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November 21, 2011

This is random bull shit I think... and how much of a fan I am of Jack Handey

-Why didn't anyone tell me Avatar was Dances With Wolves 2 and where the hell was Kevin Costner?

-Why is yellow snow so salty?

-Given the current political climate I think we all need to take a step back and remember one universal truth ... "We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance ... well ... they're no friends of mine."

-Will I ever be able to listen to 'Damn it feels good to be a Gangsta' or 'Still' by Geto Boys with out somebody bringing up Office Space ever again?
-Freckles are a pre-exitsing condition
Richmond Braves baseball team changing its name:
Personally I'm offended by the name The Richmond Flying Squirrels it perpetuates the stereotype that Southerners are dumb... because we name a team The Flying Squirrels and name the mascot ... "Nutsy." Stay classy Richmond... stay classy.

 -Movie concept- reading rainbow in 3d. lavar burton and Aesop have a winner take all grudge match with the human centipad and creator of kindle

-Start a rock band named your mom so that even if you didn’t like it you’d have to listen to it.

-Test corny jokes on funnyordie.com

Dear 3 doors down,

I didn’t like that song the first time I heard it, or the second time when you reworded it and gave it another title. Or the 3rd time when you changed the second song. We get it you’re lonely. Shut up already if a music career hasn’t helped yet go get a shrink.

-Just saw a commercial for a number you can call to find out what your jersey shore nickname is. If you would like the number or care to find out what your jersey shore nicknameis punch yourself in the face and apologize to your mother. We are not friends.

-Anybody with an IQ lower than 75 that is procreating should be considered a domestic terrorist

-Oh parker lewis… you still can’t lose

-A packed dutch, 12 bud light’s, and 8 jager bombs  is not a good idea

After watching these videos...

Rebecca Black- Friday- I thought of things that make hostel look like a disney flick


Snow tha Product- Drunk Love- I was hoping the car would drive into a rusty nail factory made of dynamite 


Riff Raff- Larry Bird-Really? Phantom crossovers... you're gonna get a MTV tattoo and do phantom crossovers through the whole video? Your move Rob Van Winkle and all Canadian rappers.


St. Patty's Day-

I was in the grocery store and this old lady came up, pinched me and said, "that's what you get for not wearing green on St. Patricks day." So I punched her in the face and replied, "That's what you get for pinching strangers in the detergent aisle.

Dear Redskins Fans,

Stop. Please just fucking STOP! I admit it's cute how every year you're like "THIS IS OUR YEAR!," "GO SKINS!," "WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS TIME!," or "COOL! WE'RE PLAYING A TEAM JUST AS BAD AS US ON PAPER!" But it's not cute-cute it's like ugly baby cute. It's like, "AWWW look it's a baby, but it's ugly and kind of off-putting  and annoying to look at so get it away from me before vomit from pity."

Manopause- the disease in which aging males lose their ability to control their emotions, in interviews and public forums. Symptoms include eye leaking, delusions of knowing what people want, an affinity for the color orange, chalkboards filled with nonsensical propaganda perpetuated by idiots. (See Glen Beck and John Boehner)

-I was at a gas station today and the clerk asked “anything else pumpkin?” I spit in her face and screamed in a high pitch, “what kind of racist shit is that? That’s our word you can’t use it!” (I have red hair and as a Public Announcement to all those stricken with Gingeritis... it doesn't get better, ever. Some people say "Aww he's/she's so cute" when they see a smile child with red hair. I don't. I look them in their eyes shake my head in disappointment and say "You got a long road ahead of you kid.")

-My only fear of death is that mine will make Elvis seemed dignified

-Dildos + lesbians=oxymoron

-Germans still love David Hasselhoff. It’s affinity is best compared to America’s love affair with laziness, misguided sense of entitlement and willingness to complain.

-A Snuggie doubles as a bath robe

-The thunder shirt is the animal equivalent to a Snuggie

-Dickies are the chest equivalent to a Snuggie

-I like to invite door to door salesman in, listen to their pitch for the product, ask detailed questions about said product before declining and making them fill out a survey evaluating my performance.

-I think that when you die you’re taken to a movie theatre forced to sit next to God while being surrounded by every person you've ever loved and are forced to watch your entire life with your inner monologue as the soundtrack. If you make it to the end you get to go to heaven. Just know by the end of it all everyone but God and that creepy uncle will have walked out in disgust.

-When I call friends at work and they’re unable to speak I leave a message saying, “Jesus called and said he’s on his way."

-That Ace of Bass chick is dyslexic #Allthatshewantsisanotherbabyshesgonetomorrow #AllthatIwantisalttleblowifyouremovinoutgirl

-If you can't appreciate the humor of staring at the sky while tripping only to find out what you thought was "some sort of star you were moving with your mind" is actually an airplane you need to read Steve Jobs' biography or get in touch with his "guy". Because you're not doing it right.

-Just watched a show called I (almost) got away with it... thanks for ruining the ending

-I'm claiming my freckles, hair color, and lack of pigment as dependents on my taxes this year.

-I have a feeling that Sandusky guy is not gonna enjoy the shower as much as he used to.

-That Santa fella is a work van away from a felony

-That new Sarah Jessica Parker movie War Horse looks pretty good. Never thought she'd get the lead role in an action flick.

- Dear Ashton Kutcher,
Please decide if you're going to be an idiotic d-bagg in a camera commercial, a fresh bucket of Santorum starring in a bad movie/show that was never funny, or an extra medium t-shirt enthusiast getting the early bird special with the fossil you call a wife

-Somebody asked me the other day after a lengthy (item) induced conversation about religion "if there is a God how do you explain the starving children and genocide in Africa?" I responded by saying, "they were racist on their previous life. Think about it."