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April 04, 2011

By Garrett Kirby & Michael McCusker, The Glendale Gazzette

April 4, 2011, 12:11 p.m.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - A man was arrested yesterday at the bi-annual “National Mascots Are Relevant Convention” held at the Staples Center. The always adored Philly Phanatic was giving a lecture on the importance of somersaults when he was shot in the chest with a t-shirt gun. He is currently being held at St. Vincent's Medical Center and is under critical condition.

Quickly after the shot, the tiny unknown assailant then scampered onto the stage and began gnawing on Mr. Phanatic’s furry, green leg. An undercover officer rushed the stage and lifted the miniature assailant off the ground with one hand. The small man was handcuffed with Chinese finger-traps. As he was carried away, he emitted a high pitched squeal/giggle that has rendered the arresting officer nearly deaf.

The lone attacker was later found to be, Derrick Denicola (25), a teensy-weensy man-child and former high school mascot who had always dreamt of becoming a professional crowd nuisance. Due to the rare disease aptly coined “Bearded Infant Face”, his petite dreams were crushed when potential employers wouldn’t believe that he was over the age of eleven.

This morning police found Derrick's cell to be empty. Surveillance tapes revealed that Denicola squeezed his insubstantial body through the bars and escaped through a mouse hole in the wall.


Sherman Oaks is on red alert. If you hear anything suspicious, please call the authorities. More specifically, if you hear a man make a bad pun and then laugh at his own "joke"... it is most likely Derrick Denicola. Be advised: do not feed him.