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May 02, 2017

"By now you should all be going down on me. I mean, it’s 2017 for god’s sake."

Dear Straight Men To Which This Letter Pertains,

By now you should all be going down on me. I mean, it’s 2017 for god’s sake. In these modern times I’m puzzled to find that a woman in the workforce is no longer a rarity yet a dude’s face in my pussy is….Because just as a woman’s place is no longer in the kitchen, a man’s face should definitely be in my vagina. I get it, you’re a GROWN MAN and vaginas are “gross”, “icky”, and downright “YUCK”, but guess what…so is your penis yet women suck it up and deal just as their mothers did before them and your own mother is likely doing right now with some rando who’s probably not your dad.

When adult men refuse to eat pussy they are proving that the phrase: “you are what you won’t eat” should also be a thing that people say. It’s not like I’m asking you to “eat the booty like groceries” (If only!!!) rather, I simply request that you “li-li-li-li-lick it like a lollipop” (the “lollipop” being my clitoris in this scenario.)

I don’t think you guys realize that, as heterosexual men, when you refuse to go down on women it makes you seem hella gay. To clarify, your evident repulsion towards vagina leads me to assume you’d prefer to have dick in your mouth instead. Time and time again, a man will boast that he’d happily go down on a woman for hours…when in reality he’ll just timidly poke his tongue around for no more than 30 seconds…because either A. he doesn’t care enough to actually give her an orgasm or B. His delusional ego is convinced that within her 30 seconds of silent, rigid, discomfort…there existed an orgasm.

So, to the men who refuse to go down on women in the year of our lord 2017, I urge you to reconsider…because, what the fuck? And to those straight men who scoff at this article because their partner claims to be “satisfied” without ever receiving oral, just know this: after you fall asleep…she imagines her vibrator to be the tongue of a man who has the balls to go down on her.


A Heterosexual Woman Who Will Likely Be Referred To As A Bitter Uggo In The Comments Section And You’re Actually Not Wrong But Please Be Nice To Me