Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 09, 2008


WEED WARS Episode IV: A New Dope
Parts 25-36

Weed Wars IV: Part 25

    The Drunk Star was just coming within range of a planet. Inside stood Tankin, staring out into space on the big viewing screen, as the planet came into view.
    "We've entered the AlderBong system sir." said the commander.
    Raider was walking down a hallway towards the control room where Tankin stood. In front of him was princess Higha, being herded by a guard on either side. They walked into the control room where Raider and the princess approached Tankin.
    "Tankin!" she exclaimed. "I should have known that you'd be the fuck up in charge here. I smelled your rancid liquor breath when I was brought on board.
    "With a great attitude like that, it made it so fucking hard to sign your death warrant." said Tankin.
    "I can't believe your balls were even big enough to allow you to take the fucking blame yourself." the princess snapped back.
    "Princess Higha Organic." said Tankin. "Before your execution, I'd like you to take part in the official launch ceremony that will inaugurate this station as the ultimate power in the universe. No system will fuck with the Hempfire, now."
    "The more you try to fuck with people's personal choices," the princess said to him. "the more they'll try to fuck you back. You're going to piss off more people than you'll scare."
    "Not after the FULL power of this battle station is demonstrated!" said Tankin angrily. "In fact, it was your fucking actions that chose the target planet. Because you continually fuck with me and won't tell me where the rebel Highliance's base is, it will be your home planet of AlderBong that gets fucking destroyed."
    "No! You can't!" cried the princess. "AlderBong is weaponless. We're a peaceful race who just like to sit back, smoke a bong, and eat some fucking Twinkies. Why would you want to fuck with that, you fuck scum?"
    "There's no place for bongs, or vaporizers, or fucking hot knives in our galaxy!" Tankin snapped back. "Why can't you all just fall in line and go to the fucking bar, damn it!"
    "You're a fucking animal!" cried the princess. "How can you just fucking destroy all those innocent lives?"
    "Do you have a better target?" asked Tankin. "Like, say, a rebel military base, for fucking instance? I'm getting really bored with this shit, so this is the last time I'm going to ask you." Tankin's voice became even meaner sounding, if that was possible. "Where is the fucking base?"
    The princess looked down at the cold, steel floor. Then she looked at her home planet in the viewing screen. She looked up at Tankin with a defeated look on her face.
    "DirtyWeed!" the princess finally blurted out. "The base is on fucking DirtyWeed."
    "See?" said Tankin to Raider. "I told you she's not a fucking moron. She can be reasonable sometimes." Tankin turned to the weapons station." Take aim at the planet, and fire whenever you're ready."
    "What the fuck are you doing you fucking slimy, shit-ball, fuck-slug!" screamed Higha.
    "I can't believe you fucking trusted me!" exclaimed Tankin. "DirtyWeed's too remote and nobody gives a fuck about it. It's a shitty place for a demonstration. We'll take care of you're fucking rebel buddies soon enough, but when AlderBong disappears, people will perk the fuck up and take notice."
    She tried to lunge at Tankin but Raider was still standing behind her and grabbed her. All she could do was stand and watch as her planet's fate was decided by a bunch of fucking lunatics. The man at the panel flipped some switches and hit some buttons. Suddenly, an enormous laser beam shot out from the station and struck AlderBong. The whole planet was destroyed in a tremendous fucking explosion, reduced to nothing but chunks of rock and charred matter. AlderBong and everyone on it, was gone.

Weed Wars IV: Part 26

    Oily-One was standing in the Milheadian Friedman, watching Fluke try to deflect laser blasts with his bright sabre. The little training bot floated in front of Fluke, randomly shooting low intensity lasers at him. As Oily-One watched, a strong wave of despair shot through him and he had to sit down.
    "Hey, are you alright?" Fluke asked him, as he shut off his sabre. "You kind of look like shit all of a sudden."
    "I've felt a huge-ass disturbance in the Buzz." said Oily-One. "It's like billions of people screamed out, shit their pants, and were suddenly silenced. Something severely fucked up just happened. You should keep training, Fluke."
    "Well, I told you I'd outrun those Hempfirial pussies." Hash said, walking into the room, as Fluke turned on his bright sabre and prepared to deflect more blasts.
    Over in the corner, the robots were sitting with CheWeeda around a holographic chess set. The pieces were little digital creatures that attacked and destroyed each other when they landed on the same spot. ArDoob made a move that took out one of CheWeeda's pieces and that made him start to roar and growl.
    "Listen!" said C3P Grow. "He made a totally fair move and blowing a fucking hairy canary about it won't fucking help."
    "Yeah, but CheWeeda's a Weedy, and it's not very smart to piss off a Weedy." said Hash. "They're known to break things when they lose, sometimes arms and legs even."
    "ArDoob?" inquired C3P Grow. "Do you think you can do yourself a fucking favour, and maybe try losing?"
    Several feet away, Fluke had begun his bright sabre training again. He was getting quite good at stopping the laser blasts with his sabre, even if he still looked slightly clumsy.
    "Remember Fluke, a Red-eye can feel the Buzz flowing through his entire soul." said Oily-One.
    "What do you mean?" asked Fluke. "Like it controls what you fucking do?"
    "A little," said Oily-One. "but it will also do what you want it to."
    Fluke deflected a blast but the next one caught him right in his hairy, nut sack. He crumpled to the floor momentarily, while the effects of the blast wore off. Hash burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing he'd seen in ages, which it probably was.
    "Funky religions and laser swords are no match for a powerful laser blaster in you holster." said Hash as he tried to stop laughing.
    "You don't believe in the Buzz, do you Hash?" Fluke asked him as he extinguished his sabre.
    "Don't get me wrong." Hash told him. "I've seen some of the strangest shit you can imagine, but I've never seen anything to prove the existence of some all-powerful, all-controlling force in the universe."
    A smile crept across Oily-One's lips. He grabbed a helmet with a blacked out face shield, that made it impossible to see out of.
    "Try it again, Fluke." Oily-One said. "But put on the helmet."
    "But, I won't be able to see jack shit." said Fluke.
    "Your eyes can fuck with you, don't trust them" instructed Oily-One. "Let go of your conscious thoughts and use your instincts."
    Fluke lit up his sabre and the training bot sprung to life, flying about and picking a spot to strike. It fired a shot that hit Fluke's hand and he jumped.
    "Use your feelings to reach out and feel the threat's location." Oily-One said to Fluke.
    Fluke raised his weapon again and the trainer flew into action once more. It was moving this way and that. Then it suddenly let out three bursts of laser fire. Zap, zap, zap. Fluke had stopped all three with his sabre.
    "Holy fuck!" Fluke exclaimed, as he pulled off the helmet.
    "You see?" inquired Oily-One.
    "Just fuckin' lucky." said Hash.
    "In my experience," said Oily-One. "There's no such fucking thing as luck."
    A noise came over the intercom, an alarm of some sort.
    "We're almost at AlderBong." Hash announced. "I'll go get ready to leave hyper space."
    Hash and CheWeeda got up to go to the cockpit. Fluke came over to Oily-One, still sporting the amazed look on his face.
    "I could almost see the trainer." said Fluke. "It was kind of fucking creepy, but really fucking awesome at the same time. When the little fucker fired, I knew just what to fucking do."
    "That's fucking awesome." said Oily-One. "Your personal universe just expanded by a shitload and a half."
    On the Drunk Star, Tankin sat in his office with Raider nearby. An officer came in.
    "Our scouts have just returned from DirtyWeed, they said it looks like it's been abandoned for quite some time, sir. We're now checking out all the nearby systems"
    "That slimy, cunt lied to me!" Tankin screamed.
    "I told you that she'd never fucking betray the rebellion, consciously." Raider said in his best I-told-you-so voice.
    Tankin stood up and looked at Raider.
    "Kill the fucking bitch, immediately!"

Weed Wars IV: Part 27

    The Milheadian Friedman had just dropped out of hyper space, when they were being hit and bounced around like a toy.
    "Holy fuck!" exclaimed Hash. "We're in a meteor shower or asteroid belt or something. It's not on our charts."
    "What the fuck is going on?!" cried Fluke, as he and Oily-One came up from the back.
    "We came out of hyper space in the right spot." said Hash. "But there's no AlderBong, just these asteroids."
    "Where the fuck is it?" said Fluke.
    "I'm trying to fucking tell you." Hash said. "It ain't fuckin' there. It's been completely blown to fuck."
    "What do you mean?!" exclaimed Fluke. "How?!"
    "I mean!" exclaimed Hash right back. "That the planet of AlderBong has been blown to fucking pieces, but I don't have a clue by what!"
    "It's been destroyed by the Hempfire." said Oily-One.
    "The entire fucking space fleet couldn't destroy a fucking planet." said Hash. "It would take more firepower than I can..."
    Hash was cut off mid-sentence by a flashing light and an alarm.
    "There's another ship out here." said Hash.
    "It's a Hempfirial fighter ship." said Oily-One just before it came into view.
    "Did it fucking follow us?" inquired Fluke.
    "It couldn't have." Oily-One said. "It's only a short range ship."
    "Where did it come from if there's no base around here?" asked Hash.
    "Who gives a fuck?" asked Fluke. "If they identify us, we're fuckin' toast."
    "It's too far out of range." said Oily-One.
    "Not for very fucking long." said Hash, as he pushed on the throttle to make the Friedman lurch forward."
    "That ship's too small to get this deep into space alone." said Oily-One.
    "Well." Hash said. "He ain't gonna be around long enough to say shit about us."
    "He's heading for the little moon over there." said Fluke.
    "He's almost in fucking range." said Hash. "I'll have him in a sec..."
    "That's no fucking moon." Oily-One said very tensely. "That's a mother-fucking space station."
    "No, you're fuckin' with me old man." Hash said. "That fucking thing is way too big to be a mother-fucking space station."
    As they got closer, they all got more nervous.
    "Turn the fucking ship around." Oily-One suggested.
    "I think that's a great fucking plan." Hash said, as he tried to turn around. "CheWeeda! Give me full fucking power!"
    "Why the fuck are we still going towards that fucking thing?!" cried out Fluke.
    "We're caught in a tractor beam. Power down." said Hash. "But don't worry, I ain't going down without a fucking fight."
    "We're fucked for now." said Oily-One. "But there are other ways, besides fighting."
    The Milheadian Friedman floated toward the Drunk Star. The beam pulled it right into the docking bay and set it down.
    "We've captured a freighter." the intercom announced to Tankin and Raider. "It looks like the one that blasted it's way out of Buds Highly."
    "Maybe." Raider said. "The stupid fucks have come to return the stolen plans to the princess. She could be of some use to us, after all."

Weed Wars IV: Part 28

    Drunk Raider was walking onto the flight deck where the Milheadian Friedman was deposited. He walked over to the ship's entrance, just as an officer was coming out.
    "There appears to be nobody on board, sir. I've got some Slur-troopers double checking right now." said the officer to Raider. "The ship's log says that they ditched the ship right after takeoff. Maybe it was sent out as a decoy. Several escape pods were launched."
    "Were there any robots of any sort on board?" asked Raider.
    "No, sir." said the officer. "If there was, they must have used an escape pod."
    "Send a crew in with scanners. I want every piece of this ship searched and double checked." boomed Raider. "I feel a presence that I haven't felt in fucking ages."
    "Yes, lord Raider." said the officer as Raider turned to leave. "Get me a search and scan party, I want the entire ship checked out."
    Inside the ship, several Slur-troopers were searching for anything unusual or anybody hiding on board. After searching the ship, the troopers met at the ship's entrance.
    "There's nobody on board." said one of the troopers as they left the ship.
    As soon as the troopers were gone, the floor in the Friedman started to rise up. It was a secret compartment in the floor of the ship. Hash and Fluke poked their heads out to look around. It looked clear, and the others started to emerge from their compartments.
    "It's sure lucky for us, that you had these hiding spots." Fluke said to Hash.
    "They're actually for smuggling, but I never believed I'd be using them to hide from the fucking Hempfire." said Hash. "This fucking sucks! Even if I could launch the ship, we'd never get past the tractor beam."
    "I'll take care of the tractor beam." said Oily-One.
    Outside the ship, there were some workers bringing in a box. They opened it and started to check out the scanning devices.
    "Everything is clear, the ship's all yours." said a Slur-trooper to one of the scanning crew. "If anything shows up on one of those fucking scanners, report it on the double."
    The workers brought the box of scanners up the ramp and into the ship. There was a loud thump and then silence.
    "Hey, guys." a voice came from inside the ship. "We could use some help here, do you mind?"
    The two troops who were guarding the ship's entrance, walked up the ramp to help out. Once inside, there were several laser blasts, and then silence once more.

Weed Wars IV: Part 29

    "Trooper 4-2-0." the officer called on the radio. "Trooper 4-2-0, do you read me? Why aren't you at your fucking post 4-2-0?"
    The officer went to look out the window to the docking bay. A Slur-trooper came walking down the ramp of the Milheadian Friedman. He shook his head and tapped the side of his helmet.
    "Take over." said the officer. "It looks like the fucking transmitter in trooper 4-2-0's helmet is fucked, I'll see if I can do anything."
    The officer opened the doorway to leave but was greeted by a huge, hairy, beast that knocked him across the room. Then the Slur-trooper next to the creature, shot the other officer before he could get his weapon raised. Behind them was Oily-One and a couple of robots, with another trooper running up behind them. Once the second trooper was inside, he closed and locked the security door. The troopers removed their helmets to reveal Fluke and Hash.
    "With CheWeeda's roaring and you shooting off lasers, It's a fucking miracle that everybody in this station doesn't know we're here." said Fluke.
    "I'd rather have a shootout than all this fuckin' sneaking around bullshit." replied Hash.
    ArDoob found a computer outlet and plugged into it. He started to decipher the computer network on the Drunk Star. ArDoob started making noises and C3P Grow translated.
    "He says he found the main power console for the beam. It'll be coming up on the screen momentarily." said Grow. "A loss of power at this point will completely fuck the tractor beam and allow us to leave."
    A map came up on the screen, showing the location of the power console.
    "I'll take care of this one, myself" said Oily-One. "I'll go alone."
    "But I want to come." said Fluke.
    "Fluke, you must watch over the robots." Oily-One said. "If they don't get delivered to the Highliance safely, AlderBong won't be the only system that gets blown to fuck. Your destiny follows another path than mine does." As he opened the door he said, "The Buzz will fucking be there. It will be with you, always."
    Fluke closed the door as Oily-One ran off. CheWeeda started to grunt and growl.
    "Yeah, no shit buddy." Hash said to his co-pilot as he turned to Fluke. "What fucking loony bin did you get that old fuck out of?"
    "Wren is a fucking awesome dude, man." Fluke replied.
    "Yeah, he's awesome at getting us into these fucked up situations." said Hash.
    "Hey, at least he had a fucking plan." Fluke said back to him.
    "Sure, he runs off and we're left waiting here with our thumbs up our asses. Anything's better than that!" Hash snapped back.
    ArDoob started to freak out and get really noisy.
    "What's his fucking damage?" asked Fluke.
    "He keeps saying 'I've found the princess, she's here, she's here' I don't really understand." C3P Grow told Fluke.
    "The fucking princess is here?!" exclaimed Fluke. "Where the fuck is she?!"
    "Princess?" said Hash. "What fucking princess? What the fuck are you talking about?"
    "ArDoob says she's in detention block 4, cell number 20." said Grow. "And she's scheduled to fucking die."
    "4-20, got it." said Fluke. "We've got to save her."
    "What the fuck are you talking about?" asked Hash. "We're supposed to wait here, remember?"
    "But she's the gorgeous babe from the message." Fluke cried out. "Oily-One didn't know she was here. She's way fucking important to the rebellion." He turned to Grow. "Can he find a way in to the cell?"
    "I'm not going any fucking where!" Hash exclaimed.
    "They're going to fucking kill her!" Fluke exclaimed. "Didn't you just say you didn't want to sit around with your thumb up your ass?"
    "Trotting on into a high security detention area is probably even more fucking stupid." Hash snapped back.
    "She's fucking hot." said Fluke. "And she's a princess. She's way fucking rich. Maybe she'll give you a hummer, or if not, I know she'll pay you shitloads of money for saving her."
    "How hot and how rich?" asked Hash.
    "Extremely fucking hot, and very fucking rich." Fluke replied back to him.
    "Hmmm, a royal hummer, or lots of cash, or maybe fucking both." said Hash. "Sounds pretty win, win if we live. Alright, I'm in, but if she's fucking poor, ugly or don't put out, I'm going to fucking smack you, you shit."
    "Trust me." said Fluke. "It'll be worth your while one way or the other."
    "What's the plan?" asked Hash.
    Fluke grabbed some handcuffs and started to approach CheWeeda.
    "First, let's get these on you." Fluke said
    CheWeeda started to roar and growl. He didn't like the idea of being a prisoner.
    "Here, Hash, you put them on." said Fluke.
    "It's OK, buddy." said Hash as he grabbed the handcuffs. "I'm pretty sure I know where this plan is headed."
    "Sir?" inquired C3P Grow. "What do we do if we're found?"
    "Lock the fucking door and start fucking praying." said Fluke.
    Grow replied to Fluke. "That's not much of a fucking plan. And it's not reassuring at all."

Weed Wars IV: Part 30

    The huge Weedy was being accompanied on either side by a Slur-trooper. They only came up to his shoulders. CheWeeda was walking in handcuffs and not enjoying it. He was growling, roaring and screaming like a beast. It kept others away from them and made it more convincing as well. They walked down the corridors and hallways past guards and officers but nobody said a word.
    They came to stop at the elevator that would take them to the floor with the detention cells on it. After a moment or two, the door opened and an officer came out. They got in the empty elevator with the Weedy between them. An officer tried to enter the elevator, but thought twice when he saw the huge, smelly, roaring ape in front of him. The door closed and up they went.
    Elsewhere on the Drunk Star, Oily-One was making his way to the tractor beam power console. He scooted across one corridor after another, avoiding detection. He felt something, and hid.
Raider came down a nearby hallway, stopped, and took a look around. He felt the same feeling he had by the Friedman, but still couldn't quite place it. He had other business to attend to so he continued on his way.
    Oily-One came out of hiding and kept moving toward the power console. He had to finish this mission or nobody was ever getting off this station.
    Meanwhile, in the elevator, Fluke and Hash were talking.
    "Can you even see out of these fucking helmets?" asked Fluke. "Who the fuck uses black lenses on a fucking helmet that is worn inside most of the time? Drunken fucking morons!"
    "This is not gonna fuckin' work man." Hash reasoned as he checked CheWeeda's loose restraints to make sure he could get out of them.
    "Why didn't you fucking say so?" asked Fluke.
    "I did." said Hash. "Remember, earlier, I said 'This isn't gonna work' and you just kept fucking talking about saving the hottest piece of ass you ever saw."
    The elevator slowed down, silencing the argument. The door opened to the detention floor, and they stepped right into the lion's den.

Weed Wars IV: Part 31

    "Where are you taking this big, fucking hairy, thing?" asked the head officer at the security console.
    "It's a prisoner transfer." said one of the troopers flanking the huge Weedy.
    "Nobody said shit to me." said the officer. "I'll have to clear it."
    A couple of guards went to take the prisoner. Suddenly the big Weedy's hands were free, and he threw the guard across the room.
    "Holy shit, he's free!" screamed Hash as he fired past CheWeeda at the guards.
    "I'll get him!" Fluke screamed out as he handed a laser blaster to CheWeeda.
    Laser fire erupted everywhere. The three comrades quickly took out all of the guards. They also destroyed every security system and camera. When everything was clear, they made their way to the security console in the middle of the room. They checked the computer map to find the cell where the princess was kept.
    "You go get the princess." Hash said to Fluke. "I'll take care of shit here."
    Fluke ran to the back of the room, where the door to the holding cells was located. He went through the door while Hash tried to shut off the alarms. He turned off the alarms and opened a link to the main security station.
    "Everything's clear down here." Hash said into the microphone. "One of the new guys accidentally shot off his blaster, but we're all fucking good down here, so we don't require assistance."
    "We're sending a squad of Slur-troopers up to check things out." the voice on the radio said.
    "No, uh, negative." Hash fumbled. "We have a radiation leak we need to fix first. Give us a little time."
    "I thought you said everything was fucking OK." the voice said back. "Give me your trooper and ID numbers right fucking now."
    With that little exchange of words, Hash drew his laser blaster and shot the shit out of the console.
    "Fluke!" called out Hash. "We're going to have some fucking company! Hurry the fuck up!"
    Fluke desperately looked through the cell numbers until he found the right one. He opened the door and there, sleeping on her uncomfortable bed, was the princess. She started to open her eyes and get up. Fluke just stared at her through his helmet, completely mesmerized by her beauty. After only a few seconds, he could feel the pants of his outfit getting uncomfortably tight.
    "Aren't you the shortest fucking trooper I've ever seen." the princess said.
    "What? Oh, the suit." said Fluke as he took off the helmet. "I'm Fluke Highwalker. I'm here to spring you from this shit hole."
    "You're, who the fuck?" asked the princess in a confused tone.
    "I'm here to rescue you." said Fluke. "I've got your ArDoob robot and I'm here with Wren Cangrowy."
    "Wren Cangrowy?!" exclaimed Higha. "Where the fuck is he?"
    "Come on, let's get out of here." Fluke said as they started to leave the cell.
    Raider and Tankin were sitting in the conference room. Tankin was sitting at the table while Raider stood across from him.
    "He's here, on this station." Raider said to Tankin.
    "Oily-One Cangrowy?" Tankin replied. "What the fuck makes you think so?"
    "There's a funky disturbance in the Buzz." said Raider. "The last time I felt anything like it was when I was with my old master."
    "Oh, come now," said Tankin, "for sure, he must be fucking dead by now."
    "Don't underestimate the power of the fucking Buzz." Raider boomed.
    "All of the fucking Red-eye are toast." said Tankin. "You and the Hempfirer made sure of that. You two are all that remains of their ancient fucking religion."
    "Sir!" a voice crackled over the intercom. "There was a security breach in cellblock 4."
    "The princess." said Tankin. "That's where she's being kept."
    "Oily-One IS fucking here!" exclaimed Raider. "The fucking Buzz is still with him after all these years."
    "If it is him," Tankin said, "he must not be allowed to leave. He's too much of a threat."
    "He's not planning to escape!" exclaimed Raider. "I have to face the son of a bitch on my own."
    Raider turned and stormed out of the room, ready to face his destiny, and to stop Oily-One's.

Weed Wars IV: Part 32

    CheWeeda and Hash were standing at the security console, weapons at the ready. The entrance was being blasted apart from the other side. It wouldn't be long before they broke through. It was also the only way out as far as they could tell. The blast door finally crumbled and Slur-troopers started to pour in. Hash and his friend tried to take them out as they came in, but there was too many of them. CheWeeda and Hash were forced into the narrow hallway where the cells were. They ran down to where Fluke and Higha were standing.
    "We ain't getting the fuck out that way!" said Hash.
    "Well!" exclaimed the princess. "It looks like you cut off our only fucking way out, brainwave!"
    "Feel free to get back in your fucking cell, your highness!" Hash hollered back.
    "C3P Grow!" Fluke called on his radio. "Grow, are there any other ways to get the fuck out of here?"
    "It looks like all security systems are on alert, looking for you guys." Grow said back. "It looks like the main fucking entrance is the only way out. You could be fucked, sir."
    At that moment, Grow was interrupted by a banging at the door.
    "Open the fuck up!" called a guard from the other side of the door. "Open the damn door!"
    "Ohh, FUCK-PUPPET!" exclaimed C3P Grow.
    "There is no fucking other way out!" Fluke screamed to Hash, over the noise of the blaster fire.
    "Well, we can't just stand here and try to fucking hold them at bay, for-fucking-ever." called out Hash
    "Some fucking rescue this is!" Higha announced. "Didn't you have a fucking plan to get the fuck out, after you broke in here?
    "He's the fucking plan master." Hash said while motioning to Fluke.
    Princess Higha grabbed the laser blaster out of Fluke's hands and pointed it at the wall across from them. Suddenly there was a huge hole in the wall, where the garbage chute cover used to be.
    "What the fuck are you doing!?" Hash asked.
    "I'm getting us the fuck out of this deathtrap fucking hallway!" the princess screamed back at him. "Get into the fucking garbage chute!"
    The princess jumped in first. CheWeeda started to jump in, but stopped suddenly and roared.
    "Get the fuck in there!" Hash screamed. "I don't give a fuck what you fucking smell. Just get in the fucking chute and worry about it later."
    Hash gave CheWeeda a little nudge with his foot to get him to jump in the chute.
    "Wonderful fucking chick!" exclaimed Hash. "I can't decide if I want to kill her or fuck her! Get the fuck in there!"
    Fluke launched himself head first, across the hall and down the garbage chute. Hash fired off a few more rounds, before jumping into the hole himself. At least now they were out of the hallway.

Weed Wars IV: Part 33

    The princess fell into the trash storage space, followed by CheWeeda, Fluke and Hash. The place was full of liquid, trash and all sorts of things they tried to ignore.
    "The fucking garbage chute!" exclaimed Hash. "What an amazingly bright, fucking idea. Let's get the fuck out of here. Move CheWeeda."
    CheWeeda stepped to the side as Hash took aim at the door.
    "No! Stop!" Fluke and Higha both said together.
    The laser bolt shot out of the blaster and bounced all over the room, before extinguishing itself in the knee deep water. They all ducked for cover and were luckily, unharmed.
    "Forget it Hash!" Fluke screamed. "I already fucking tried that, It's magnetically fucking sealed."
    "Put that mother-fucking blaster away," Higha screamed, "before you fry every one of us!"
    "Oh, for sure your fucking majesty." Hash said sarcastically. "Listen, I had shit totally under fucking control before you had the brainstorm to come down here! It won't take them very long to figure the fuck out, where to find us."
    "But, it could still be worse." the princess said as a loud noise boomed through the air.
    "You just had to fucking say it, didn't you." said Hash. "You fucking cursed us and now it's worse."
    "Some-fucking-thing just brushed by me." said Fluke. "There's definitely something fucking alive in here besides us."
    They all started to look around for whatever was in there with them. They frantically looked left and right for some clue as to what or where it was.
    Suddenly, from below Fluke, a tentacle shot up and wrapped around his leg. Before he could do anything, he was dragged under the water and lost from everybody's sight. They tried pushing garbage out of the way and poking into the water, while screaming out his name. A moment later, Fluke broke the water's surface with a big tentacle around his neck. He fought with the creature while Hash and Higha tried to pull him free.
    "Shoot the mother-fucking thing!" Fluke screamed.
    "Where?" asked Hash.
    "Who gives a fuck!" exclaimed Fluke. "Just shoot the fucking thing somewhere."
    Hash fired into the water a couple of times. He wasn't sure if he was hitting anything or not. He must have hit it because it weakened enough for Fluke to stand but wouldn't let go of him. Hash shot again, this time it pulled Fluke under again. The others started to frantically search for him once more. Then, everything went calm. Fluke was under the water long enough to get them worried. They wondered if maybe he was dead.
    Then, another loud noise rumbled through the room. Fluke burst out of the water.
    "Fucking help him!" screamed Higha as Hash helped Fluke up. "What the fuck happened?"
    "I don't have a fucking clue!" Fluke exclaimed. "It just let me go and fucked off somewhere."
    Hash looked around at the others. "I have a really shitty feeling about this." he said.

Weed Wars IV: Part 34

    Fluke, Higha, Hash and CheWeeda stood in the bottom of the trash pit. The water creature was gone and everything grew very silent. Hash's shitty feeling got worse, as they heard the noise of a couple of huge motors starting. Then, slowly, two of the walls started to push in towards each other. Somebody had turned on the compactor.
    "Holy fuck!" screamed Higha. "The walls are closing in, they're going to squish us."
    "Well thank you, master of the fucking obvious!" exclaimed Hash.
    "Well, don't just fucking stand there." Higha said. "Try to brace it with something."
    They all started to look around for long pieces of metal or anything that might help stop the walls from closing in. CheWeeda even tried using his huge muscles to push the wall back, but the walls were too powerful. Hash helped the princess and Fluke hoist up a long metal post and set it between the walls. The walls made loud groaning noises and slowed down a bit, but didn't stop. The walls kept creeping in as the post started to bend.
    "Wait a sec." Fluke said, as he dug in his pocket for his communicator. "C3P Grow!" he screamed into the device. "Grow, where the fuck are you?"
    Meanwhile, in the security station where the robots were hiding, the guards were breaking through the blast door. C3P Grow's communicator sat on a nearby table with Fluke's voice coming out of it. The door finally broke free and the troopers raised it and flooded into the room. The Slur-troopers heard a banging noise from a nearby closet and opened it up. Inside of the small closet, was Grow and ArDoob.
    "Oh, thank you." C3P Grow said to the trooper. "They're fucking animals. They locked us away and went to the detention level. If you're fast enough, you might catch the bastards."
    "Let's go." said the head trooper. He turned to one of the others and said, "You stand guard here."
    As the troops filed out of the room, Grow grabbed the communicator. He motioned to ArDoob and they headed for the door but the troop left to stand guard was blocking the way.
    "Excuse me." C3P Grow said to the guard. "My counterparts circuits are a little fucky after all this excitement. I should probably take him to the maintenance shop."
    "Go ahead." said the guard.
    Back in the trash compactor, the others were still trying to brace the crushing walls with anything they could find. Fluke tried to call C3P Grow again but there was still no answer.
    The robots made their way down to the bay where the ship was. Their comrades weren't there.
    "Something must have fucking happened to them." said Grow. "Use that computer link to see if you can find anything out."
    ArDoob extended his linking unit and plugged into the computer system. He started to look for them as he beeped out a message for Grow.
    "The communicator?" asked Grow. "Holy shit, I forgot to turn it back .. we got out of that mess. I'll give it a try."
    Fluke was desperately pushing on the wall. The brace that they had put up was bending even more, and the walls were coming ever closer. Suddenly there was a noise on Fluke's communicator.
    "Hello, master Fluke?" Grows voice came out of the device.
    "Grow?" Fluke replied as the robot tried to speak to him. "Shut the fuck up and listen. Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level. Do it fucking now!"
    The walls were still closing in. The space inside the compactor was rapidly getting smaller. Fluke repeated his command over and over.
    "Shut down every fucking one." C3P Grow said to ArDoob. "Hurry the fuck up!"
    The walls kept closing in as ArDoob tried to get control of the system. There was only a few more feet to go before the walls completely crushed them. Fluke kept yelling and ArDoob kept working. Suddenly, the walls stopped. Fluke and the others erupted into cheers and screams of joy. C3P Grow, hearing all of the commotion, started yelling at ArDoob.
    "Hurry the fuck up!" Grow howled. "Can't you hear them? They're fucking dying down there. You weren't fast enough."
    "We're OK." Fluke's voice crackled over the communicator. "You fucking did it. Open the hatch on compactor number 1-42-0."

Weed Wars IV: Part 35

    Oily-One quietly made his way through the corridors, getting closer to the tractor beam power console. He rounded a corner and arrived at the entrance to the room that housed the console. It was a large room with a door on either side. There was a huge circular console off to the side, in the middle of the room. Oily-One made his way around to the backside of the console, where the power relays were located.
    Several Slur-troopers marched through the room. Luckily Oily-One was hidden by the console. He began to shut off the switches to the power relays, careful to be quiet. If anybody found out about the power relays before the Milheadian Friedman took off, nobody was going to escape.
    Fluke and the others were just getting themselves together after escaping the garbage compactor.
    "If we can just not listen to any more brilliant female plans, we should be able to get the fuck out of here alive!" Hash said to Fluke.
    "Well, let's get going then." replied Fluke.
    Just then, an alarm went off that startled CheWeeda. He bolted to the other side of the room. Hash pulled out his laser blaster and aimed at the alarm panel.
    "No, stop!" cried out Higha. "They'll fucking hear you."
    Hash fired the weapon, completely frying the alarm panel in a loud explosion. "Quit being such a pussy." Hash said to CheWeeda.
    "Listen, here!" said Higha. "I have no idea who the fuck you are, but from here on out, you do as I fucking say, alright?"
    "You listen here, your fucking highness." Hash started in on her. "I take orders from no-fucking-body but me, you got that?"
    "It's fucking amazing that you haven't gotten yourself killed yet. Could somebody get this huge, hairy, beast out of my fucking way?" the princess said as she pushed past CheWeeda.
    "No reward is worth this fucking bullshit." said Hash to Fluke.
    When the Slur-troopers passed through the power console room that Oily-One was in, two of them were told to stick around and guard it. Oily-One finished shutting off the power while hiding from them. He eased his way around the console until he saw the guards talking. He raised his hand and used the Buzz to create a noise behind the guards. As they turned to check it out, Oily-One snuck out the other door undetected.

Weed Wars IV: Part 36

    Fluke, the princess, CheWeeda and Hash arrived at a little window in a corridor. It looked out into the docking bay where the Milheadian Friedman was sitting, with Slur-troopers all over the place around the ship.
    "There it is." Hash said as he motioned to the ship.
    "That's the piece of shit you came here in?" the princess said. "You're a lot fucking braver than I thought."
    "C3P Grow." said Fluke into his communicator. "Are you there? Come in."
    "Hello?" came back Grow's voice over the speaker.
    "Are you fuckers OK?" asked Fluke.
    "At the moment, we are, but I don't know for how fucking long." said Grow. "We're in the main hanger across from the Friedman."
    "That's perfect, we're right above you." Fluke said back. "Just stand by for now, we'll be down soon."
    They headed for a nearby corridor and headed downstairs to get to the ship. As they rounded a corner, they walked right out in front of a small group of Slur-troopers.
    "Holy shit, it's them!" one of the troopers exclaimed.
    Before they had a chance to fire, Hash raised his gun and fired first. His quick reflexes not only took out a trooper, but it got the others on the run. Without even thinking, Hash chased after them and started firing.
    "Get back to the fucking ship!" Hash called back to them, as he took off after the troopers with CheWeeda close behind.
    "He's sure one brave mother-fucker." said the princess.
    "Might be of some use." said Fluke. "As long as he doesn't get himself killed."
    Hash was running full bore and screaming nasty battle cries as he chased the troopers. The troopers kept running down the hallway until they turned into a big room. As Hash followed them into the room, his screams got more fearful as he stopped to reverse his direction. The room contained an entire Slur-trooper squad.
    CheWeeda was a little bit behind Hash. When he approached the corner he stopped suddenly as he heard a bunch of laser fire. Then he saw his friend Hash running back towards him. He turned and started to run, the two now fleeing together.
    Meanwhile, Fluke and Higha were running from several troopers that had slipped past Hash. They ran down the corridor and went through a door. They were suddenly trapped at the edge of a huge drop-off with troopers on their ass. Higha closed the door as the Slur-troopers started firing. They were now standing on a large ledge with nothing but a door between them and the troopers, and nowhere to go.
    "There's no fucking lock for the door!" Higha screamed.
    "That should do it." Fluke said, as he shot apart the door's control panel.
    "We need to extend the fucking bridge." the princess said.
    "I, uh, I think the controls were on the same panel I just blasted to shit." Fluke said back.
    All of a sudden, from another doorway across from and above them, more Slur-troopers appeared. They started to fire at them. Fluke and Higha squished behind the tiny corner by the door while Fluke returned fire and hit one of the troopers, causing the others to back off.
    "Hold this." Fluke said as he handed her the gun. He reached down to the Slur-trooper belt that he still had on. He pulled out a piece of metal cord with an unfolding hook on the end. He kept pulling cord out  until he had enough to do what he needed to.
    One of the troopers started to reappear in the doorway above and fire. Higha raised the blaster and started to fire back.
    "They're fucking coming." Higha said as the door behind them started to raise up a little bit, and she kept firing up at the others.
    Fluke threw the hook up in the air and hooked it on a piece of metal above them. Fluke pulled the cord tight as princess Higha gave him a light kiss on the cheek.
    "For fucking luck." she said.
    "Wish I had time for a hummer." said Fluke. "I could use the extra luck." Then, with the princess hanging on, Fluke swung across the abyss to the door on the other side. They kept running and left the troopers behind.
    Across from the Milheadian Friedman, the robots were still hiding and watching the ship.
    "Where the fuck could they be?" asked Grow, as ArDoob kept looking for information in the Drunk Star's computer network.
    "Close the fucking blast door!" called out one of the troopers chasing Hash.
    The huge door ahead of them started to close up. CheWeeda and Hash ran as fast as they could and jumped through the small opening, just before it closed up, leaving the troopers on the other side.
    "Open the fucking blast door!" the trooper called out, knowing that he had lost them for now.