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September 24, 2008


In their latest effort to stonewall the Alaska state legislature's Troopergate investigation of Sarah Palin, husband Todd Palin has chosen to ignore a subpoena and is refusing to testify in front of the legislative committee.

It would seem that if Sarah Palin has done nothing wrong, her husband's testimony could only help to put this matter to a close. His refusal indicates that he must be afraid of what he might be forced to reveal when questioned under oath.

Which begs the question: What is Todd Palin trying to hide?

We have some ideas...

1. Todd Palin grows weed in his basement.

This guy is way more easy-going than any spouse of Sarah Palin has a right to be. He's up there in the icy wilderness, married to a vindictive extremist who is so unscrupulous she'll even exploit her own special needs child for political gain. And yet every time you see Todd Palin, he seems to not have a care in the world. He's got a nice, happy smile poking through his thin beard of "I'll get around to shaving eventually" stubble, and he's basically just going with the flow. This guy parties, and he's got some plants under a hot lamp in his basement rec room. While the investigation would never touch on drug use, he clearly smokes enough to be paranoid of any line of official questioning.

Our proof: People in Alaska call him the "First Dude." And as we all know, the Dude abides.

2. Todd Palin once killed a man with his bare hands and ate him

Todd is a champion snowmobile racer, having won the Tesoro Iron Dog snowmobile race four times. That race covers almost 2000 miles of terrain. 2000 miles of icy Alaskan wilderness, where the only goal is to stay alive at all costs. Considering how many times Todd has participated in this race, there is no way he could be alive today without having killed and eaten another man at least once (if not every time he's ever raced). Murder is legal in Alaska as long as you can prove you ate the meat of your victim and/or used his pelt as a blanket. Still, Todd is a decent man and there is probably not a single night that he doesn't wake up screaming after another terror dream about the blood he spilt out there on the Tundra. When put on the stand, he might be glad to finally set his conscience free. Team Palin doesn't want that kind of information finding its way onto Daily Kos.

Our proof: Has he denied it yet?

3. Todd and Sarah Palin tried to get Trooper Wooten fired

Everyone already assumes this to be true but it's the least of what he's trying to conceal, so let's move on.

Our proof: We said, LET'S MOVE ON!

4. The Alaska Independence Party (AIP) is a just a fancy way of saying "Al Qaeda"

The AIP wants Alaska to secede from the United States . Their slogan is "Alaska First, Alaska Always," because "I wouldn't fuck America with your dick!" didn't fit on a tee shirt. Todd Palin was a member from 1995 until 2002, a fact that is of no interest to voters because Michelle Obama once accidentally suggested she might not have always been proud of her country.

Coincidentally, there's another political party that wants nothing to do with America. It's called Al Qaeda and we think Todd Palin negotiated with Osama Bin Laden to get Alaskans access to Qaeda military training camps in Afghanistan.

Our Proof: How else would Alaskans have been allowed to train in Qaeda camps if someone hadn't gotten Bin Laden's permission? And who better to negotiate than Mrs. Governor himself, Todd Palin?

5. Todd will beg the state legislature for sanctuary and ask that they hide him someplace where the McCain-Palin campaign can't find him

The campaign knows that the minute Todd sees an opening, he's gone, so they aren't letting him out of their sight. First Dude wants nothing to do with mainland politics. Anyone who'll ride a snowmobile through the wilderness for thousands of miles at a time has no interest in the national spotlight. They won't let him testify in front of a private committee for the simple fact that they know they'll never see him again.

Our Proof: Go check behind the Rita Hayworth poster hanging in Todd's room. See for yourself. He's digging out!

Read more at 236.com

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