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August 31, 2015
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Most Alaskans support restoring the name to Denali. But how will it affect the local grizzly bear population?

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There are 30,000 grizzly bears in the Alaskan wilderness. What do they think of restoring the name to Denali?

President Obama issued an executive order to restore the name of Alaska’s Mount McKinley to its original name of Denali. While this is a victory for local heritage, we fear that Obama did not take into account the unintended consequences the name change poses for the Alaskan grizzly bear population.


  • They’ll have to explain to their fave restaurants that they’re still in the delivery zone.
  • Denali means “the high one,” which used to be Rory the Grizzly Bear’s thing.
  • The Google image search “bear Denali” will no longer yield only cool photos of grizzlies cruising in dope GMC Yukon SUVs.
  • Seems like the type of name change that would make the bear-hunting types out there even angrier.
  • Denali sounds sleek and exotic, which could cause some bears to think they’re hot shit now and cheat on their wives.
  • An artist bear was right in the middle of making a Mount Rushmore–sized mountainside sculpture of President William McKinley’s face on the southern face of the mountain.
  • Bears haven’t made the switch over to GPS on their phones as completely as humans have, so for the bears using older maps that haven’t been updated yet things could get confusing.
  • They will have to patiently correct hikers who scream, “Help! I’m being mauled to death by a bear on Mount McKinley!”
  • Their racist polar bear cousins will skeptically ask if they live somewhere foreign now.
  • All the TV watching bears that always thought it was cool how McKinley is the name of the high school in Glee, Freaks And Geeks, and The Wonder Years will lose something special they all used to relate on.
  • Some will start wearing bumper stickers on their asses that say, “Call It Denali? I’d Rather McKill Myself.”
  • They’ll have to fix the address on all the Bear Mitzvah invitations they were about to send out.
  • New business cards.
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