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Published November 06, 2009 More Info »
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Published November 06, 2009

So...a little bit of back story.  My housemate/baby daddy is a buyer for a large retail chain and was given the mandate to bring in some "As Seen On TV Products", which, to nobody sane's surprise, is shady business.  He decided to pre-empt the work shipment and ordered an item from the TV commercial (to get the second one completely free, a few Sham Wows, and a "free" giftcard (which he hasn't received, but for selecting that option he was billed for an "insurance policy" for the next three months until he complained)) ANYWAY...everything came and everything is square..at least as far as we know.   So, this letter comes in the mail and it's rather thick, and PINK, which is odd, but whatever.  I leave it on his desk.  He gets home and I hear him laughing from the next room, he brings it out and gifts it to me as he knows that I will have a field day with it (bitch meet bone), which I am going to do right now.
Firstly, twice on the first page she refers to him as her DEAR Nigel (My dear Nigel), which is surprising since they've never met, aren't related and it's an awfully familiar tone to take with someone you got from a cough cough reputable company's cough cough mailing list.  So, it begins..."My dear Nigel,  Do you have money or love problems?"  Now, that in itself is a complete shot in the dark because who ever has money or love problems?  Nobody, right?  "...I know what that's like, because it has happened to me too."  Now that is odd....eerie coincidence.  "I remember well that day, in 1971, when I lost my job (that was a few years before I noticed my psychic gift)...blah blah blah "Today everything is going wonderfully well.  Maybe you've seen my photograph in many magazines and in the press" blah blah blah "with more money than I need, and surrounded by so many people who love me".   Hahahahaha!  Hahahhahaha!  "I even miraculously escaped from a terrible car accident (I'll tell you more about this in two minutes)! " Two minutes, eh?  So she even knows how fast her dear Nigel can read!!!  First she gives the schpeel about the "Ring of Re" and how she was referred by at least two "reputed, serious, competent specialists", one a "pentacular divinationist" and the other a parapsychologist who miraculously came to the same conclusion that the Ring of Re about it's "hovering, protective presence".  So...days after she got the ring she was ina horrible accident and was "unharmed" while the "car was completely destroyed " and she's gone so far as to include a photcopied picture of some wreck parked on the grass next to another wreck (looks like a grassy impound lot)...nothing beats PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE LOL!   Now, this "personal letter" is typed on stationary from the "Destiny Research Centre", LOL, and there is a reference number typed on the bottom, left hand corner...need I go on?  I will anyway.  So, the pink sheets are done and now there's the copy of the add she runs (how her pic gets in magazines LOL),  there is a DRAWING of the ring (and to verify some authenticity it says "Enlarged to show details". LOL) and it also says "...if you act QUICKLY, you can wear this talisman for FREE for 30 days- BUT there is ONE CONDITION...." and it never actually says what the condition is! LOL  Also, since she lamented in her very personal letter to her dearest Nigel that she's passing along this "secret" to him only because she's 70 years old now and has all the money/friends she can bear...why does he have to act QUICKLY?  Why not just send him the ring?  To add insult to injury, she writes "IMPORTANT  Because this special offer is a FREE trial, we can only guarantee it for those who send in their "coupon" immediately.  After then, orders will be filled only until the available supply of rings is exhausted".  I'm exhausted just from reading all of this bullshit.  Oh, and it also mentions "Attention: The Ring of Re is adjustable.  It fits any finger size, and it is therefore not necessary to specify ring size".  Whew!  That's relief! 
Now, even her math is New Age because it says you can buy 2 Rings of Re for $7 each for a total of only $20 and receive a thrid ring for FREE!  OR order 4 rings for only $40 and get TWO extra rings for free. LOL  Bargain basement prices for the power and protection of the Egyptian Pharaohs.  Does she not realize that most Egyptian Pharaohs died brutal, murderous deaths and died YOUNG, at that?  LOL
My favorite part, the finishing touch, is the page that says to "Please read this only if you have decided NOT to send for your free trial Ring of Re".
"Dear Nigel, I can only see 3 reasons that would prevent you from ordering your Ring of Re
1. You don't believe anything that doesn't have a rational explanation.  Think about it : Do you know a rational explanation for the origin of the world?
2. You don't want to spend money without being certain what you'll get in exchange."  We are both fairly certain what he'll get in exchange, thank you :)
"3. You are already lucky.   You have no problems - not with money or love.  Good for you!  But are you sure it's going to last?" blah blah blah
In conclusion "You can see that you really have no VALID reason for hesitating about ordering your Ring of Re. Send in your free trial coupon enclosed today.  Do it NOW to be sure you don't forget about it."  And, it's not even signed by our 70 year old psychic benefactor, it has some random signature on top of the title "Destiny Research Center"
 I can think of another valid reason..."because you don't give banking information to scam artists"
and another one..."...you have active grey matter."
and another one..."...go fuck yourself."
 

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