“Oh, I haven’t seen this episode yet. Thanks for the warning.”

Here we go–

1) Holy Hell Suttirat Larlarb

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“I’m so good at my job I tell Gods what to wear.”

Suttirat is incredible. Every episode of American Gods POPS off the screen thanks to her, and her design choices.

Essie MacGowan’s dresses in this episode are just the tip of a dazzling iceberg: Bilquis, Media, Technical Boy…thanks to Suttirat EVERYONE looks like $1,000,000, and that was also probably her budget.

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“What do you mean? This IS my small hat.”

2) Ibis & Anubis Should Make ASMR Videos

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“My throat’s full of milk.”

No wonder when someone dies we say they ‘croaked’. Anubis (Chris Obi) sounds like a frog eating thunder. His vocal fry is so disarmingly pleasing it makes my skin tingle just thinking about it. If he ever whispers in my ear I know I’ll be dead, but it’ll be worth the goosebumps.

Meanwhile, Mr. Ibis (Demore Barnes) sounds like satin. Hearing him narrate this episode is so relaxing. Heck, I could listen to him read the ingredients on a box of Lucky Charms, and feel like he was telling me a lullaby.

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Mr. Ibis: “Trisodium Phosphate.”
Me: “Ahhhhhhhhh. That’s nice.”

P.S. I could watch this GIF all day. \#ASMR

3) Window Milk

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“My boss is on a health kick. I hope he doesn’t mind soy.”

You learn something new everyday. I had no idea Leprechauns would help you in exchange for a nosh. Essie (Emily Browning) leaves milk and bread on her windowsill everyday in exchange for their good fortune. You better believe I left some bread and milk on my windowsill too. I’m trying to make my life better, and if some whole wheat and 2% can help I’m all about it.

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I hope you did the same.

4) Never Trust A Bartholomew

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“I’m a bitch.”

This episode taught me three things:
1. America was built by criminals.
2. Grandmas tell great stories.
3. Never trust a Bartholomew.

Even the name Bartholomew sounds disgusting. It’s measly. This weak-willed POS rats out his secret girlfriend because he’s too scared of his mommy. GROSS! What goes around comes around so I hope one day Mr. Ibis writes a story about Barthy that ends with him being thrown under the bus horse (horses are the buses of the Old World).

5) Sailing Sucks

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This is where Ja Rule got the idea for Fyre Fest.

Mama Mia, sailing is a terrible time! We complain about airplanes: Imagine if the only way to travel was in a large fecal-filled wooden toilet. Seeing Essie have to deal with piles of dysentery puts not having enough leg room into perspective.

6) Essie MacGowan Is Joanne The Scammer

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Nailed it.

YESSSSS! I was trying to think of who Essie reminded me of all episode, and then I saw this. She’s a survivor scamming her way through life. Why not?! Men in this episode are monsters, and those that aren’t monsters…are secretly monsters. She has to repeatedly endure the grotesque rutting of old sweaty men in exchange for her life. STEAL ALL THE SILVER YOU WANT!

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7) Salim Is Free & His First Order Of Business Is Roasting Mad Sweeney

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Show me a sicker burn. I’ll wait.

Take that Mad Sweeney! You’ve been Salim’d! I bet it cuts deep too. This man would never hurt a fly (in fact, if it was hurt he’d take it to the vet), but he rips Mad a new one! Once Salim’s conscience is cleansed he’s free to find The Jinn at the House on The Rock. I can’t wait until this iconic couple reconnects next week. They’re my Pam and Jim(m).

8) This Ice Cream Guy’s An Idiot.

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“I’m super dumb.”

Now that Salim’s cab is heading to Wisconsin, Laura and Mad decide to steal an ice cream truck, and luckily they meet the densest driver alive. He’s given money, gold, and thinks to himself “NO! NO DEAL. Not enough. I also wanna be punched!” Of course, they’re happy to oblige. I would be too. Can you imagine if this guy won the lottery? “Thanks for the million bucks, but first stab me.”

9) Tony Award: Best Play 2018 Goes To “Lovers Quarrel”

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“I sentence you to a sold-out extended run.”

Emily Browning and Pablo Schreiber are spectacular actors. Watching their emotional connection strengthen while separated by a thick stone prison wall makes me thirsty for them to turn this concept into a two-person show on Broadway. I already know the story too –

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“Lovers Quarrel” Produced by Lin-Manuel Miranda

– Two prisoners fall deeply in love over the years, but are separated by their shared prison wall. The first and only time they see each other is when Pablo’s taken from his cell to the gallows. In that moment they make eye contact, know their love is real, and as she smiles we hear the SNAP of the noose break his neck. FADE OUT. CUE: The entire audience bursting into tears while giving a standing ovation.

10) Easter’s Assassin

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“I will destroy you.”

We haven’t met the Goddess named Easter yet, but we have met her deadliest assassin. When this young bun cuts across the street forcing Laura to swerve her ice cream truck it causes an accident that leaves Mad Sweeney banged up, and Laura frozen stiff. If you still don’t believe this fur ball’s a cold blooded killer here’s some of its previous work.

11) Finally, Essie Gets The Good Life

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Pastor: “I forgot my wig so I had to borrow one from my friend with a much larger head.”

After years of persecution, thievery, vomiting on ships (and most likely after sex) Essie has a husband who loves her, a family to pass her stories onto, and a farm that is thriving. It’s the American Dream before there was such a thing as the American Dream. Her life’s been so wrought with chaos it’s amazing she still has love in her heart left to give. Equally as amazing, people don’t start washing their hands for another 50 years.

12) Mad Sweeney’s More Than An Asshole, He’s Wednesday’s Hitman

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Mad Sweeney killed Laura and Robbie at Mr. Wednesday’s request so Shadow Moon would have nothing left to lose. Call me Kendrick Lamar cuz DAMN! No wonder Mad Sweeney’s so touchy, and BEGGED Shadow Moon to punch him in the face in Episode 1. He feels guilty AF. To make matters worse he has his lucky coin back, but can’t seem to walk away from Laura’s fresh (kinda) corpse. He gets so angry he starts screaming in Irish – which I have translated for you thanks to Google.

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You’re welcome :)

13) These Two Could Be In A Romance Novel

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I think 90 year old Essie’s gonna bang 500 year old Mad Sweeney

This episode was all heart (which makes sense since next week may be all war). So why not have a romantic ending that feels like it could quickly shift into soft core porn with the flick of a belt. This season has been riveting so far, but the idea of love has taken a back seat to magic, mayhem, and Mr. Wednesday’s plan. We needed to feel love before we see murder because that’s what I expect in the season finale: Murder, and it’s gonna be bloody terrific.

14) Colorist Dave Hussey

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@DaveHussey for all your coloring needs.

This is Dave Hussey. He is the colorist for American Gods. I was blown away by the reds, greens, and grays in this episode so I DM’d him on Twitter asking about it. Here’s what he had to say –

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Cool! See ya next Sunday for the season finale! Stay #blessed!