-Movie concept- reading rainbow in 3d. lavar burton and Aesop have a winner take all grudge match with the human centipad and creator of kindle
-Start a rock band named your mom so that even if you didn’t like it you’d have to listen to it.
-Test corny jokes on funnyordie.com
Dear 3 doors down,
I didn’t like that song the first time I heard it, or the second time when you reworded it and gave it another title. Or the 3rd time when you changed the second song. We get it you’re lonely. Shut up already if a music career hasn’t helped yet go get a shrink.
-Just saw a commercial for a number you can call to find out what your jersey shore nickname is. If you would like the number or care to find out what your jersey shore nicknameis punch yourself in the face and apologize to your mother. We are not friends.
-Anybody with an IQ lower than 75 that is procreating should be considered a domestic terrorist
-Oh parker lewis… you still can’t lose
-A packed dutch, 12 bud light’s, and 8 jager bombs is not a good idea
After watching these videos...
Rebecca Black- Friday- I thought of things that make hostel look like a disney flick
Snow tha Product- Drunk Love- I was hoping the car would drive into a rusty nail factory made of dynamite
Riff Raff- Larry Bird-Really? Phantom crossovers... you're gonna get a MTV tattoo and do phantom crossovers through the whole video? Your move Rob Van Winkle and all Canadian rappers.
-Dildos + lesbians=oxymoron
-Germans still love David Hasselhoff. It’s affinity is best compared to America’s love affair with laziness, misguided sense of entitlement and willingness to complain.
-A Snuggie doubles as a bath robe
-The thunder shirt is the animal equivalent to a Snuggie
-Dickies are the chest equivalent to a Snuggie
-I like to invite door to door salesman in, listen to their pitch for the product, ask detailed questions about said product before declining and making them fill out a survey evaluating my performance.
-I think that when you die you’re taken to a movie theatre forced to sit next to God while being surrounded by every person you've ever loved and are forced to watch your entire life with your inner monologue as the soundtrack. If you make it to the end you get to go to heaven. Just know by the end of it all everyone but God and that creepy uncle will have walked out in disgust.
-When I call friends at work and they’re unable to speak I leave a message saying, “Jesus called and said he’s on his way."
-That Ace of Bass chick is dyslexic #Allthatshewantsisanotherbabyshesgonetomorrow #AllthatIwantisalttleblowifyouremovinoutgirl
-If you can't appreciate the humor of staring at the sky while tripping only to find out what you thought was "some sort of star you were moving with your mind" is actually an airplane you need to read Steve Jobs' biography or get in touch with his "guy". Because you're not doing it right.
-Just watched a show called I (almost) got away with it... thanks for ruining the ending
-I'm claiming my freckles, hair color, and lack of pigment as dependents on my taxes this year.
-I have a feeling that Sandusky guy is not gonna enjoy the shower as much as he used to.
-That Santa fella is a work van away from a felony
-That new Sarah Jessica Parker movie War Horse looks pretty good. Never thought she'd get the lead role in an action flick.