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February 14, 2012

Valentines Day Anal: An Open Letter To All Girlfriends


Dear Miscellaneous Girlfriend,
Please give me Valentines Day Anal, my darling. Not YOU put on a strap on and fuck ME in the ass, that'd just be cray, but let me wildly penetrate your innards in a gentle and loving way! I want to sauté your brown eye with the most delectable seasonings. I want to infuse it with all sorts of wonderful sauces, and marinades, and let your back-pussy stew in the juices for a few hours then FEAST upon it (your butt hole) like a ferociously hungry sailor back from a year at sea, my only sustenance coming from chewy barnacles and my own filtered urine. I love you so much, baby.
Valentines Day is supposed to be one of the most special, wonderful, intimate days of the year. It is the ONE day where couples can truly devote themselves completely to one another and let the world slip away. A day where lovers can bathe in roses and chocolates and Tiffany's diamonds! A day where a girlfriend can let her beau (me) violently stab at her Chili-Ring with his over eager member, prodding, and poking, and awkwardly jabbing at your anus until our souls merge in a MAJESTIC fusing of pain and ecstasy! OMG, you're my soul mate.
Please, just let me just go on ahead and anal you, my sweet. Over the course of my previous butt-sex attempts, I've only had 4 pumps in 2 girls, and I really, really just want some more pumps. Not TOO many more, mind you. I'm not talking about having an all night freak-fest, population, your poopshoot, I'm talking like 40-600 violent thrusts, I'll be as quick as I can, and you know I can do that, motherfucker!
Yeah, your vagina is great! It's warm and cozy and welcoming. But to be honest, I just want to try something new; something exotic and sophisticated. And who's to say you won't like it? Who is to say you won't think it's fucking unbelievable. For all you know, this time next week you'll be asking me to sodomize you with a bloodless focus that I've never given for sex! It'll be our new "thing!" A beautiful step forward in our relationship! We you'll be united as one! I your anal sorcerer, and you my lowly tavern wench! We're such a good couple!
I want to do something magnanimous and life changing, baby. My whole entire existence I've been called an under-achiever. People have said I'm lazy, and that I never really put forth my full effort into anything. Well this is my fucking chance (insert girlfriends name)!  I want to get real nitty and gritty in your asshole, I wanna get crazy and I definitely want to get stinky. Maybe even a little stanky, if there's time, honey.
I love you so, so, so much. Our relationship up until this point has been pretty awesome! All the fun parties, the dinners, the movies, the endless romance! But to be honest, it's time to get a little weird. I want to lube you up and pump your guts full of lead (sweet Home Alone reference, huh?). Now I've bought you some pretty fucking expensive presents, and I've made reservations at a pretty top notch restaurant, so... all's a homie is asking for is a little return on his investment! If I have to pretend that I care about your dumb friends and their dumb problems, then the least you can do is let me aggressively pop you in the corn hole for several minutes. I mean, come on!
Well, that's about the long and the short of it (insert stupid nickname you call your girlfriend)! And know this, I definitely respect you more than ever. I respect you as a strong, independent, and beautiful woman! You are such a great person and you have done so much for me. Our relationship is something I know that I will never have with any other person. You are my other half and you make my entire life worth living. We are going to anal tonight, my love. I am going to open up your sphincter and shower it with emotion, encase it with love, and butcher it with penis. Adieu, my one and only. See you tonight!
With all the love in my heart,
P.S. Happy Valentines Day!