucking sweet he hasn’t even been around yet. He is gonna come on a white horse and punish evil doers and reward the righteous. Even some christian radicals who attend church every sunday compare him to the second coming, but we all know how they can get sometimes...
As shown above, Vishnu is a pretty fucking sweet god. No lie. Shiva and Brahma who? But Vishnu aint Vishnu without a sweet bitch and an awesome pet. His wife, Lakshmi is shown sitting on a lotus and represents good luck. His pet, Garuda, is a white faced bird with the wings of an eagle and the body and limbs of a man. Epicness at it’s finest. And I bet Vishnu would throw sick ass parties in Vakuntha (Kegstands, drinking games, and probably a lot of horny virgins. He pulls out all the stops). All in all, Vishnu is legit.
Lord of Opposites aka The Great Yogi (not the bear, idiots). His wife was Sati (she's hot).
Shiva originated as the “Lord of the Animals” on Mohenjo Daro seals (Mohenjo Daro was kinda like NYC, but gets fucked over by an earthquake and invaded by Aryan pricks).
Rudra was the name of Shiva that the Aryans worshipped. Rudra was made from Brahma’s dying breath. Yes, even I did not know Brahma could die. Cause he’s a god. And I didn’t know God’s could die. Rudra was a screamer.
Shiva is like the Gary Bucey of gods aka wild and bizarre. He doesn’t listen to caste, money, or adhere to proper behavior. Oh, and he is associated with dank. Fun fucking fact. Followers are naked and ash covered. Early images show shiva as broad shouldered, squat, and has curly hair (think Rick James, bitch).
Shiva is characterized as having a trident (Little Mermaid), a drum (Nick Cannon), a snake on his neck (Britney Spears), Rudraksha beads (fuck should I know...), a moon symbolizing time and his timelessness (Janet Jackson’s nip slip), he has a third eye which turns whoever he thinks about to ashes (chill, it’s usually evil and ignorant people), and he sits on a tiger skin (because he really disliked the Jungle Book’s antagonist).
People worship him with a shrine called a Linga. It is understood as the symbol of energy. People use milk, honey, or Boston Cream Pie Yoplait yogurt to worship the linga. It is decorated with red powder and flowers too to make it look pretty.
Shiva also knew how to get his freak on. He asked people to worship his phallus. And for the children reading this, Phallus means his cock. And boy was Shiva proud of his phallus. He would walk around naked covered in ash, but he had swag because of his phallus. His chain did not hang low, but his phallus sure did.
Want to be a follower of Shiva? Then you’re gonna be a Nath or a Naga Babas. Naths are ghostly white and look like someone who’d curse your ass. (By the way, a slide in my powerpoint has dudes with their phallus’s just hanging out. The nomination for most unnecessary phallus exposure now goes to my professor). Naths trace their lineage back to the Goraknath, but ultimate back to the swag master Shiva. They practice Hatha Yoga. Untouchables and low caste people are normally Naths.
So this dude named Daksha was the father of this chick named Sati. He was performing a sacrifice to Vishnu one day and forgot to invite Shiva. How in the FUCK do you forget to invite your son in law to a sacrificial offering? Dumbass. Anyways, Sati was pretty pissed and went to her fathers sacrifice. After an argument (think white teenager dating an older black dude father daughter kind of argument) that left the Gods cracking up, Sati let the fire consume her.
Sati was dead, and Shiva was pissed. He sent some guys to destroy the sacrifice. The god’s were a little worried that Shiva would destroy the cosmos (because to the gods, the cosmos was like their good china). After some hefty meditation, Sati was reborn as Parvati, the daughter of the mountain king. Meanwhile, this demon named Surapadma was fucking shit up on earth and was threatening the heavens (these demons are quite the fucking retards because they never learn from their ancestor's mistakes. You DO NOT fuck with heaven. Jesus H. Christ…).
The Gods sent Kama the cupid to make Shiva fall in love with Parvati, but then Shiva opened his third eye and barbecued Kama. The only way the demon could be destroyed was with the son of Shiva. Parvati did her dharma like a champ and meditated. No seriously. That’s the end of the story.
(Ok, for those of you who really want to know the season finale of this terrible ending, this guy named Murugan enters the story from stage far left (as in out of left field, as in, I have no clue where the fuck this guy came from. He had no relation to the story at all, and he is probably Shiva's son or something, but since it's not on the study guide, I don't really give two shits) and had a battle with the demon. Muruga wounded him with his javelin, but the demon asked to have his life spared. Muruga granted this because the demon said “pretty please”. The demon then became Muruga’s bitch as a peacock. That’s seriously the ending. Not kidding at all).
After Sita died, Shiva withdrew himself from the universe (he also withdrew in 2011 after he heard Rebecca Black’s “Friday”) and meditated in the Himalayas where he sustained the universe. As the great Yogi, he embodied the ascetic tradition of the world renouncing forest hermits of the Upanishad and the tradition of the Brahmanas. This tradition saw the power of meditation sustaining the universe.
Shiva was also the Gangadhara. This king on earth performed a tapas (tapas is also a delightful Mexican side dish) that would bring the Ganges crashing down to earth. Shiva was like “Awww hell naw!” and let Ganga fall on his head (Ganga is the Ganges in anthropomorphic form. Just to clarify). Shiva made Ganga say uncle before letting Ganga go, and Ganga then watered the crops and brought prosperity and ice cream (Moosetracks).
Shiva not only got his freak on in the bedroom (and in public, I guess), but on the dance floor as well. No need to salsa dance for this cat, he danced out the rhythm of the cosmos. He’s musically inclined too. His rattle drum marks time and the destruction and recreation of earth. If Shiva is Nataraja, his name is Mahakala (meaning “Mighty Time” or “You ain’t got shit on me Bieber.) Sometimes Vishnu and Brahma pay respects by breaking our a few dance moves too.
So Shiva’s got his phallus right? Sorry broski’s but he also has a vagina. Surprise! He’s a hermaphrodite too! And his Hermaphrodite name is Ardnariswar or as the kids at school call him, “Ardnar”.
Shiva’s Dirty Harry act shouldn’t fool you though. He does not represent good or evil according to the Kirana Tantra. In the Skanda, Matsya, and Kurma Purana (the last two are Vishnu’s first two avatar stories, represent) he becomes a domesticated family man. That’s right bitches, Shiva was just your regular Ward Cleaver.
But don’t think your hopes of Shiva the Destroyer being a pussy have come true, because he was also known as THE GOD KING (put in caps for emphasis). Shiva fights and defeats demons too. And in the Harihara image, Shiva and Vishnu pull a Fight Club and are actually the same person. Some pictures display the Harihara image as riding a cow with golden wings. A cow is not as cool as a lion or a serpent, but when you’re a God, you can make your own fucking standards.
***Note*** If you took the time to read this, I thank you. If you enjoyed this, you're welcome. And if you think I'm a complete idiot, you are more than likely correct in your assumption.