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August 31, 2017
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Find out what the stars know about you!

Astrological signs can tell you a lot about a person: their personalities, their fears, and even their social security number! Here’s what your sign says about your love life!

Aries (The Ram)

You are not someone who is into one-night stands. You want something more committed and real, like a two-night stand or a let’s-do-this-while-I’m-home-
for-Christmas-stand.

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Taurus (The Bull)

You’re searching for a soulmate similar to you: bold, daring, loud, and also planning to rob a Taco Bell of all of their beef so they can claim themself “Lord of the Beef, Emperor of Meat.”

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Gemini (The Twins)

Your love life is currently failing because you keep thinking you’re using Tinder, but you’re actually using Uber. To fix matters easily, start dating cars.

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Cancer (The Crab)

You’re afraid to tell your crush your true feelings. Don’t be. Tell them! If they don’t like you back, lie and say you weren’t being serious. You were rehearsing for a play. When they say they’d love to see that play, go home and write, produce, and cast that play. Make it a huge success and become a millionaire. Then they’ll want to date you. That’s just a fact. This is what Shakespeare did.

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Leo (The Lion)

Dates aren’t going so well for you right now, so try to go to unconventional places. Instead of a boring restaurant or a movie, go on a date at an exciting ISIS training facility or coffee shop that is currently on fire and filled with snakes with grenades in their mouths.

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Virgo (The Maiden)

You have sex once every eclipse. So you’re doing good now, but the next couple years are gonna be rough.

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Libra (The Scales)

You love a man or woman in uniform. Specifically an Arby’s uniform.

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Scorpio (The Scorpion)

Everyone you have sex with turns out to be a scorpion. You don’t mind at all.

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Sagittarius (The Archer)

You’ve never had trouble getting a date or a significant other. Why are you even reading this? Just to gloat? Fuck off!

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Capricorn (The Mountain Sea-Goat)

You’re having a hard time getting over an ex-lover. The best way to move on from them is to date their parents. Both of them. Mom and dad. When they find out you’re dating their parents, they’ll want you back so as to make it less awkward. This always works. Shakespeare did this too.

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Aquarius (The Water-Bearer)

You blame yourself for your lack of success in relationships, but you shouldn’t. Blame someone else. Anyone else. Tony Shalhoub. Blame him. He’s a rich actor and won’t care if you blame him. Problem solved.

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Pisces (The Fish)

You’re having sex while reading this. Nice. And also rude to your partner. Nice and rude. Just like you, you weird fish person.

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