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August 29, 2008
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Stephen King books:
Sure, King comes up with some really great and fucked up things, but he's too long-winded. It takes him 3 pages to tell you someone's picking up their keys from the table. That's why I always wait for the movies.

Passion of the Christ:
If you've come across someone who loves this movie, don't say anything negative about it. When the DVD first came out, I told someone, "Geez, for the amount of money this movie made, you would've thought they put in some special features." The guy stared hard at me, fists clenched, lips pursed, breathing hard, and growled "It's the PASSION! It doesn't need any!" I've never been so scared in my life.
That said, the movie was horrible! I'm a Catholic, and I believe in God, but I don't believe in Mel Gibson. "Passion" was really nothing much but an example of what would happen if the guys who made Saw were given hundreds of millions of dollars and they had a Jesus fetish. Not something I would use to spread the message of Jesus' love and teachings.

The Lord of the Rings:
If you've seen Clerks 2, you would understand. It was 3 movies and 12 hours of walking. And the Return of the King took forever to finish. The last 45 minutes I kept getting up from my seat, only to sit back down because it didn't really END! The last 15 minutes, I was crouching over my seat, like I was an Olympic sprinter, I honestly thought it wouldn't end. Like it was some sick Moebius strip of a movie. 

Star Wars:
The movies are basically a drug experiment by George Lucas. Thats why the first one and and the next two don't really connect. Then he went clean, sobered up and that's why the next three after that sucked. Think of that when you see Episode IV and watch the scene where Princess Leia makes out with Luke Skywalker (they're freakin' brother and sister, man. TWINS!)

Sarah Palin (John McCain's VP pick):
If there really was an example of transparency and shallowness in this year's presidential race, this would be it. I talked to a woman at work today, and she was undecided about Obama or McCain until this morning when McCain chose Palin. She threw her support behind Obama. Why? Because McCain wants votes. I wonder if more women are that wise to his ploys? And really, why are they saying it's historic? IT'S BEEN DONE! Look up Geraldine Ferraro.

McCain-iacs:
Take the "Passion of the Christ" fans, and imagine them more martyr-ish. "Geez, McCain is so great, but he won't tell you that". Of course he wouldn't. 'Cause he sucks. How else can he turn a rally in Germany with hundreds of foreigners waving American flags, and turn it into "He's the next Paris Hilton"! The guy talks like he's John Kerry, and has the incompetance of George Bush.

Christian Conservatives:
So, they prayed to God for rain during Obama's acceptance speech. No rain, just a beauiful, clear night for an amazing speeh.
However, Hurricane Gustav threatens to touch down in New Orleans on the same day Republicans hold their own convention. If there was a sign from God who to vote for in this election, would this be it?

Democrats:
2004, Bush won. Seriously, how the fuck did that happen? They could've given Kucinich the nomination and he could've won just for the sheer hilarity and the "hot wife" factor. (Side Note: Dennis Kucinich really does have a hot wife!)

American Idol:
Who cares?! The only "Idol" songs I've heard are the ones with Chris Daughtry, and I couldn't tell the difference between him or any other Pearl Jam-wannabes. The whole point of the show must be how they can find the most unspectacular and bland singer in America. I'm still a little sad that Sanjaya lost. Sure, he wasn't that great a singer, but at least he threatened the existance of the show.

Dane Cook:
Funny for about 15 minutes. Then, he turns into an epileptic Tourette's case. You want something really funny, look up Daniel Tosh.

Women's Gymnastics:
Makes me uneasy to watch. These girls are 15-16 (in China's case, maybe 13), and wearing skintight outfits and doing splits. I had a feeling the police would come in and wonder what I was up to.

Scooby Doo:
GROW A FUCKING BACKBONE! HOW MANY GOD DAMN TIMES IS THAT MUMMY/GHOST/ROBOT/PIRATE/WEREWOLF/SWAMP THING/BIGFOOT/HOMICIDAL CLOWN THAT GOD DAMN OLD MAN WITHERS FROM THE AMUSMENT PARK?!

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