1. Stop doing the thing where you attack yourself at the groin and hope that a G4 camera crew shows up in time to film it.
2. Once a day, take a moment out of your busy schedule to treat yourself to one strong cup of coffee, one slice of apple pie, two glasses of red wine, one medium shrimp and beef pizza with extra cheese, three mind erasers, and one tube of chocolate chip cookie dough.
3. Whenever you start to feel down about your life, just remember that each day is a gift. Then imagine a hilarious manatee blowing bubbles from a tiny tobacco pipe.
5. Start every morning with a rigorous set of kegels and/or cock pushups in front of the mirror while listening to Rammstein at full volume and shouting “No limits!”
6. Ride a dolphin into the sunset.
7. Sire a calf or two.
8. Start limiting yourself to one vodka-soaked tampon per school day.
9. Inadvertently create a groundbreaking source of renewable energy whilst summering in the Hamptons.
10. Announce on Facebook that you are “headin’ to the gym!” Repeat as needed until you feel whole.
11. Puke and rally, bro.
12. Find a new way to connect with people that doesn’t involve your uncut umbilical cord and a roll of packaging tape.
13. Narrowly defeat the captain of the ski team in a deadly race down the K-12 mountain and win Beth back.
14. Go online and hurl anonymous, randomly homophobic insults at strangers discussing topics you don’t understand.
15. Rethink the whole “Professional Ben Savage Impersonator/Magician” career path.
16. Stop referring to yourself as “Bater.”
17. Strive to become the person your dog thinks you are when you’re not doing the thing with the peanut butter.
18. Grow a second, wispier goatee.
19. Discover a new planet, or plant, or nickname for your cat.
20. Less normal trips to the dentist, more sexy trips to the dentist.
21. Write another scathing review of Guy Fieri’s restaurant.
22. Buy a scented candle.
23. Improve your sense of self-sufficiency by building a raft out of nothing but your own bones and skin.
24. Listen to less Pitbull.
25. Stop “ironically” showing up at high school parties.
26. Blackmail your boyfriend into cooking dinner, take a picture of the food and share it in sepia on Instagram with a super cute and clever caption like “Home cooked chili?! Don’t mind if I do!!!!”
27. Align your expectations with reality.
28. Quit being such a dick wagon.
- I've done about 7 of these. In 2013.
- I think I could talk myself into doing #21. Who is that guy again?
- Wow, I should have started doing all of these things years ago.
- #29 don't write "Writer another scathing review of Guy Fieri’s restaurant." #30 Hire a copy manager who does his job instead of spending most days deep in #4
- I think all you need is one small taste of success...and you will find that it suits you.
- Love the Better Off Dead reference. I want my two dollars!
- I told this to DIE after #1 and #2, but dude, I regret it now!
- Comme je regrette de ne pas avoir apris mes leçons d'anglais!!!
- My last monthly check was $6500 working about 25 hours a week online. My sisters friend has been averaging 15k for months now and she works about 20 hours a week. I can't believe how easy it was once I tried it out. The potential with this is endless. All you have to do is explained here >> http:\\qr.net\workinfo
- i can appriciate the humor and twistedness of some hard core soldiers who have overcome overwhelming challenges and humor rescued many,obstacles...sweet. I could probably make a list half that long that would be life changing,liberating and permanently inspiring. this was twinkies and i need meat and potatoes
- lets just say you are having a completely unbelievable super unimaginable rough go at your life. You know youve acted honorably, were thoughtful and were solid beyond good measure. And for the life of you cant figure out why its been so torturous. That was me for a good stretch,then I realized it was all training I needed,a workout and preparation for the roughest challenges I am facing today... Eating crow at my grammas where my parental unit also dwells. I say when sh#* gets hard,work harder. Chin up and humble thyself. Even if its quiet ,do push ups lol. Dont abuse your power. be kind and reach for the stars! One more thing...soap operas are built on misunderstandings and lack of communication. I know its more convenient to settle let sleeping dogs lie,forfiet the forgiveness. but its a double edged sword you settle: you get tepid quality in your life take courageous risks... BE HONEST. The best vitamin for friendships is to be one. All my love and faith in you RACHAEL
- #5 is nothing short of awesome.
- 29. Watch Gummo