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August 30, 2011

if you ever come across a person doing one of these things, you'll have a tough time trying not to destroy them.

Over the course of history many people have contributed to the progress of human kind. The write bothers revolutionized travel industry with Aircrafts, cave men discovered fire, and George Washington Carver did. .  . that thing. But according to David's law of douchebagery, for every great innovation theirs an equal and opposite prick who will try their best to ruin your life. Here are some of the actions that villains of society do to accomplish their goals.

1.Putting Gum on Public seats

This may seem harmless but when you factor in the possibility of someone sitting in that gum infested seat, well then my friend, SHIT GETS REAL!

Example of shit getting real

Lets consider the possibility of a person sitting in that gum filled seat and becoming enraged to the point of their head exploding. To make things worse, this person may have very expensive pants (like pants made out of diamond and glitter). Even worse, this person may be a man eater. But no were not stopping their, making things worse, this person may also be a 7 foot tall tranny. Now you have a rich transvestite unleashed unto the world for the sole purpose of destroying you, just because you couldn’t walk 2 ft. to your nearest trash can. . .

Peoples Reasoning For Doing This

  • Someone may eat this used gum, and sharing is caring so its ok!

  • My gums not sticky

  • My gums magic and dissapears when left alone

2.Drawing Penises on publich restroom stalls

Public Restrooms are already a place most of us fear going into. Many require a message before you enter that says "WARNING, you will not be able to save once you enter. Save your progress now?" but sadly don’t (video game reference their for all you not video game players a.k.a soulless manikins). But the only thing that makes going number1, 2, or 1 1/2 worse is a very poorly drawn dong.

   A dick drawn by dirty picasso is equally as bad though


But why is this so bad? Mainly because artistic expression isn’t that fun to look at, couple that with one of the most private moments in a person’s life and you have a scene that screams Uncomfortable, but hey. . . some single moms are into that. . . if that makes since. . . actually, I don’t care

Peoples Reasoning For Doing This

  • Im gonna get back at the world for kicking me outta arts school one way or another

  • My schlong needs to be shared with the good people at Martin Luther King high school

  • Why let this pack of rainbow sharpees go to waste in this Arbys

3.Bringing Babies Into Movie Theatres

A baby is a beautiful thing, unless your 18 and under, then its a terrible thing. Now that this new mom and dad have this bundle of soul sucking joy, they can do many things with it. New parents can feed their babies, go to the park with their baby’s, tie themselves to trees in protest with their baby’s, they can even gamble their ba-. . . I’m sorry gamble with their baby’s. This is all good and cupcakes, but for the love of the Greek god of love, NEVER BRING YOUR BABY TO THE MOVIES. By doing this you anger many people to the point of spontaneous combustion (which is technically murder and technically makes your baby a deadly weapon). With a baby in a theatre not only are you at risk of getting, how i should say, fucked up. But your baby is also in danger due to the fact that everyone might want to sock that screaming baby its face.

Peoples Reasoning For Doing This

  • My baby will explode if i leave him alone

  • Everyone loves my baby hahahahaha (No -_-)

  • People get high off my babys baby smell (possible)

4.Being A Jerk During A Month Dedicated To Your Race

Now this may seem fine and perfect for some but really look at this from the perspective of someone who’s not (insert racial identity here). I have no personal relationship with any race, unless you count Africans, then yeah I kinda do. Giving a race a month (not a fact) really gives the millions of people covered by said race the power and authority to do whatever they want and have a 98% chance of getting away with it, because anyone who tries to stop them shall swiftly meet their state issued race Card

Not only that, but the sheer fact  that a race of people called "assholians" can have a month called "ass hole appreciation Month" dedicated to them leaves allot of questions to be answered starting with this. . . . what?

Peoples Reasoning For Doing This

  • Since it's Febuary I can go to a store and get anyhting i want and when they tell me what to pay i'll just say "WHY, BECAUSE IM BLACK"

5.Putting Animals In Adorable Outfits

If you’re walking down the street and you spot a person (usually a smug richy rich person with gold for blood) who is walking a dog or other exotic pet, then make sure that said pet is not dressed up in clothes that make your fashion sense look mentally challenged. If this is the case then DO NOT PANIC. This can provoke many of us to start ripping fire hydrants to shred, opening portals of evil, and creating insulting words that don’t exist, a very natural response. The fact that people do this when it is common knowledge that animals are born with a natural coat to protect them from the elements is very alarming, although not as alarming as the bedazzled phanny pack this person may be wearing


Regardless of all the facts, people still persist with turning their pets into fashionistas, forcing people to use words like "fashionistas". but unfortunately they do and we just have to live with it, and by that I mean ELIMINATE THEM.

Peoples Reasoning For Doing This

  • I want my dog needs to look super cute when he drops a duce on your foot

  • I'm a whore for takiness

  • She may not look it, but my poodles an undercover agent for all the top fashion designers in England. 

So put Simply, do us all a favor, and try to become a productive member of society. well that or just hide in the forest of Alaska and get shot by Sarah Palin

  She's waiting for you