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July 28, 2009
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Being a baller, I tend to play basketball a lot. The other day I was balling, and some other ballers challenged me and my baller bros to a game of full-court. FULL COURT. I suck at full court.

I can't dribble, so full-court makes me look like an even shitter dribbler. One of my favorite dribbling techniques is to get a rebound, then take a few steps and crouch down, protecting the ball. I'll try to pass it to a teammate, then it'll get stolen. That's how I work.

One of the things I've noticed about street-balling is that there are two kinds of defense: physical and voice. "Physical D" is obvious: that's you actually playing defense. "Voice D" is when you're too tired to get to the basket, so you scream something random at your man when he's trying to score.

(Guy drives to the basket, and defender just watches)

"I'll burn your church!"

"Nigga, I'm agnostic. But that's still fucked up."

By the time he's said agnostic, I've already stolen the ball. That's an example of "Voice Defense."

I like playing two-on-two, I think it's good having a teammate and working together. One thing I don't like is when your teammate creates a play, then dishes it out to you to hit an open shot. And after he does that, he screams "HIT THAT!" Dude, obviously. Thanks for taking the time to remind me of what I'm supposed to be doing, and on top of that, adding the pressure of "you better make this." That's like Tiger Woods' caddy screaming "MAKE IT!" right when he's about to sink a putt. Tiger would be like, "Okay, fuck you.....anyone else know how to caddy?"

Not to generalize, but I have noticed, when me and my friends play African-Americans, we tend to lose. It's almost a rule: three-pointers are worth two, play to 11, black people always beat me and my friends. That's why I'd love to turn the tables one day, and challenge them to some whiffle ball. That'd be our Redemption Day.

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