1) Now That’s What I Call Music: Vol. S05E15
YES! The mix is BACK! They got our letters. All none of them. But I can’t really hate on Nine Inch Nails for a second. I love them. They’re the best. It’s just hilarious that the supply-run mixes are super loud and dark. Like, questionable vibe aside, you know that loud noises attract zombies, right? How did any of these knuckleheads stay alive this long? Put some Hall & Oates on the stereo — people like to sing along and it’s not too bass heavy. Jesus, do I really have to hold your hand through everything?
2) Groundhog Day
Remember when Groundhog Day did this in 1993?
Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies. They should really do stuff from Groundhog Day all the time.
3) Somehow More Uncomfortable Than Middle School Dating
I thought I had it tough in middle school. You had to ask a girl to the dance via one of her friends over AOL and then wait for the song from Armageddon to come on before slow dancing two feet apart. Worst. But Carl somehow manages to have an even more awkward experience in the middle of the woods. “Why do I scare you?” he says, and then she pulls out a knife. Uh, take a hint? But instead Carl says, “Cool knife.”
Cool knife? That’s the best you could do, Carl? CARRRRRL! You’re lucky danger turns chicks on and the world is danger city right now because otherwise you would be one lonely dude.
Someone get this girl a book of Sylvia Plath poems on the next supply run! Looking at you, Carl. Get this girl a book of Sylvia Plath poems and it’s a sure thing.
4) Sasha Fierce
Hey Sasha, great job guarding our town from the lookout tower. We appreciate it. Pivotal role in our community. So on that note, could you please GET BACK TO THE TOWER instead of playing this pointless single player campaign in the woods? At least we finally saw a character run out of ammo for the first time in what has been close to 50 hours of television. So that was a thing.
Sasha. I get it. We all get it. You’re stressed out because your older brother, your boyfriend, and some dude you met three minutes ago died. That is stressful! I’m stressed just thinking about it. Could really go for a chill pill right about now! Are chill pills a real thing? The world is just full of big questions! But all this stress doesn’t give you a free pass to waste bullets on stray walkers in the middle of the woods. That being said, watch your back, Sasha, because black characters on this TV show don’t last long, especially when they get a bunch of lines in an episode.
5) True Detective Season Two
Zombies are a flat circle, you guys. I am ready to see the spinoff series that’s just Daryl and Aaron investigating mutilated corpses in the woods. By the way, this episode is titled “Try” and the full title is “Try to figure out what the fuck we’re all doing in the woods.” How has nobody taken over this town? Everybody is off in the woods finding love, wasting bullets, and solving mysteries. AND WHAT DO THE W’S ALL MEAN? My guess? It’s a branded tie-in with Whataburger. Shouts out to Whataburger.
6) How Is This Guy Drunk All The Time?
Have you ever tried to be drunk all the time in the middle of the day? I tried to do it three Saturdays ago. It’s not easy. It’s actually a lot of work. And I don’t know that this guy has the determination, or the supply of fresh beer, to keep it going.
There goes Rick’s theory on windows! Rick, people who live in borrowed houses should not throw alcoholic surgeons through glass windows! Also, if the fact that this guy is a surgeon is the only thing keeping him around, maybe he should forfeit his right to be wasted 100% of the time. I did not go to medical school (shocking) but I’m pretty sure being constantly blackout prevents you from effectively doing anything.
Helium. They have helium at Alexandria. At first this completely confused me, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense. They were on a supply run at Party City picking up blue solo cups and floral paper plates for the spring solstice dinner party when somebody spotted a helium tank. “Help me lift this heavy and bulky thing into our van! Let’s shoot bullets at it on the way home and see if anything cool happens!” These guys! They are not the smartest guys.
8) Keep It Together, Rick!
Rick, I don’t know how to tell you this, but YOU ARE FREAKING US OUT! Your face is covered in blood, you just tried to choke the life out of this dude, you’re waving a gun around, you backhanded Carl, and you’re bringing up the point that we need to be selective about who lives here. Wrong time to bring up this particular point! Pretty sure people are about to be real selective and you might miss the selection train!
And then BOOM! FACE PUNCH! Yes. Hell to the yes. That is how we do it in season five, folks. Conflict? Face-punch resolution. Michonne totally saved his ass, two more crazy sentences and it would’ve been exile for our gang. Wait, did you realize there’s only one episode left?! Who else will get socked in the jaw? Does Carol steal more chocolate? Will we ever find the pasta-maker? Stay tuned for none of these answers on next week’s thrilling season finale!