1. That Guy Who Dated Monica on Friends
Ya know that guy who dated Monica? Not Chandler, the other one. With the mustache. He was suave, older, had everything going for him. Can you believe she ended up with that schmuck, Chandler? Too sarcastic, and too pudgy. And I heard from my friend Marcy that new Odd Couple he was in was horrible!
2. That Guy On Blue Bloods
That lead guy on that cop show I watch on CBS? Such a hunk. I, like any mom, contribute to CBS being the top rated network in America by just leaving it on, and letting its inoffensive content wash over me while I play Candy Crush. But sometimes I look up and see that guy, and he really starts my engine more than your father ever could.
3. That One From Magnum, P.I.
He was the lead guy, back when your father and I started dating. I used to get out my VCR and record that show all the time– that’s what we had before I got my TiVo. He solved so many mysteries! I always suspected that HE had a Magnum PI, if ya know what I mean. (I’m talking about his penis.)
4. That Dude From The 1972 B-Movie, Daughters of Satan
I took your father to this movie at the drive through, and he got so scared I had to take him home. But man, the only thing more terrifying than that movie was how much I wanted to bang the lead, if you catch my drift. (I wanted to have sex with him.)
5. That Man Who Does Voiceovers On The Florida’s Natural Commercials
I just love listening to whoever that guy is describing oranges and orange juice. I had no idea that their oranges came from Florida, or that their prices are so reasonable! He really shakes my orange tree, if ya get where I’m going with this! (He arouses me sexually.)
6. That One Guy Who Was On That Law and Order Rerun I Watched When I Was Sick.
Was that Law and Order? Or was that Boston Legal? I don’t know, I was hopped up on Benadryl, but I do love how that character put his foot down and said his daughter shouldn’t have dated that hooligan. Always listen to your parents, remember that.
7. Your Uncle Alan
Ah, Alan. I always wanted to date him instead of your father, especially because he was so good in that all white production of The Wiz at our community theater! He could have made it to Broadway, if your stupid father hadn’t told him to be a CPA.