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December 20, 2017

We finally break down what made the film so controversial...

Upon the release of the newest Star Wars installment, many fans reacted to the film with ardent backlash. We finally break down these many grievances in one, singular article.

1. They Show Us How Chewbacca Shits

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In this scene, Chewbacca insists on showing Finn how big his logs are, proudly displaying them for all to see.

There are many aspects of the Star Wars lore that haven’t been explained yet in movies, books, or other canonical mediums. But the one thing fans didn’t expect Rian Johnson to cover in the eighth installment of the series is how frequently and with what devastation Chewbacca shits.

2. Kylo Ren Uses A Hand Gun

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He often seems to force his new catchphrase “Eat this sweet and tasty bullet, motherfucker” before shooting someone to death.

In what is surely a terrifying sequence for fans and casual viewers alike, Kylo Ren ditches his lightsaber and picks up a .38 caliber handgun opting to use that as his weapon of choice through the rest of the film. The scenes in which he uses the gun are disturbing and can only be described as a hyperrealistic portrayal of gun violence that we were not ready to address.

3. Rey’s Training Montage Is A Ten Minute Rap About Abstinence Only Education

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It really feels like they’re pushing someone else’s agenda.

After the cliffhanger ending of the previous film, many fans anticipated the newest film would open with Luke training Rey in how to properly use the Force. In a truly deflating opening scene, Luke and Rey simply rap about the importance of teaching children abstinence in public schools. At the end of the sequence Rey somehow knows how to use the Force adequately, and the audience is left wondering if they are somehow impure in the eyes of God.

4. They Never Go Into Space

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We never see this in the film. It is utterly baffling.

Not even once. Whenever someone suggests they go into space, the rest of the group respond with an indifferent shrugging of their shoulders. Then, the person who suggested they go into space feels very uncomfortable and decides they would rather not project their want on the group’s plan for the day, so they kind of just abandon the idea.

5. Finn Somehow Sleeps Throughout The Entire Film In What Is Surely Product Placement For Lunesta

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“It’s time for slumber, thanks to my best friend Lunesta!” - Finn

For some reason, it seems like Lunesta really banked all their money into the newest Star Wars film. The planet they are on at the beginning of the film is named Lunesta, three different characters are named Johnny Lunesta, and the phrase “Wow, that’s Lunesta good!” is used by several characters. Throughout the movie, Finn uses Lunesta so often it comes off as abusive. He affectionately refers to the process as the “Lunesta Boogie”, consuming multiple pills and then dropping to the ground amidst a deep slumber.

6. To Show The Passage Of Time, BB-8 Goes Through Puberty

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BB-8 feels so alone.

In quite possibly the most upsetting sequence of the film, a puberty riddled BB-8 looks Poe in the eyes with utter confusion as to what is happening to it’s body. In a one sided conversation we hear Poe lament to BB-8 “Well, I don’t know why thats getting bigger” and “Getting hair down there is just a part of growing up”, but these answers don’t seem to satiate BB-8. His despair and contempt for the rest of the gang grows in a way that seems to be setting him up to be the antagonist in a future film.

7. The Spaceships Bleed And Scream In Pain Like Humans Do

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These are all gravely wounded spaceships.

Against their will, conscious and sentient spaceships made of flesh and blood are flown into battle. They scream and cry, begging for freedom and to escape the massacre. But no, we must watch them suffer. A truly twisted fate.

8. They Decided To Start Calling Lightsabers “Buzz Sticks”

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“That’s a mighty fine buzz stick,” mused Rey.

Arguably one of the most iconic aspects of the franchise, the writers of this installment decided to scrap the phrase “lightsaber” in favor of the phrase “buzz stick”. At some points in the film, it’s obvious that the actor instinctually wants to use the phrase “lightsaber"and they have to catch themselves and begrudgingly use the phrase "buzz stick”.

9. The AT-AT Walkers Are In Mating Season

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They’re in heat and it’s terrifying.

This…we would rather not talk about this. As we weren’t aware that the spaceships were made of flesh and bone, we did not realize that the AT-AT walkers had to…we’re not going to talk about this.

10. Luke Skywalker Won’t Stop Talking About The Importance Of Being A Two-Way Basketball Player

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You need to have not only all of the tools, but the right attitude to be a great basketball player.

Many fans were ecstatic to see Luke Skywalker the iconic character return to the franchise. Unfortunately, it’s pretty obvious the writers weren’t sure what to do with him, so he spends most of his time on screen explaining why it’s so important to play two-way basketball. Whenever Rey asks him a question about The Force, he muses for minutes at a time about playing hard defense as well as offense, sometimes rambling about the importance of fundamentals over showmanship.