Here we are at the end of all things. It’s a three-hour finale that–
Wait, this is really three hours tonight?
I’m gonna need a barrel of wine to get through this.
1) We are LIVE!
Rachel is gonna watch the show with us live tonight. It’s like ABC’s version of Twitch. But aren’t the confessional cam interviews basically like the person watching their own show? This feels like “The Bachelorette: Inception.”
The men are backstage hyperventilating.
2) We need a resolution
Peter and Rachel pick up with the conversation we saw two weeks ago. They resolve…nothing. That’s the kind of satisfaction we look for on “The Bachelorette.”
But wait! The Wildcat gave them the key to the Chris Harrison Smash Room and they’ll be damned if they aren’t gonna use it.
3) Ride the horse course
It’s the morning after. Rachel and Peter lie on a bunch of pillows on the ground and talk about how great they are at sex. Peter kisses Rachel goodbye and now it’s time to go meet Bryan in the middle of a vineyard. Why not just meet at the entrance?
Two horses lead them on a trail towards lost Spanish gold…is what I wish happened. Instead two horses lead them around the vineyard while Bryan talks about how boring he is.
Rachel agonizes over how hard it’s going to be to choose just one man to be her foreverhunk.
In the studio Rachel talks about what we just watched. It’s like watching a comedian describe a joke right after they told it.
4) Suite suite fantasy baby
Rachel and Bryan meet for their private dinner in a giant room. Rachel borrows a dress from Grace Jones; with those shoulder pads this dress might need to be registered with the NFL.
Bryan just really wants to know if he won. They both talk about how hard it all is.
Speaking of hard, Rachel gives Bryan a handwritten note from The Wildcat with a key to his Pound Palace.
They shut the door to probably do their taxes.
5) The next day…
It’s the morning after again and these two are just so happy they boned. Bryan leaves in a completely different set of clothes. And no bag…where did his suit go??
Rachel spends some time wandering around the countryside in heels and a dinner dress like a lost romance novel cover model.
6) Rose ceremony
It’s rose ceremony time. Rachel tells us again how hard this all is.
She gives the first rose to Bryan. Jesus.
The second rose goes to…Peter. Eric is eliminated. They take a walk to the Letdown Bench. She loves Eric but she isn’t *IN* love with him. He says he’ll always love her then she tells him to get the hell out.
Bryan to rushes to hug Rachel. Peter tells us he saw her deadass look in his soul when she said she wants a proposal.
Back live Rachel is still emotional. The live crowd is pissed that Eric went home. And yes, she was straight up staring at Peter when she said “Peteprosal.”
7) Ladies and gentlemen, Eric
Eric comes out and brings a new beard with him. He says he was ready to propose. He’s all smiles and says that she was the first time he felt love and it’s helped him become a man.
Rachel tells us again how hard it all is.
8) It’s hard
Back in Spain, Rachel wears a wolf pelt to meet Bryan in another random field. They wander around the woods until they find a hot air balloon. They bully their way on to the balloon.
At dinner Rachel and Bryan talk to each other about being in love with each other. Talking about being in love is the only thing he ever talks about. He tells her not picking him would be the biggest mistake of her life.
This episode is already so long I feel like watching it was the biggest mistake of my life.
9) Monk in the trunk
It’s time to meet up with Peter. The pair have their final date in a Spanish Catholic church. Nothing makes me feel sexier than being coaxed into confessing my sins.
A monk gives them the kind of advice that keeps people flocking back to church week in and week out:
— -This fucking monk
It’s important to not give importance to things that are not important.
Rachel asks why Peter is scared of marriage. He’s not scared of marriage, he’s scared of having to do it more than once. That’s what I say about my taxes!
Rachel reminds us that this is all…wait for it…hard.
10) The long goodbye
Rachel and Peter have a final intimate talk about how much she wants him to propose and how he doesn’t want to propose YET.
Back from break and Peter won’t budge. Neither will Rachel. You can tell it’s serious because they keep talking more and more quietly.
Finally, they decide nothing is gonna change and they say goodbye. Peter has essentially eliminated himself. In doing so he reveals himself as the true villain of the show, pushing Rachel into Bryan’s arms.
Rachel wonders if she’s making a big mistake. I think I can answer that for her.
11) Time for Chris Harrison to show us his Peter
Rachel and Peter sit down on the couch and look for closure with each other. They recap the entire season; Rachel tells him this show isn’t really for him. She’s being cold as ice; it’s a complete 180 from the way she was with him in the heat of the show.
We are back live and Peter feels attacked but can’t say why. Rachel is clearly frustrated that he can’t immediately express his emotions. He thanks everyone for their time and he and Rachel hug like old lab partners.
13) The end of the road
So we’ve moved on from Peter and we know Bryan wins the season.
Neil Lane stops by Bryan’s hotel suite with a bag of rings to try out.
The pair meet on a mountain in a castle. But first Bryan has to fight Chris Harrison to get to Rachel!
Rachel and Bryan finally embrace during a hurricane. How bad is this wind?
Bryan says when he met her a “chemistry bomb” went off in him. That was gas, Bryan.
Rachel pours her heart out to him. Then Bryan gets down on one knee and proposes. She accepts and they kiss while trying to not blow away in this insane wind.
14) A nice, normal life together
We are live one last time. Bryan comes out and proposes again. He says “will you remarry me?” That’s not how that works dumbass?
Thinking about the future Rachel says they just want to get to know each other in the normal sense. You got engaged on a mountain after a 10 week dating contest before you really knew the guy, Rachel. Nothing about this relationship will be normal.
Harrison reveals they are the cover of this week’s issue of “People” and they get a free return trip to Spain. A free vacation? Man, they sure could use that after all those…vacations.
So that’s it. Rachel gets engaged to ol’ Miami Heat and we spent three hours on what could have been a one-hour finale.
One thing I definitely agree about with Rachel. Getting through tonight was…HARD.
Thanks for following this season of “The Bachelorette” here. May you always be the recipient of the fantasy suite key.