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Stats & Data

April 25, 2012

Have you ever had to make a visit to the emergency room, and felt like you were gonna die waiting? Well I f*cking did!


So a couple weeks ago I got a nasty case of food poisoning. Whatever the hell I ate, crawled up someone’s ass, then died, evolved into a bizarre parasite, crawled out of the ass, and jumped onto the Italian sausage that I ate at the basketball game. This was followed by me projectile vomiting a few hours later, and then viciously butt pissing for the next 36 hours. I knew whatever I had consumed was ridiculously foul, and I say this because I had not barfed in close to 15 years. In any case, over the next 24 hours, I managed to become severely dehydrated.  In fact, I became so dehydrated I made a visit to the emergency room.

First of all, why in the hell is it still called the emergency room? I’m not current with the statistics in 2012, but I do know the average time patients spent in emergency departments in 2009 was 4 hours and 7 minutes. Yes, I said 4 hours and 7 minutes. A person could watch four f*cking episodes of ER while waiting to be attended to in the emergency room. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t emergency mean a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action. I swear to God that was the definition the last time I checked.

In any case, I woke up in the middle of the night shaking violently, and two things immediately came to mind. “Quick, someone lube me I’m a human vibrator” and “Wow, my lips are sticking to my gums, I must be extremely dehydrated”. So I proceeded to get dressed as fast as one could while imitating a jack hammer, and then I quickly and recklessly drove to the emergency room. You might ask why I didn’t call the ambulance. I figured if a pizza can get to my house quicker than the ambulance, then hell, I’ll take my chances and drive my fucking self. Meanwhile, after running several lights while resembling a crack head with Parkinson’s disease, I arrived at the local hospital.

I slowly approached the reception desk wheezing, and shaking uncontrollably. There I was greeted by a gentleman who had the personality of a Basset Hound.

Receptionist: “Please sign in, and can you provide us with your insurance information”

Me: (Shaking) “S..su..sur..sure. Here’s m..m..my  ins..sura..insurance card. Do..y..yo..you have any i..ic..ice?”

Receptionist: “Excuse me, what was that again”

Me: “D..do you ha..hav..have a cup..o..of..ice?”

Receptionist: “Sir, I cannot understand you, you’re not speaking clearly.”

I wanted to say. “Will you understand this size 10 ½ shoe up in your ass?” However, he was right, I couldn’t say shit clearly. So I proceeded to stutter, and after about a minute of going back and forth…

Receptionist: “You want a cup of ice?”

Me: “Yes”

Receptionist: “Why”

Once again at this point, I wanted to say. “Who gives a fuck why?  Just get me the ice you ass clown”. Nevertheless, my newly acquired speech impediment was not allowing me to verbally attack anyone in an efficient manner.

Me: “I..I..I’m dehydrated!”

Receptionist: “Ohhh, I see. There’s an ice machine down the hallway, and I believe there are some paper cups there as well.”

Me: “Thanks”

I eventually made my way down the hallway where I managed to put some ice chips into a cup. During the hour long process of being admitted, I managed to suck down enough ice chips to settle down the shaking to where I could once again speak normally. Eventually I was attended to, and had my opportunity to explain to a doctor what was happening.

This is what I find bizarre about the emergency room. First, I waited hours NOT to be diagnosed, but in retrospect I had to explain to the doctors what the fuck was going on. Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t it be the other way around. Second, when does it truly become an emergency? In my mind violently shaking, not being able to speak, and needing two bags of fluids has to be pretty damn close. Especially when its 1am, and the hospital is fairly empty.  I guess I didn’t get the emergency room memo that states.

For immediate assistance two of the following are required:

1.       One must be holding a body part in their hand.

2.       One must be blue in color from lack of oxygen, if you’re African American that does not apply.

3.       If you’re pregnant, your placenta must be on our lobby floor, this applies only to females.

4.       You arrived in one of our ambulances.

5.       You’re the current U.S. President, this does not apply to former presidents.


Okay, I’m done :)