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March 21, 2016

Hulk Hogan was recently awarded $115 million in his case against Gawker, after the gossip site had published and commented on his sex tape. Below is the transcript of the trial that led to the decision.

Hulk Hogan was recently awarded $115 million in his case against Gawker, after the gossip site had published and commented on his sex tape.

Below is the transcript of the trial that led to the decision.

[Gawker founder Nick Denton steps down from the stand]

DEFENSE: The defense would now like to call Hulk Hogan to the stand.

[The lights dim in the courtroom and the song “I’m A Real American” begins playing. Everyone in the courtroom perks up. The plaintiff, Hulk Hogan, flanked by his sunglasses-wearing attorney, enters the courtroom as everyone in the court claps and starts chanting “HULK! HULK!”]


JUDGE: You can’t object to someone walking into the room.

DEFENSE: Why was Mr. Hogan and his attorney not in the courtroom and why do they have theme music?


DEFENSE: On what grounds???

JUDGE: It’s a great song that makes me feel like I can accomplish anything and hold on — one moment…

[Judge’s attention is diverted as Hulkamania is sweeping the courtroom. The plaintiff cups his ears, listening to the music. The jury claps wildly. The plaintiff then gives out “Hulkamania” bandanas to children on the jury.]

DEFENSE: Why are there children in the jury? This is unprofessional.

[The music stops and the plaintiff takes a seat on the stand]

BAILIFF: Do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

HULK HOGAN: You got it, brother. And to you Hulkamaniacs out there, stay in school.

DEFENSE: Who are you talking to?

[A patterned background with the Seal of the Supreme Court printed drops behind the plaintiff.]

HULK HOGAN: And Nick Denton, this Sunday, brother, you will meet your maker. You run your business. I run my business. And my business is destroying you. This Sunday, brother, the Royal Rumble is coming to Gawker.com/topic/hulk-hogan.

[Everyone in courtroom cheers]


[The plaintiff leans back and removes his suit coat. His yellow tank top is visible underneath his white dress shirt.]

PROSECUTION: Hulk, do you mind unbuttoning your shirt?


JUDGE: Yeah! Do that!

DEFENSE: It’s not your turn.

[The Plaintiff cups his ears to listen to the jury]

JURY: Hulk! Hulk! Take off your shirt!

[The plaintiff removes his shirt revealing a yellow tank-top that reads “Hulkamania”]

DEFENSE: Fine … Mr. Hogan, is it true that you recorded a sex tape?


DEFENSE: And isn’t it true that, given your celebrity status, this is technically news?

HULK HOGAN: I guess.

DEFENSE: And since you have a history of publicizing your sex life, you have forfeited your right to a complaint?

[The plaintiff gets restless. The jury begins whispering things like “oh no” and “what’s Hulk gonna do?“]

DEFENSE: Answer the question, Mr. Hogan.

[Suddenly, the plaintiff passes out and falls on ropes which have inexplicably been added to the witness stand]

JUDGE: Hulk!!!!!!!

[The doors the court swing open and the Ultimate Warrior comes running in holding a folding chair]

JUDGE: And here comes the Ultimate Warrior!!!

[Ultimate Warrior slams the defense attorney in the back with the chair]


[The plaintiff, now covered in sweat, awakens. He’s groggy.]

JUROR: The only thing that’ll help Hulk is if we chant his name!!

JUDGE: That’s a great idea!

[Defense attorney stands up]



[The plaintiff hears his name being chanted, cups his ear once again. As it reaches its apex he rips his yellow shirt and takes off his pants to reveal little yellow underwear.]

JURY: Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!

JUDGE: Hulk! Hulk!

[The plaintiff body slams the defense attorney]

[The plaintiff body slams the defense attorney again]

[The plaintiff picks up the judge to body slam him]

Prosecution: HULK NOT THE JUDGE!!

[The plaintiff realizes his mistake and puts the judge down, kisses him on the forehead, and gives him his bandana. The judge takes a pen from his robe. Plaintiff takes pen and signs the bandana]

JUDGE: Case closed!!

[Everyone cheers as "I’m A Real American” is blasted from the courtroom speaker.]