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May 07, 2011

News that ain't department: A new basic cable network featuring 100% vampire content will debut in September.


In order to keep up with the public’s seemingly endless appetite for vampire-centered programming, Media giant Vayacom has announced that it will launch BITES TV, a basic cable network with 24-hour vampire content starting this fall.

“Vampires are the new gays,” said Calvin Wenzel, a veteran TV executive who has been tapped to head the fledgling network. “Fans of sang-and-fang movies, TV shows, books, role-playing and video games, comics, music and fashion are a large and still-expanding market. Starting in September of this year, we plan to air the kind of programs that will be welcome in every crypt and creaky old castle from here to Styria and beyond.”

Wenzel grinned and winked when he said this, apparently implying that he thought that it was a clever thing to say.

Wenzel, who spoke to reporters at a press conference in front of a Burbank blood bank on Tuesday night, said that in addition to existing movies and syndicated television series’ they have a large number of new bloodsucking shows that will soon begin production for the new network.

Wenzel mentioned several new titles, among them the post-apocalyptic horror-drama Blood Epoch, the sitcom Ancient Aunts starring Linda Lavin and Sharon Gless and the Steven Bochco-produced Nosferatu Nights, which is concerned with an all-vampire division of the LAPD.

Also being prepared for the new network is the musical variety show I, Suck!, starring sanguinarian rapper Kid Suck. Suck reportedly has cancelled plans for a world tour in order to concentrate on the new show, which Wenzel says Suck promised will be “blood-awesome!”

Wenzel seemed most enthusiastic about a series of vampire reality programs that are currently in pre-production.

The Black Swan Hookup will essentially be a dating-centered show between vampires and vampire-attracted non-vampires.

Survival: Transylvania will pit American goth teens against one another in a series of competitive events that include blood-chugging contests, victim-stalking, stake-dodging and being buried alive in coffins.

Real Vampire Housewives of New Orleans will follow some rich vamps in the Big Easy as they drink, shop, feud amongst themselves and with their families and suck random men.

The press conference ended abruptly when APP correspondent Tim Rispoli asked Wenzel if he was aware that vampires do not actually exist. Wenzel responded by leaping upon Rispoli and attempting to bite him, but he fell back and fled when he saw that Rispoli was wearing a crucifix around his neck.

Vayacom has not commented on the incident.