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July 06, 2015
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The U.S. National women's team won the FIFA World Cup making history as the highest scoring team in any world cup final game. This is a great thing for everyone except the conservative right, who are freaking out that the country they love is slipping further and further out of their grasp.

The U.S. women’s national soccer team made history yesterday winning the FIFA World Cup with the most amount of goals scored in any world cup final. The team started strong, with midfielder Carli Lloyd scoring within the first three minutes, a goal which would be the first of her hat-trick.

Four goals were scored within the first 16 minutes of the game, and the team didn’t stop there, beating Japan 5-2. The U.S. celebrated the victory, lauding Lloyd and her hardworking teammates. Even Vice President Joe Biden was in the excited crowd, proudly cheering on his country.

While this should be a reason for everyone to rejoice, some people, specifically the conservative and traditional right are freaking out, and rightly so. The America they knew and loved so dearly was majorly attacked by U.S women’s victorious win. Here are the main threats this weekend’s game posed against them.

Threats Posed By Women’s Soccer

  • Women playing sports, let alone winning them?! The only sports women should be playing are synchronized swimming and competitive bake sales. Those are acceptable because men can have the final say by judging each of those. Plus who doesn’t love ladies in bikinis and pies? Also, we can’t let them know how good winning feels. That’s a feeling for old men and young boys.
  • Rejoicing over soccer?! Soccer is the least American sport by far. The men in this country have never once won a world cup, therefore depreciating any value it has. Besides, remember that whole scandal soccer was involved in earlier this year? That would never fly in the NFL, aka American Football aka Better Football. What are people going to fan-girl over next? Ice skating events? Little girl singing competitions?
  • It was super gay! Despite the girls being real pretty, a lot of them had wives or girlfriends. And if they had boyfriends or husbands, those men had to sit in the crowd and cheer like WIVES. Insane. And to rejoice they all jumped over each other and hugged and kissed. Unlike when male athletes squeeze each other’s butts, this really felt like they were pushing the homosexual agenda.
  • It took place in Canada! There is no reason Americans should be looking to Canada for entertainment and if they continue doing so, us conservatives will get so mad we’ll have no choice but to move there.
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