1. Stop doing the thing where you attack yourself at the groin and hope that a G4 camera crew shows up in time to film it.
2. Once a day, take a moment out of your busy schedule to treat yourself to one strong cup of coffee, one slice of apple pie, two glasses of red wine, one medium shrimp and beef pizza with extra cheese, three mind erasers, and one tube of chocolate chip cookie dough.
3. Whenever you start to feel down about your life, just remember that each day is a gift. Then imagine a hilarious manatee blowing bubbles from a tiny tobacco pipe.
5. Start every morning with a rigorous set of kegels and/or cock pushups in front of the mirror while listening to Rammstein at full volume and shouting “No limits!”
6. Ride a dolphin into the sunset.
7. Sire a calf or two.
8. Start limiting yourself to one vodka-soaked tampon per school day.
9. Inadvertently create a groundbreaking source of renewable energy whilst summering in the Hamptons.
10. Announce on Facebook that you are “headin’ to the gym!” Repeat as needed until you feel whole.
11. Puke and rally, bro.
12. Find a new way to connect with people that doesn’t involve your uncut umbilical cord and a roll of packaging tape.
13. Narrowly defeat the captain of the ski team in a deadly race down the K-12 mountain and win Beth back.
14. Go online and hurl anonymous, randomly homophobic insults at strangers discussing topics you don’t understand.
15. Rethink the whole “Professional Ben Savage Impersonator/Magician” career path.
16. Stop referring to yourself as “Bater.”
17. Strive to become the person your dog thinks you are when you’re not doing the thing with the peanut butter.
18. Grow a second, wispier goatee.
19. Discover a new planet, or plant, or nickname for your cat.
20. Less normal trips to the dentist, more sexy trips to the dentist.
21. Write another scathing review of Guy Fieri’s restaurant.
22. Buy a scented candle.
23. Improve your sense of self-sufficiency by building a raft out of nothing but your own bones and skin.
24. Listen to less Pitbull.
25. Stop “ironically” showing up at high school parties.
26. Blackmail your boyfriend into cooking dinner, take a picture of the food and share it in sepia on Instagram with a super cute and clever caption like “Home cooked chili?! Don’t mind if I do!!!!”
27. Align your expectations with reality.
28. Quit being such a dick wagon.