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August 31, 2016

Sure, he has his vices...but I think we should give him one more chance.

Chris Brown is in trouble once again after a nine hour standoff with police after he reportedly threatened a regional beauty pageant queen with a gun. It was a mistake, and if the allegations are true, it is certainly a troubling episode in the singer’s checkered personal history. But I think we should give Chris Brown one more chance.

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Sure, he’s not perfect—but who is? I think we need to forgive him, just to see what happens. And I know that I’ve said that each time after he’s done something truly horrible but I dunno…let’s let him get just one more chance to make things right.

Plus he’s handsome and has a good body, and it is a well known legal fact that hot people get infinite chances. We should afford all of our hot monsters the same opportunities, regardless of the color of their skin. I mean, Roman Polanksi’s running free around Europe right now and he’s not even that hot.

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Look, I get that the “haters” are gonna say that this is just the latest in a long string of violent incidents that have now become routine. They’re mad at Breezy for his missteps, and want to keep punishing him for things that are in the past. Um, well news flash: that’s how the past works—it’s full of things that HAPPENED, not things that are HAPPENING. If the bad things were happening now then yea, sure—that would be an issue. But they’re not. They’re over with. Like this gun thing—it happened yesterday. It’s time to move on.

Yea, he assaulted Rihanna. But that was a mistake. You know, like forgetting to call your mom back or leaving the lights on or something like that. Totally the same thing. And she said she forgave him…so…end of argument on my end.

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And yea, then he violated the probation of that very case when he went to a party, dressed as an Islamic terrorist, that Rihanna was also attending. But who among us hasn’t made an unfortunate Halloween costume choice and then showed up at the same party as an ex we’ve been court-ordered to stay away from? Not everybody, sure, but at least some people, right?

And I know you’re gonna come right back at me with that time he got that weird neck tattoo that looked like Rihanna but have you ever tried to get a tattoo of a face before? I haven’t, but they seem pretty hard to make look good. Especially when it’s the face of someone who you famously assaulted in a very public way. That’s tough.

Okay, and I guess we have to talk about the time he beat up Drake. Are you gonna tell me that you don’t want to beat up Drake? I mean look at that friggin’ idiot:


Also Drake’s been romantically linked to the woman Chris Brown domestically assaulted so, like, DUH.

Of course there was the hit and run, the assault of two fans in Washington D.C., the time he broke a window at the Good Morning America studio in Times Square–who among us can say we haven’t made the same mistakes? And if we haven’t we’ve probably done something just as bad, like eating the last slice of our roommate’s birthday cake. Right?

So lay off Chris Brown, haters. He needs our love, he needs our support, he needs infinite chances to prove that he is doing better and how can he prove that he is doing better without doing worse every now and then?

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(I can’t forgive him for punching Frank Ocean, though. No way. That shit is unforgiveable.)