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July 17, 2017

The night is dark and full of analogies.

Game of Thrones is back, and we couldn’t be more excited. The show is chock full of parallels with real-life, and people love to point them out! But how many analogies are too many? Here are five Game of Thrones analogies that you definitely don’t need:

White Walkers are Climate Change


As we found out in Sunday’s season 7 premiere, Winter is finally here. Many in Westeros have their doubts about whether there really is impending destruction in the form of White Walkers. Much like scientists of today, Jon Snow faces an uphill battle trying to convince stubborn skeptics the “inconvenient truth”. This analogy is a little too on the nose, though. You definitely don’t need this one.

The High Sparrow is Pope Francis


This one is a bit obvious. Both are heads of the biggest church in all the land, both have stayed true to their humble roots, and the both look identical to each other. This is less of an analogy and more life imitating art. On the other hand, unlike Pope Francis - who as we all know, is immortal - the High Sparrow is dead. So you definitely don’t need this one.

Sam is Rocky Balboa (but with reading instead of punching)


Sunday’s episode featured Sam’s first big training sequence at The Citadel, in a clear homage to Rocky Balboa’s many classic training montages. Sure, Sam was reading books and weighing dead human organs instead of chasing chickens and punching frozen meat, but we could almost hear “Gonna Fly Now” whisper through the quiet library.

Sam was scrubbing diseased shit out of dozens of bedpans like he was practicing “wax on, wax off”. Wait - that’s actually from The Karate Kid. A much better analogy than Rocky Balboa. Then you definitely don’t need this one.

Wesley Snipes is NOT a Lannister


The Lannisters always pay their debts. Wesley Snipes spent three years in prison for tax evasion. It’s safe to say that Wesley Snipes does not always pay his debts, therefore Wesley Snipes is NOT a Lannister. Glad that mystery is solved. You definitely don’t need this one.

George R.R. Martin is the NYC MTA


As much as we love to complain about overcrowded trains, delays, and mysterious smells, the NYC subway is an intricate, wondrous marvel that could have only come from the brightest engineering minds. Similarly, George R.R. Martin has used his genius to give us the astonishingly detailed world in A Song of Ice & Fire. And much like the Second Avenue Subway, George R.R. Martin has only released small parts of Winds of Winter, despite starting the project in 1919.

Nonetheless, George R.R. Martin is a real-life human being, so no analogy is necessary to comprehend his existence. We definitely don’t need this one.

King’s Landing is Whole Foods, Winterfell is Trader Joe’s


As capital of the Seven Kingdoms, King’s Landing sounds nice from the outside. However, on the inside, it’s a poverty-stricken cesspool. Whole Foods is grand in theory, but has priced out all but the upper class. Both institutions are seeking a fresh start after recently blowing things up: King’s Landing quite literally, after Cersei destroyed the Sept of Baelor with wildfire, and Whole Foods figuratively, after being purchased by Amazon.

Winterfell, on the other hand, is a no-frills castle full of Westeros’ bravest and most honorable people - the Starks. Trader Joe’s has the best value of all the grocery chains and features the nicest employees in the game. Plus, Trader Joe’s pigeon pie is to die for!

Then again, they’re just grocery stores. You definitely don’t need this analogy.

Queen Cersei is Lord Voldemort who is Donald Trump


You definitely don’t need this one.