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Published September 04, 2008

No longer must a man go to his local strip club, street corner, bar, or Sunday church service in hopes of acquiring a wonderful breast-to-face liaison. Let’s be honest, all of those things are just too damn expensive, anyway. Whatever happened to the best things in life being free? I’m sure it can somehow be blamed on oil, because it seems as though everything else is.

Believe it or not, all you have to do now-a-days is go to your local optometrist. Not that going to the optometrist is free, but at least you don’t have to listen to someone going on and on about how they’re just trying to get themselves through school, or they recently lost their job and have kids they are just trying to feed, or how they only drink beer that comes in corked bottles, or how there is a Lord and savior who loves you and wants to make sure you live in eternal happiness. Blah, blah, blah. Save it for someone who gives a shit. Call me constipated, because I don’t.

Breasts at the eye doctor’s? Impossible, you say?  Au contraire, mon frère. I think I just rapped in French. Anyway, I would have said the same thing, but I just returned from there and have learned differently. Do you want to know what happened? Much like I used to yell out from the back of the class room in high school (and quickly obtain myself a detention), I got “titties in my face.”

*Side note: Imagine, if you will, being in high school. You’re sitting in class, the teacher is droning on and on trying to make you a well-informed human being, and of course, no one is enjoying it. Then, like a glimmer of hope shining in your absolute darkness, a voice arises from the back of the room. Drowning out the teacher’s voice, you hear a phrase being uttered. A simple phrase, but a phrase that encompasses all that is the hope of man. In a deep, ridiculous voice, you hear “Titties in my face”, and it echoes through the room. A smile spreads across your face, and you know that everything is going to be alright.

Yeah, that was me. I knew that I would be punished, but I put you before myself. I sacrificed my first half hour after school for your well-being. Not because I want anything in return, and not for the glory. Simply because I’m a humanitarian. Simply because I am Jesus-like.*

Now, when I say “titties in my face” I do not mean that I had a steaming hot…oh God, get your mind out of the gutter. I can’t believe you thought I was going to say that. I’m not into the sort of thing, at all, you sick bastard. You leave the bathroom business for the bathroom. I’m not into your “Hot Lunches”, or your “Chili Cheese Dogs”, or your “Cleveland Steamers”, or your “Chocolate Milkshakes” or whatever else the kids are calling it these days. What is wrong with you people? I was going to say affair. I was saying that I didn’t have an affair with my optometrist. Good Lord.

Also, when I say “titties in my face”, I mean literally in my face. I now have silicone contacts. Who’d have thunk it, huh? The same thing that makes breasts larger can also help you to see better. What are they going to come up with next? Labia chap stick? A sweet, moist coating of lip for your lips? No artificial flavoring. That’d be pretty awesome, actually.  I’d buy it.

I know what you’re saying. “Like you just mentioned, breasts aren’t made of silicone. Fake breasts are made of silicone.” I can’t argue that. Technically, you are right. However, I technically don’t care if they are natural or silicone, as long as they are in my face. I’m speaking about both contacts and breasts. Technically I would rather have breasts in my face than contacts, though, because technically I’m a guy, and technically that’s how we are. Technically. I just “technically” seven times in one paragraph, so I just technically won a bet. There was even one more to grow on. Happy Birthday! Pay up!

Alright, I lied. Real is always better, but I take what I can get. I mean, look at me. Beggars can’t be choosers, especially when the majority of my “begging” involves “drugging” and “mask wearing” and “fleeing the scene.” I fear I’ve said too much.

It is nice being able to see clearly, though. No longer will I  be going around damn near blind like Mr. Magoo, running into walls and knocking small children over. I still think they completely overreacted about that entire thing, by the way. I bumped into him and he fell down and got a small cut, down the middle of his head, that needed a few staples to close. Big deal. He’s fine. That’s what’s wrong with this country today; we’re raising a bunch of vaginas. It’ll be good for the chap stick industry, I suppose. I smell a…alright, seriously, stop it. You just think of the most vile things, don’t you. Like our government would concoct such an evil plan. I was going to say I smell a vagina. Geeze, guys.

Just kidding. I was actually going to say that I smelled a conspiracy. Seriously. I fooled you. That’s shame on me. If it happens again, though, the same will be all over you, so tread carefully.

So, if you’re like me; a guy who doesn’t have perfect vision, but does have a perfect love of all things breast, take heed. I strongly recommended that you try something different. Try going to your optometrist and telling them that you want…no, you need…titties in your face.

If nothing else, you get to say “titties”, and it’s such a silly word. It just makes you smile. If I ever have children, when they are babies, instead of tickling them and using that weird “child voice” (Which, by the way, everyone’s “child voice” is the same as their “animal voice.” Seriously, think about it. That speaks volumes as to how you feel about your children.), I’m just going to lean over their crib and say “titties.” They will giggle, I’ll feel like a good parent, and the mother will say “They really do take after you, don’t they?” A happy family we will be, indeed.

Titties, in our faces. Opening eyes and making families happy since the beginning of time. It’s the one constant we can truly count on.                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

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