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Published June 02, 2011

  In honor of Memorial Day BBQ's around the globe, I've compiled a list of the 10 people you will definitely meet at a BBQ.  No particular order.


10.  The Grillmaster:  This guy needs to be by the grill.  If you're eating food, he's making it.  He's waiting for you to tell him how good the burgers are.  How hard is it to cook things on a grill?  This guy has been tricked into thinking he's a master chef, when in fact he's just the only person willing to cook.  Whatever you do, do not ask, "What's in this?"  He is waiting to pounce on this question.  "Well, let me see.  There's some red wine vinaigrette, some diced cilantro, macadamia nuts, elephant testicles, and nobody fucking cares!  Just give me the fucking burger!  Goddamn it! Fuck!"   


9.  The Lightweight:  This chick sips on a warm Corona for three hours and says a total of 6 words.  She is easily the most likable person at the BBQ.  I have nothing bad to say about her.


8.  The Drunk:  I know this guy very well.  He has been drinking since Thursday night and come Memorial Day, he is stuck in some time-warp, half blackout stupor.  At the beginning of the BBQ, people will love to have this guy because he wants to, "Get this shit goin'".  He's an essential ingredient to all BBQ's, but you need to know how to distance yourself when the time comes.  You DO NOT want to get stuck in a one-on-one convo with this guy.  He may talk about his ex-girlfriend or he may start crying.  His wild card attributes that make him a necessity, also make him very dangerous.


7.  The Misinformed Conspiracy Theorist Liberal: This guy is 100% certain that George Bush blew up the World Trade Center.  If you ask him to embellish, he will talk about oil, the middle east, and us supplying weapons to Osama Bin Ladin.  He has absolutely no evidence or logic to back anything up.  He knows that Republicans are evil, but he can't explain why.  He believes in Health Care Reform and an Open Door immigration policy, but he doesn't vote, because, "What's the point?  They're all crooks".  There's a word for poeple that don't vote because they don't see the point.  Lazy.  This guy is a descendant of the Woodstock hippie.  His point of view is an excuse to do drugs.  Fuck this guy. 


6.  The Guy Who Never Shuts the Fuck Up:  This guy is scanning the party for somebody, anybody, to make eye contact with so he can invite himself to rape your earholes with non-stop dogshit.  He's always talking about some bullshit business plan.  If you get this guy coked up, watch out.  Ten minutes will feel like 3 days.  He has an air of unoriginality and boredom.  He's the kinda guy that you know is terrible in bed or has a sordid past of shooting dogs and touching his cousin.  If you get caught with this guy, don't be polite, walk away. Don't be a martyr.


Next half after I attend a real BBQ.  I have a life.  I don't just sit in my parents basement and write blogs.


I'm back and I had great time.  A great fucking time.  I know how to have fun without drinking.  Get off my back.


5.  The Kissy Couple:  Good lord.  These assholes irritate both lonely singles and disgruntles couples.  The long term couples really can't stand them, because that's exactly what they used to be like before they started hating each other.  Can't you just go bang in the stairwell and get it over with.  The rest of the BBQ can take solace in the fact that this relationship can only go in one direction.


4.  The Couple that Hates Each Other:  This couple is the most awesome couple at the party.  We get such sadistic satisfaction from the ultimate failure of others.  It makes us feel better about how little we've done in certain areas of our lives.  That, and angry couples are just plain hilarious.  They will snap at every little thing.  Their hatred for each other runs deep.  "Why are you always chomping your gum and telling me what to do?"  "Maybe, if you didn't act like a 5 year old, I wouldn't have to tell you what to do."  Add drugs and alcohol and you're really cookin'.


3.  The One Chick Wearing Something Completely Inappropriate:  God bless this girl.  She's the reason people have these parties.  She's generally wearing something white, extremely short, and basically see through.  You are literally centimeters away from seeing bush.  You can't believe it's so close.  You can almost reach out and grab it.   Girlfriends are bird-dogging their boyfriends, making sure his eyes don't wander.  If he looks to that side of the party their in trouble.  The boyfriends will strategically create opportunities to eye rape the short skirt.  Trips to the bathroom, phone calls, working the grill.  Any one of these will give you the vantage point you're looking for.  Men can't help themselves.


2.  The Guy that Brings Awful Shit to Eat:  This guy is trying to reinvent the wheel.  He brings some kind of crap macaroni/tuna casserole or something that 1 out of every 10 people would like.  He brings Pepsi instead Coke and he puts ketchup on his hot dog.  If he brought chips, he would get a polarizing flavor like Hamburger Doritos or Ketchup Lays.  He's a big proponent of weird Gorgonzola dips and tasteless vegan desserts.  This guy can't understand the concept of burgers and dogs.  Bonus Tip:  All I want is a decent burger, a Nathons or Hebrew National Dog, Polska Kielbasa, potato salad, coleslaw, corn on the cob, and Italian Sausage sweet and spicy.  Everything else can go to hell.    


1.  The Dickhead (Pictured on left, although guy on right could also be classified as dickhead):  This guy has something to say about everyone.  He's insecure and he's needy for attention.  He probably has a blog and his career his going nowhere fast.  Fuck this guy.   

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