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February 28, 2013

because human interaction is overrated.


Problem #1: Your friend Jimmy calls you saying that he has two tickets to a concert tonight, but you really hate that asshole (god he is such a dick) and you don't have an excuse…what do you do? I'm here to help.

Let's face it, with the advancements in technology combined with the increase of social media usage, personal communication is a thing of the past and you do not want to be that kid caught having an actual conversation (words coming out of your mouth and going into someone else's ear) in public. For many years now we, as humans, have been exponentially growing our networks of friends without taking the valuable time to weed out the annoying ones from middle school, and now Jimmy is on the other line selfishly asking you to hang out. The nerve of some people. Oh, you disagree? How many times have you had to fake an illness, say you are out of town, or tell someone that you recently lost every single one of your shirts, just so you can avoid human interaction.

"Friends are for poor people" -Oprah

I get it. Trying to get rid of your friends is not often looked upon as the most positive thing. Some (many) people have said that I am just an inconsiderate douche. My response to that is: "Douche" or just a "Friendship genius ahead of his time" kinda like a mix between Einstein and The Beatles? You see, friendship is a complex entity and it's important to sustain a delicate balance between: 1) The friends you use for money 2) The friends who make you look more attractive 3) Hipster friends (very important) and finally 4) Miscellaneous

I know from experience that having too many friends can result in stressful, and undesirable situations and so now, revealed to the public (the six people that will read this) for the first time ever, here is my list of how to lose your friends, quick and easy:

1) Try to use the phrase "Sunday Funday" in as many sentences as possible
2) Don't text them, but when you do call them by a similar, but wrong name. e.g. "Alex" instead of "Allen"
3) Insist on going everywhere with them (Bathroom, work, dentist, relatives baptism, etc) 
4) LAST RESORT ONLY: Let them know very clearly that you enjoy Kristen Stewart as an actress

Disclaimer: These steps may lead to substantially less human interaction and ultimately dying alone. Enjoy.