My name is Jordan Mendoza. You may know me from my 11-year term as president of Magic for Muggles, the Connecticut chapter of the Harry Potter Fan Alliance. You may also know me my acclaimed fan fiction on HarryAndHermioneForever.net/forums. But unlike what some people may think or post online, I “have a life” outside of Harry Potter, and in fact am excited to announce the completion of the first novel in an fantasy series of my own imagining.
While this book is an original work of fiction, keen observers may notice some allegories that allude to the Harry Potter universe. So look out for those easter eggs, and without further ado, here’s an excerpt from a my first novel, The Underwater World of Harold Peters.
Harold’s summer at the Dunesby residence wasn’t fun. The orphan’s wicked aunt, uncle, and morbidly obese cousin were incredibly frightened by Harold when earlier that summer they learned he was a magical mermaid—and so out of fear they ignored him.
So Harold mainly kept to himself, bored and dreaming of the day he’d eventually go to Bogwarts School of Mermaid Magic.
On the last day in August, Harold went down to the living room to ask his uncle for a ride to the the Connecticut Port Authority.
“Umm, Uncle Victor?” Harold said. “I need a ride to the Connecticut Port Authority tomorrow to go to Bogwarts.”
Uncle Victor grunted out of frustration and probably because that’s how he breathes because of his weight issues. “Where is this Bogwarts anyway?” he snarled.
“I don’t know,” said Harold, realizing this for the first time. He pulled out the ticket he had received earlier that summer.
“It says I just take the ship from Seaport Nine and Three-Quarters at eleven o'clock,” Harold read.
“Nine and Three-Quarters? What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked ignorantly.
They soon would find out. The next morning, they hit the road and arrived at the Connecticut Port Authority at ten o’clock.
Uncle Victor snorted. “Well, there you are, boy. Seaport Nine… Seaport Ten. Your Seaport should be somewhere in the middle, but they don’t seem to have built it yet, do they?“
He laughed like an idiot. Harold felt himself turn red and shot back “You’re just jealous because you’re not a magical mermaid who gets to live underwater at Bogwarts. I hate you. You did a terrible job of taking care of me for the past 11 years. I hate most moments from that experience.”
Right then and there, Uncle Victor collapsed and died of a heart attack. It was then that Harold learned the power of words.
Anyway, as the EMTs removed Uncle Victor’s hideous body from public view, Harold looked between Seaport Nine and Seaport Ten confused about what to do next.
But at that moment, Harold spotted an unusual bunch—a mother who was talking to four boys, all with flaming red hair. There was also small girl named Jenny—a plain, emotionless stone Harold couldn’t possibly ever be attracted to.
Anyway, all of a sudden, the oldest boy of the bunch drove his cart off the boardwalk and directly into the water! The boy did not surface. And one after one, Harold saw these orangutan-colored people disappear beneath the blue ocean veneer. Then the woman caught Harold watching.
"Hello, dear,” she said. “First time at Bogwarts? Rupert’s new, too.” She pointed at the last and youngest of her sons. Rupert resembled a hideous, freckled toad, and like his sister, could not possibly ever be a serious love interest. In fact, Harold got really weird vibes from him right away.
Harold knew right away that as a friend Rupert would be a leech with little-to-no redeeming qualities, and if he ever tried acting he would fail miserably.
The woman kept talking: “To get to the seaport, all you have to do is walk straight off the boardwalk between Seaports Nine and Ten. Don’t stop and don’t be scared that you’ll drown. Because if you’re a real magical mermaid, you can breathe underwater. If not, you’ll drown.”
Harold gulped as they all pushed their carts off the seaport. He felt the cool seawater take him in, and he immediately realized he could breathe underwater!
Harold turned to give the woman a thumbs up for giving him good instructions, but she was busy shaking Rupert’s cold, lifeless body. Rupert had drowned because he was not a true magical mermaid. His body sank to the bottom of the ocean.
Anyways, a submarine emblazoned with the name Bogwarts Express appeared before Harold. The first few cabins in the submarine were already packed with students. Then Harold found a cabin with just one person seated there, looking out the submarine porthole.
“Excuse me, is this occupied?” Harold asked.
The girl turned around, and Harold’s jaw dropped. Even though she wore librarian clothes and had really untamed bushy hair, this nerdy girl was clearly very attractive underneath it all.
“No, not occupied at all,” she replied with a British accent. “I’m Emma Watson by the way.”
“H-Harold P-p-p-peters”, Harold replied nervously. The energy he felt between them made him blush and feel sexually aroused.
“No way, I’ve read all about you!” she exclaimed adorably. “I love books. Your life sort of reminds me of my favorite book series: Harry Potter.”
“Harry Potter? What’s that?” Harold asked.
Emma Watson rummaged through her luggage and brandished a tome called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. “Why don’t you read some of it?”
“Okay,” Harold said. And Harold began:
— J.K. Rowling
CHAPTER ONE: THE BOY WHO LIVED
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense.
[Note: Chapter One from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone is excerpted in its entirety in my novel, but for sake of space, I have attenuated it here. I highly recommend reading either that or purchasing my novel if it piques your interest.]
“Wow, this is really good”, Harold exclaimed. “Keep going!” Emma said cutely. And so Harold and Emma Watson finished the first Harry Potter book on the long submarine ride, and fell asleep cuddling.
When the submarine came to a halt and jolted them awake, Harold looked outside the porthole and saw a narrow, seaweed-laden path that led vast sandcastle.
“Come along, let’s go!” said a familiar burly voice. It was Whalegrid from earlier that summer! Whalegrid, a half-man, half-whale, led all the first year students to the sandcastle doors where they entered into a Great Hall.
It was filled with chatter, really great energy, and delicious seafood. And at the end of the hall was a table with all the professors. There was one with black oily hair who seemed evil but who was maybe a good guy all along. There was another with dwarfism who was always seated next to Whalegrid for comical effect.
And then at the center was an older, bearded wizard. Emma Watson leaned in to Harold, “That’s Professor Dimblewatt. He’s the openly gay headmaster, and everyone is cool with that.”