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August 05, 2016
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Saying that they are really excited to implement this unprecedented measure, the International Olympic Committee informed the athletic federations from all participating countries that all athletes who make it through the Rio Games alive will receive Olympic Medals.

Olympic Committee to Give Olympic Medals to Athletes who make it Through Rio 2016 Alive

Saying that they are really excited to implement this unprecedented measure, the International Olympic Committee informed the athletic federations from all participating countries that all athletes who make it through the Rio Games alive will receive Olympic Medals.

“This is a really exciting measure” Said President of the IOC Thomas Bach when asked for comment. “You see, the stakes have never been higher. Athletes could be killed by rioters, mauled by an army tank, or die from water poisoning if they lose their focus any second. Only the most talented and dedicated of them will make it out of Rio alive. And we should reward them for it. It’s truly beautiful: the Games themselves are now an Olympic sport.”

The Groupie confirmed that all surviving athletes shall receive either bronze, silver or gold medals depending on the state of their physical and psychological integrity at the end of the Games.

According to a list of rules and procedures The Groupie was able to obtain through a freedom of information request to the IOC, those athletes who survive with missing limbs shall receive bronze medals. Those who manage to keep all their body parts but end up with severe post traumatic disorders shall receive silver medals. And only those lucky few who manage to survive infected only with Zika, shall receive gold medals.

In other news, Globo, the largest media outlet in Brazil was seen at an anti-corruption / anti-government rally in Rio telling its international viewers that all these people who took to the streets were just really excited for the Olympics.

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